Tuesday, December 14, 2010

BSNYC Product Retrospective: Scattante Empire State Courier and Sundries

("A Very Tarcky Christmas," spotted by Helen in Aspen, CO)

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned Mario Cipollini's all-consuming fear of an increasingly androgynous professional peloton, one commenter has offered a compelling view of the future based on the shocking evidence that Cipollini has brought to light:

Anonymous said...

In 500 years time the genderway indifferent Shepollini will not so much be remembered as an ancient pro cyclist, but instead will be revered by the predominate sub species (Homo sapien shemaleien) as the Adam and Eve of their kind. Shepollini will also be regarded by history as the founding fathermother of the distant futures most popular sport: Cyclocrossdressing. Some historians will contend that the practice of cross dressing on bicycles began before the emergence of the Shepollini bloodline during the single speed mountain bike racing era, otherwise known by future academia as "The Second Dark Age" due to the stagnated and regressed state of cycling at this time, but popular mythology will attest otherwise.
When some smug person tells you that cycling is the transport of the future, don't listen. It will in fact be the tranny sport of the future. And I should mention, Shepollini says that wet chain lube is categorically better that dry chain lube, for hair styling. ce

December 14, 2010 7:31 AM


I have very little reason to doubt that pretty much all of this will ultimately come to pass, and if in 500 years "the genderway indifferent Shepollini" is in fact not lauded as the founding fathermother of not only a new cycling discipline but also a completely new form of humanity blessed with two sets of genitals, I will eat a Rapha hat.

(Founding Fathermother Mario Cipollini fertilizes a new Earth with his hair drippings.)

Speaking of intensely spiritual creation myths, the holidays are now upon us. This means people everywhere are begrudgingly exchanging gifts they can't afford, motivated entirely by the socially-imposed sense of responsibility that drives our retail economy. In fact, even I have just received a gift, which was packed in actual marshmallows:

This is certainly the most stomach-turning packing job I've ever seen (and that includes the time at an old job when someone accidentally mailed us his own trash), and had it spent another day at my mailbox the rats almost certainly would have gotten to it and I'd be posting this from the bubonic plague ward at Beth Israel Medical Center. (This is the only place left in town where you can still get a decent bloodletting.)

The package, as it turns out, was from online Fred supply dispensary Performance, and it contained the items you see below:

As well as a "LiveWrong" bracelet, which I immediately placed on my Edgar Allan Poe bobblehead:

(Enter discount code "NEVERMORE" for big, big savings on gothic poetry and half-shorts.)

I was especially pleased to receive the lights, which are USB rechargeable. I've already been using similar lights from "hipster cyst" pioneers Knog, and I don't mind saying that I highly recommend USB rechargeable lights from the manufacturer of your choice. Not only do they liberate you from the hated disposable battery, but they also give you an excuse to spend more time on the Internet while they charge, which means that browsing online pornography for hours on end has finally been transformed into an act of bicycle safety.

Also, Performance included this. I have no idea what it is, but I'm assuming it's a prototype for a new Forté-branded singlespeed conversion kit that's even more crappy than the one they already offer:

Either that, or it's a pizza cutter with ceramic bearings.

Most significantly, though, Performance packed a chain rivet plier and lockring tool to celebrate the second anniversary of my Scattante Empire State Courier--an occasion I had forgotten, and of which they reminded me when I emailed them in the spirit of the season to tell them to never, ever send me a box full of fucking marshmallows again.

It's amazing to think that when, way back in September of 2008, Performance "dropped" its line of "urban" fixed-gear-ready Scattante singlespeeds and, in the process, stole material from my blog for their marketing copy, the cycling world reeled with disbelief. "This is the end!," cried the "bike culture." "Performance selling 'fixies' and quoting some blogger whose 15 minutes ended months ago in order to do it? Surely, the shark has been jumped!" Little did we all know what would follow: the closing of the fixed-gear "culture;" the Urban Outfitters bike; the Walmart bike. (By the way, if you're wondering what happened to my ironic intern, the short version is that I told him he could keep the Walmart bike pending his analysis of it and I never heard from him again, which means he either decided not to follow through with his review, or else he's met with some sort of catastrophe. Either way, he can kiss that BSNYC letter of recommendation goodbye.) In retrospect, Performance's take on the trend seems positively sincere and "OG" in comparison.

