BSNYC Friday Bike To Work Day Grease Stain On Your Pant Cuff!

Firstly, one final reminder that I'll be in Boston tomorrow:

Come for the chips, stay for the dip.*

*[BSNYC Industries, LLC makes no warranty that there will be either chips or dip.]

Secondly, remember how the Mayors of Toronto, Robs Fords, said this?

"What I compare bike lanes to is swimming with the sharks. Sooner or later you're going to get bitten... Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day."

And you were all like, "What is he, smoking crack?"

Well it turns out he's totally smoking crack:

And the video of him actually smoking the crack can be yours for "six figures:"

Rob Ford, Toronto's conservative mayor, is a wild lunatic given to making bizarre racist pronouncements and randomly slapping refrigerator magnets on cars. One reason for this is that he smokes crack cocaine. I know this because I watched him do it, on a videotape. He was fucking hiiiiigh. It's for sale if you've got six figures.

I'm actually thinking of taking advantage of the favorable exchange rate by buying it, too, since CAD$100,000 is only like US$97,000:

That leaves me with like three grand to spend on crack.

Just kidding, I don't smoke crack.  It's wack:

I don't like things that are wack.

Anyway, I've already been alerted to at least one crowdsourced funding campaign to purchase the video:

I'd suggest that, instead of giving it to the CBC, they simply throw a totally awesome Robs Fords crack movie screening party.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for videos of Fords just after smoking crack:

How his entire cardiovascular system has not simply blown up by now is beyond me.  When it finally does happen though it's going to be big.  Really big.  Like "exploding a whale with dynamite" big:


I'd say that right now Robs Fords is an even bigger atomic threat to the United States than North Korea and Iran combined.

We're a crack rock and a box of Tim Horton's away from nuclear annihilation.

Meanwhile, today is Bike To Work Day in New York City, and I'm pleased to announce I've revised yesterday's banner:

He's still getting a Bike To Work Day "blowie," but here's who he's getting it from:

(Putting the "owie" in "blowie.")

Or, if you want the more conservative banner, fine, be that way:

Also, remember, there's an after-work party in Brooklyn tonight, because people who ride bikes and live in Brooklyn wet their shants at any opportunity to form enormous lines in front of food carts.

Of course, the cynical response to Bike To Work Day is to dismiss it and predict an "epic shitshow" as thousands of wobbly-legged novice cyclists take to the streets on a beautiful Friday, but whatever happens I'm not going to witness it since I plan to spend the day breathing the rarefied air up here in Lob's country.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong it's not and you'll see Italian Batman.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and hope to see you in Boston.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Just days after his controversial "I descended like bit of a girl, really" comment, Bradley Wiggins has announced that he is "pulling out of the Giro d'Italia like I just found out she was ovulating."

--True
--False

("No coffee for you, moneybags.")

2) The first thing they teach you in business school is always close your doors to rich people.

--True
--False

(The concept of "obvious" is apparently obsolete.)

3) In a departure from articles about how to repair flats, Bicycling magazine is now publishing detailed instructions on how to:

--Put on shoes
--Operate a quick release skewer
--Place a bicycle inside the trunk of a car
--Inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide

(New York City may have survived the crack epidemic, but can it survive this?)

4) Which is not an argument put forth by opponents of the imminent New York City bike share program?

--The stations ruin the character of historic neighborhoods
--The stations will prevent firefighters from putting out fires
--The stations do not accept quarters
--The stations are attracting mice

(BSDN gives bike share the "forehead vag.")

5) Bike Snob Daily News doesn't like the bike share bikes because:

--It is equipped with a wide bar and seat and plush tires
--The basket is too small
--Something about barley
--All of the above

("A" for effort, "F" for forehead vag.)

6) Bike Snob Daily News had to take a class to learn how to ride in traffic and then her Surly got stolen.

