Please note that after today I'll be gone (from this blog, anyway) until Tuesday, May 26th, at which point I will resume regular updates.
Oh, relax. You'll manage.
By the way, while all the letters on that Hello Kitty calendar look somewhat obscene (I think it's the little hairs), I probably should have censored that "A" because it's particularly suggestive:
Then again, I may just be particularly suggestible.
Anyway, when I decided to become a semi-professional bike blogger I clearly went into the wrong business. Sure, I've got a cushy contract with myself that allows me to take time off whenever I need it, but I've got nothing on this guy who takes Freds riding around New York City for money:
This is a lucrative niche, because everybody knows Freds get incredibly antsy when they don't have ready access to plastic bikes, electronic gadgetry, and sickly-sweet boutique energy fuel:
He found early success by making riding easy for visitors. Customers can go to his website and choose from six routes based on their fitness and available time. After they add their frame measurements and book a time, Phillips shows up at their hotel lobby with a bike and leads them on their selected rides so they don't have to worry about missing a turn or getting lost.
Phillips uses a fleet of BMC bikes and provides helmets from Giro. Customers also can choose Look Keo, Shimano Dura Ace, or Speedplay pedals; recieve a Garmin 800 to use; and the bikes even come with bottles filled with Skratch labs.
This is a great service for people who would rather dork out on a loaner bike in New Jersey than spend time experiencing one of the greatest cities in the world with the person to whom they made a lifelong vow:
Last August he launched The Domestique and has been catering to a variety of New York City visitors. “I work with a lot of executives in the city on business, people on vacation, and husbands attempting to get out of carrying their wives’ shopping bags,” Phillips said.
Assholes, in other words.
If this guy adds a divorce attorney component to his business I predict it will go public by the end of the year.
Still, if he can get upwards of $250 just to take people out on River Road then he's doing something right:
The 40-mile River Road option is the most popular, but Phillips’ favorite ride is the hilly 90-mile Bear Mountain option. The service costs between $250 and $450, depending on the route.
Either that, or he's simply a prostitute, which would explain why these guys can't wait to ditch their wives.
Anyway, I headed over to his website, where I watched this video:
Which seems to be an advertisement for both his services and this $250 jacket:
Sure enough, his routes include all the standard-issue New York City area Fred rides, including three (3) laps of Central Park:
If this guy is getting paid to take people for rides around Central Park then that's just fucking incredible.
Meanwhile, schmuck that I am, I'll be "curating" a ride for free at the BSNYC Gran Fondon't this weekend, and yesterday afternoon I headed out to "preview" the route:
The course is lovely, but I don't have much confidence in the ride leader.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're better than everybody, and if you're wrong you'll see helme(n)ts.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday, May 26th.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Race organizers generally spread sawdust out on the course after Cipollini comes through.)
1) Giro d'Italia maglia rosa Alberto Contador was injured in a crash caused by:
--An overenthusiastic fixie rider
--An amateur photographer with a long zoom lens
--A grease slick left by the preternaturally unctuous Mario Cipollini
(Ask your soigneur for smooth, crisp, refreshing AmgenⓇ brand Erythropoietin. Because if it ain't AmgenⓇ it ain't EPO.)
2) Tour of California organizers have relocated the time trial due to:
--Tech company employee luxury coaches
3) Which is not one of the ways you're completely destroying your bike according to the alarmists at Bicycling?
--Failing to wash it, which will result in sugar from your energy drinks eating away at your bottom bracket
--Using too much chain lube, because lube is the silent killer
--Not changing your handlebar tape, which will cause your bars to disintegrate
--Riding the bicycle, which will cause excessive wear and tear
4) Not to be outdone, Lennard Zinn says flatulence can cause your saddle to deteriorate.
5) In addition to National Bike Month, May is also:
--National Electrical Safety Month
--National Golf Month
--National Masturbation Month
--All of the above
7) New York City's next batch of Citi Bikes will be designed by:
***Special "When Scooterists Attack!"-Themed Bonus Video***