--True
--False

7) Rapha's new jacket is made from:

--Recycled parachutes
--Recycled garbage bags
--Recycled wardrobe from the hit 1984 breakdancing movie, "Breakin'"
--100% elephant scranus

***Special Bonus Encore Performance Of My Favorite Bike To Work Day Video To Date***

Few creatures are slower than a bike dork on foot.

This Just In: Close This Window FAST Unless You Want To See An Interview With Me!

Firstly, at 3:30pm today (that's my time, the time it is in New York City, and you can use that to extrapolate the equivalent time in whichever hick town you inhabit) Fat Cyclist is going to interview me:


I have zero confidence in my own computing abilities, but supposedly (or "supposably" as BSDN might say) the interview will appear in the magic box above.  If it doesn't, or if it's all cut off or something, then just go watch it on Fat Cyclist's site instead.  This whole thing is his brain child.  Well, his brain and my publisher's brain.

Their brains like totally "did it" and this is what came out.

Also, by way of an apology, I follow a general rule of thumb of keeping this blog free from my visage, but sometimes I have to violate it because you have to do this sort of stuff when you have a book out.  (Not that I don't like talking to Fat Cyclist--I do, very much--it's just that I don't like making people look at me.)  Anyway, sorry.

Or, I'll also violate it if I think the image is amusing:

 

(BKJimmy)

Well, I'm amused anyway.  And isn't that what really matters?

Also, just a reminder, there will be more off-foffing in Boston this Saturday, May 18th:

Be there or be someplace else you'd rather be--though I guarantee it will be a thousand times more exciting than that graphic.

So let's see, what's going on in the world of velocipeding?  Well, there's a Tour of California:

Yeah, I'm not following that, despite the incredulity expressed by commenters like this:


Blond, California Beach Blond said...

Snob not following the Tour of California??? At the end of each stage two super fox California surfer chicks give the Ass Monkey of the day a kiss. What's not to like?

May 16, 2013 at 9:51 AM 

So wait, I'm supposed to sit through some stupid bike race just to watch a couple of women give some Fred-for-pay a kiss?  You know, if you like to watch two "super foxes" double-team some mimbo they have this thing on the Internet called porn.  Really, watching bike racing for the sex is like eating ten pounds of this just because you like the olives:

(I'm forming a band called Olive Loaf.  Who wants to join?  Our first gig is opening for the Flaming Douches at the Great GoogaMooga face-stuffing douchefest in Brooklyn, OR.)

I am, however, interested in the local human interest stories surrounding the Tour of California.  For example, yesterday a reader sent me this notice, which was posted at Joe Mama's Coffee in Avila Beach:

I don't know what an "ass bike race" is, but I suppose I'd be pretty annoyed if one came to my town, too--though I'm not sure closing your store the day it is swamped with "rich people" is a particularly shrewd business decision.

I think the owner of Joe Mama may be the sort of person who eats an entire ham just for the olives.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, tomorrow is Bike To Work Day!  Here's the official banner:

Though I'd have gone with this:

At first glance, you might think he's sweaty because he biked to work.  Actually, though, what's happening is that his sexy co-worker promised him a "blowie" if he rode to work, and now he's cashing in.

My ideas are far too edgy for the stodgy world of bike advocacy.

Oh, here's the sexy co-worker:

See what I mean?  Edgy.

Anyway, the do-gooders at Transportation Alternatives are turning themselves inside out to please you this year, at least according to the email I received:

On Friday morning, leave extra-early for work to leave time to hang out with T.A. and other awesome bicyclists. You can find the social scene at one of these seven T.A. Fueling Stations, starting at 7 am:

Brooklyn Bridge (Brooklyn Tower)
Manhattan Bridge (Manhattan-side bike path exit)
Joyce Kilmer Park (E. 161st Street and Grand Concourse)
Williamsburg Bridge (Brooklyn-side bike path entrance)
Queensboro Bridge (Queens-side bike path entrance)
Staten Island Ferry (Whitehall Terminal)
Hudson River Greenway (W. 72nd Street)

Each T.A. fueling station will have coffee and breakfast, courtesy of our wonderful sponsors: KIND, Cabot, Brooklyn Roasting Co. and Vita Coco.

One of those fueling stations (TA won't reveal which) will also feature a desk, where you can sit down on a swivel chair, put your hands behind your head, and enjoy your congratulatory Bike To Work Day "blowie."

Of course, those of you who don't get a "blowie" still need to be congratulated for the simple act of riding your bicycle to work, so there's also a party for you--in Brooklyn, naturally, because only people in Brooklyn ride bikes:


On Friday night, put your party shoes on for an after work bicycling celebration. You can find the big biking bash in DUMBO, under the archway of the Manhattan Bridge, starting at 6:30 pm. Here’s just some of the exciting line-up of activities at the Bike Home from Work Party, presented by Giro:

• Pop-up shops, like Giro’s “New Road” apparel line and the Shinola bicycle collection
• Brooklyn Brewery beer garden
• Food vendors curated by the Brooklyn Flea
• Free food and drinks from Brooklyn Roasting Co., KIND, Cabot, Vita Coco and PopChips
• Reflective Fashion show projected onto the Manhattan Bridge
• DIY Silkscreen Station with Holstee, bike-friendly braid bar, Self-Portrait Project photo booth

And much more!

By the way, here's a handly translation guide for all the Nü-Brooklynese in the above announcement:

"New Road" = Regular shorts
"Pop-up shop" = A stand
"Food vendor" = A stand
"Curated" = Chosen, usu. in exchange for kickbacks
"Free food and drinks" = An hour-long line of sweaty white people in messenger bags and shants
"Reflective Fashionshow projected onto the Manhattan Bridge" = Embarrassing multi-media display
"Bike-friendly braid bar" = ???

I only left Brooklyn six months ago and already I hardly speak the language anymore.

Anyway, if you're going to participate in Bike To Work Day, here's my advice:

1) Get a job;
2) Ride your bike to it.

Good luck, and Lobspeed.

It's Wednesday. I'm So Excited, And I Just Can't Hide It. In Fact, I'm About To Lose Control, And I Think I Like It.

Holy crap, I have so much stuff to promote this morning!

I absolutely live for promotion!!!

First of all, do you want to win a bike?  Of course you do.  Your bike is a piece of crap.  (Assuming you're Bike Snob Daily News, that is.)  Well, here's your chance to score yourself some sweet, sweet crotch candy and promote ME in the process:

Be it.  Love it.  Win it.  Ride it.

But that's not all!  I also wrote a blog post for my publisher's website:

So read it.  Or at least skim it.  Come on, you at least owe me that much.

Selfish bastards.

But that's not all!  Assuming you're not yet as sick of me as I am of myself, you should come to BOSTON to LANDRY'S on SATURDAY the 18th to RIDE and HEAR JOCULAR TALKING!!!  Even the local cops are excited about it!

See?

Yeah, beat that, Bike Snob Daily News!!!

(By the way, my Boston visit is an Esteemed Commenter Daddo One Production, so please address any questions to him via the comments section below.  Will there be chips and dip?  Chips and no dip? Dip but no chips?  Or no chips or dip?  I have no idea, but he does.  So ask him, all right?  Just leave me alone.  I can't even find Boston on a map of New Hampshire, for chrissakes!)

***Oh, and I forgot: Fat Cyclist is going to be interviewing me tomorrow LIVE on the INTERNET.  I can't keep track of all this stuff!

Speaking of Bike Snob Daily News, she might think the bike share bikes are crap, but I think she's out of her mind:

I'd share the shit out of that bike.  But I don't have to.  Because it's mine.  (I was kind of scared that the docking station would lock when I put the bike in there, though.  That would have been HILARIOUS, because then I'd have to wait until the program launches on May 27th to get my rear wheel back.)

By the way, see all that garbage behind the docking station?

Yes, it appears the bike share opponents were right.  The docking stations are obviously preventing the Department of Sanitation from picking up the garbage, so it's just going to pile up and pile up and pile up until we all have to move into outer space like in the movie WALL-E.

Then we'll get so fat that we'll be over the draconian 260lb rider weight limit.

Also, if you're wondering why I was riding around the city on a mountaineering bicycle, it's because I was visiting my favorite all-terrain bicycle cycling spot:

It's called the "dog run," which is mountain biker lingo for "mountain bike trail:"

I got into a big shouting match with some guy who was letting his Lhasa Apso run all over the place without a leash, and then I spent the rest of the day cleaning dog feces out of my knobbies.

People can be such dicks.

Speaking of bike share, the New York Times has published the only semi-sane article to date (with accompanying video) about the controversy surrounding the system:

I admit, I'm becoming addicted to stupid bike share complaint porn, and this may be the stupidest complaint yet:

Now, even some avid cyclists have found occasion to complain. At a recent community meeting on bike share in the West Village, Jane Browne, 42, who initially supported the program, said she had recently seen mice scurrying in the “corridors of trash and water” that formed between a nearby bike station and the curb.

Yeah, that's right.  Jane Browne, a grown woman of 42 years of age, thinks the bike share stations are attracting mice.

This is a disaster in the making, because first you've got vermin, and the next thing you know they're demanding their own bike share system:

(Founded picture here.)

Yeah, I realize it's a hamster but whatever, loosen up.

To be completely fair though, I'm not surprised people are complaining.  Look, I get it.  Let's say you live in this building.  For years your doorman has been hailing you a cab, and it's been stopping right in front of your awning.  It's a luxuriously seamless transition.  Then one day you walk out and find this in the way:

Sure, at first it may seem like an imposition, but if you think about it, it's actually an opportunity.  Instead of taking a taxi, why not just grab a bike?

Well, I'll tell you why not:

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY MICE BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN REMOVE THE BIKE FROM THE KIOSK!

Every day at least ten Londoners are devoured by rodents while trying to borrow a Boris Bike, but this news has been suppressed by the liberal media.

Anyway, it's easy for me to mock the people who are suddenly tripping over bike share stations when they leave their front doors because there will never, ever be a bike share station on my street.  That's because I live on a pretty steep hill, and anybody who tried to ride a 50lb Citi Bike to my front door would keel over and die.  Seriously.  I can barely make it back to my own home on a bike with a compact crank, and I'm a highly-trained and extremely fit cyclist who is an incredible rider and awesome.

Just check out my Strava if you don't believe me.

Anyway, the point is that if you don't like bike share, move to the face of a giant mountain.

In other smugness news, Yehuda Moon alerted me via Twitter to this list of smug (or in most cases simply inept) celebrities:

Which was clearly written by either a third grader or Bike Snob Daily News:

Robert Pattinson is the Twilight star that said he didn’t quite know how to drive to Ellen DeGeneres on her hit show. He said that he didn’t know how to drive, and that it was terrifying. He said he didn’t know the most basic things about driving, but he does drive himself around L.A.

Wait, what?  So he didn't know how to drive to Ellen DeGeneres, or he didn't know how to drive at all?  Maybe he just needed directions.  Also, this:

Robbie Williams doesn’t have a driving license yet. He said that he doesn’t drive in London because the traffic is so bad. He said that he takes cabs everywhere. He still has no license, and he lives in Los Angeles, which is pretty hard for him at 37 years of age.

Yes, it is hard to live in Los Angeles when you're 37.  Bewildering syntax aside, if the traffic is so bad in London how does taking a cab help?  Do they drive on the sidewalk?

In any case, Yehuda Moon pointed out the obvious omission of David Byrne, but clearly he didn't click through all the way:

David Byrne was in the music band group The Talking Heads.  David Byrne doesn't own a car or drive a car because instead he rides a bike in New York City where he lives.  New York City has the subway.  The subway is a special train that goes underground.  David Byrne used to wear a big suit that he didn't wear while driving because he doesn't.  Apples are mostly red, but some of them are green.

Someone give that kid who writes for the gossip website an A for "Affort."

Lastly, Bradley Wiggins has managed to offend both women and timid descenders in a single interview:

“Let's be honest" he said. "I descended like bit of a girl really after the crash."

Only Wiggo was quick to clarify his remarks by saying: “Not to disrespect girls, I have one at home.”

"Some of my best friends are black," he then added.

Someone really needs to tell Wiggins not to talk to anybody ever.  You'd think his team's clothing sponsor, Rapha, would have fitted him with some sort of rakish silk muzzle by now, because he handles his tongue about as well as he handles his bike:



No disrespect to shit, he took one at home.

Bring Out Your Dumb! Still More Bike Share Angst

With our bike share program set to debut on March 27th, New York City's anti-bike forces have somehow managed to find a moron throttle setting beyond "full retard" and are now simply blasting off into "plaid:"



For example, in this hard-hitting exclusive, the New York Post reveals that Citi Bike will have a weight limit:

“If you’re 260 pounds or 300 pounds and want to ride a bike, you should be allowed to. You’re making a choice to live healthier and to lose weight,” said Jhoskaira Ferman, a 20-year-old student from Pelham Bay, Bronx.

Oh, boo hoo.  First of all, nobody's going to be hanging around the bike share kiosks with a scale, so I wouldn't really worry about it until you keel over and try to sue.  Second of all, guess what?  You can't ride all the rides at Great Adventure either:

What is considered exceptional size where rides are concerned? 


Safety is our number one priority. Guests with certain body proportions, height and/or weight may not be able to participate on certain rides if the safety restraints will not operate as designed. Specific ride information is available at the ride and at Guest Relations.

Anyway, somehow I doubt there are legions of overweight people in New York City who are feeling disenfranchised by the bike share weight limit--though if they are then perhaps this weight limit will inspire them to meet their weight loss goals.

I do admit though that I enjoy it when the Post tries to play the pathos card:

Yeah, I'm sure they're really worried about him.  In any case, if I see that guy riding around on a Citi Bike I promise not to rat him out.

(By the way, the reason for the conservative weight limit is that all Citi Bikes will be equipped with Mavic R-Sys wheelsets.)

But rider weight isn't the only thing keeping the editorial staff at the Post awake at night.  Now they're also complaining that the bikes themselves are too heavy:

Simply heaving the bulky, 45-pound cruisers in and out of their kiosk slots is heavy lifting. And riding them isn’t that easy, either — they’re solid to the point of being clunky to maneuver at times.

After their use, bikes must be rolled into a kiosk slot at just the right angle — until it clicks locked.

Until it clicks locked?!?  Those monsters!

Still, I admit the Post makes a good point here, because you know what's not heavy and doesn't require approaching a parking space at just the right angle?  A fucking car.  Have you seen the average idiot in New York try to park an SUV?  It's like watching an old person try to perform coitus before the Viagra kicks in.

I do think the Post should be careful here though, because they're contradicting themselves in a manner that's pitifully obvious even for them.  Do they want the bike share system open to the morbidly obese who may not survive the heaving and grunting involved in moving the bikes in and out of the kiosks?  Or do they want light, agile roadsters that will collapse under their weight in short order?

But when it comes to critiquing the bikes themselves (which, it should be said, is like criticizing the New York City subway for not having a dining car), nobody beats the Daily News.  Indeed, I was just reading Streetsblog, where I came across this article:

Holy shit!  The Daily News has its own Bike Snob?!?  Indeed, they do, and here she is making a great big "doucheclamation point:"

(Bike Snob Daily News makes the universal symbol for "sideways vagina.")

Yes, BSDN has sterling bike snob credentials, and here they are:

As a proud bike snob, who is rarely without her her SE Draft steel-frame fixie, I leaped at the chance to test the bright blue CitiBike.

Wait, she knows about bikes because she rides an SE Draft?  This is like saying, "As a proud gourmand, who is rarely without a six-piece Chicken McNuggets...," or, "As a proud bibliophile, who is rarely without her copy of 'Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started'..."

Really, saying you know bikes because you ride a cheap fixie is almost as ridiculous as saying you're a journalist because you write for the Daily News.

But don't tell BSDN that, or she'll hit you with the sideways vajayjay:

So what's BSDN's big beef with the bike share heaps, anyway?  Well, for one thing, there's this:

My handbag could barley fit into the metal basket. The bungee rope, connected to the bike, took manly might to safely secure the purse.

Seriously?  The basket's too small and the bungee cord is too hard to stretch?  Is this really a complaint?  It's an amenity on a public facility.  Does she also complain about the toilet seats in public restrooms?

Next, she simply lapses into porn:

It was time to get dirty. Squatting my knees, I needed all of my power to tug the bike out of its holder.

Clearly BSDN is recycling the erotica she writes in her spare time by doing a search-and-replace with the words "bike" and "dong."

Oh, also, these bikes aren't hardcore enough for the mean New York streets:


But exerting all my energy got me to about 7 mph. Joggers go faster than that. Yawn. CitiBikes are too slow to survive a New York minute.

Please.  I'd rather ride a bike share bike than BSDN's crappy SE Draft any day.  If anything's not cut out to survive a New York minute it's BSDN, who had to hire a coach to teach her to ride in traffic in the first place:

I wrote about this back when the article first appeared, but here's my favorite part again:

Me and my breed of urban bikers obey the rules and also follow a code of ethics.

"Don't ride in platform shoes. Or flip-flops. Don't ride and text," said my bike coach John Campo, 62, who trains me on how not to die while peddling on a New York street.
Campo teaches folks how to "street ride," a culture mixed with bike messenger-styled aggressiveness (yes, we scream at drivers and pedestrians not giving us the right of way) and staying safe.

She should also hire a writing coach to teach her the difference between "peddle" and "pedal."

Also, back then BSDN rode (or, in her parlance, "peddled") a Surly Steamroller:

I hate being in the overpriced sticky subways and opt to ride my sweet Surly Steamroller instead of paying for a cab. I bike to crime scenes while on the job for the Daily News, and have no problem peddling to dinner parties sporting shorts under a fancy dress.

So why the downgrade to the SE Draft?  Because the Steamroller got stolen:

You'd think someone who's been the victim of a bike theft would be more appreciative of a bike share system she's under absolutely no obligation to use.  As it is, bike theft keeps forcing her to downgrade, and at this rate it won't be long before she's riding a Walmart bike that will have her wishing she was on a bike share bike.

In any event, I guess John Campo didn't cover the part about using a lock.

So would the tabloids get behind bike share if they offered, light, nimble, flickable urban douchecycles like The Budnitz?  No, then they'd deride it as a plaything for the 1%--though I just this morning received an email informing me I've ordered a "Model No. 5 Titanium" (and that my name is "Oh"):

I can assure you that I have absolutely not ordered a Budnitz, so I'm going on the theory that Old Man Budnitz is trying to shake me down for $500.

Meanwhile, in sporting news, I guess it's a rest day or something at the Giro d'Italia:

Yes, nothing gets you going again like some fresh blood.

And in California, in the other tour I'm ignoring, it's apparently too fucking hot:

This is the effect of “epic.” It has a human cost, and it looks like a terrified bike racer, bleached by extreme heat, lying shirtless on his back, his body wet under rivers of ice water.

Please, nobody tell Rapha this, because as soon as they find out that "hot" is the new "epic" they'll start having Gentlemen's Races on the surface of Venus.