In any case, all of this made me pine for those bygone days of innocence, and to think fondly back to that day two years ago when I first opened that box from Performance and thought to myself, "Those dorks have a lot of nerve." I also thought it might be edifying to look at that Empire State Courier once again, and to see what's become of it today. Here's what it looked like in 2008, totally "stock" apart from the "hipster cyst" outbreak:

And here's what it looks like today:


Here's the view from the front:


And here's a disembodied hand:

As you can see, a mere two years in New York can make something look quite defeated and haggard, which goes a long way towards explaining the shattered appearance of all those recent Bard graduates in Williamsburg. For purposes of fit and comfort, I have replaced a number of components with stuff I had lying around--except for the fork, which I was forced to replace after encountering an obstacle in the bike lane and hurtling headlong into the back of a Bud Light truck. The bicycle also had both front and rear brakes until my cockpit was stolen some time ago, after which I only bothered to replace one, which is generally sufficient as the bicycle is fixed of gear. (The freewheel that came with the bike made a displeasing rumbling sound.) Speaking of theft, notice that in New York we actually have to chain our saddles to our bikes, which should give you a good idea of the sorry manner in which we're forced to live our lives. Also, here's what happens to a bike after repeated locking with a heavy chain:


This is a good thing, because it acts as camouflage--as you can see the bike begins to blend into the background.

If you're wondering why to this day so many "hipsters" and practitioners of "cycle chic" in New York seem to have such pristine bicycles, it's either because they don't really ride them very much, or because they've only had them for a few weeks and they haven't been stolen yet.

One development of note between the inception of the Empire State Courier and our present day is the proliferation of Velcro foot retention straps, arguably inspired by PowerGrips, pioneered in their current form by companies like Hold Fast, and fueled by the continuing growth of "fixed-gear freestyling," whose practitioners still refuse to simply ride BMX bikes even as their bicycles grow increasingly more BMX-like by the day. While most most fixed-gear freestyle by-products are mostly undesirable (endless videos of BMX-inspired tricks performed awkwardly), I thought that new forms of foot retention might be the exception, and so awhile back I bought a pair:

I've been using these on my Scattante for a little over a year now, and while I haven't exactly been thrilled with them they're also not so bad that I've bothered to take them off. On the plus side, they work well with smooth-soled, low-profile shoes such as sneakers when the weather is dry. On the negative side, they don't really accommodate the wider lug-soled winter shoes I prefer to wear when it's really crappy out, which was why I wanted to try them in the first place. Plus, they don't work particularly well in the rain, when even though they're synthetic they seem to get soggy and droopy which makes it hard to slide your foot in (though maybe that's just because my shoes get soggy, or because I'm generally a soggy and droopy person). In fairness to Hold Fast, they've changed the design somewhat since I've bought these so maybe they're better now, and I don't doubt that for fixed-gear freestyling they're the fixie-riding bee's blown knees, but I'm sorry to report that based on the ones I have they're not quite the "use them with every shoe you own" solution I'd hoped they'd be.

Anyway, I already had a gigantic USB rechargeable "hipster cyst" growing on the ironic crabon handlebars of my Scattante:

So I put the PerfAxiom lights on my enormous smugness flotilla:

As for which brand of light is brighter, I cannot say, since my method of determining whether or not a light is bright enough is to simply turn it on and look at it, and if doing so makes me wince in pain and see spots for the next 20 minutes then in my estimation it is bright enough. I'm happy to report that both the Knog and the PerfAxiom passed this test, and that lawsuits against both companies are pending. I also acknowledge that I am something of a "light whore" and would never turn away a free one. After all, lights are like condoms and tampons--necessities that we really shouldn't have to pay for:

Much less necessary is a headset spacer with an integrated bottle opener, but as a semi-professional bike blogger I need this to infiltrate "bike culture" events since most of them these days have a three bottle opener minimum:

(After 11 months I have yet to open a single bottle with this apparatus.)

In any case, while I enjoy the WiseCracker for its novelty value, I can't help thinking that if "bike culture" would promote lights half as much as it promotes bottle openers, then the Great Hipster Silk Route would not be thronged with totally invisible cyclists as it is now. (Though admittedly the "muffin tops" of the paler ones are eerily iridescent.)

And finally, here's the view of the Scattante Empire State Courier that the "Cat 6" racers get before they attack me and "drop" me:

Maybe I should cut back on the marshmallows.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, first!!

hub cyclist said...

2?

CommieCanuck said...

meh?

Anonymous said...

One brave soul's journey from minimalism to Nietzsche: All the narcissism of a minimalist, now with syphilis! http://ow.ly/3oGSa

Shu-Sin said...

no more marshmallows!

Anonymous said...

Bingo

JahKnow said...

top ten!

Anonymous said...

coucou

Desert Rider said...

top ten

Paul Bowen said...

Wowsers, top 10!

shoegazer said...

yep!

Astroluc said...

GIGA NTIC

Anonymous said...

I sometimes had wondered what became of the ironic intern.

Anonymous said...

I've never felt the urge to live in New York, but seeing the state of that poor bike after 2 short years has just reaffirmed that. I want to hug it. And cover it in touchup paint.

Anonymous said...

I remember what happened to Kramer's intern

rainer said...

top 20, fair eough

dcee604 said...

TOP 20!
meh...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Soggy and droopy maybe but still the funniest semi-pro bike blog going.

ringcycles said...

I can imagine the bio-pic about Shepollini already:
"Mighty Hermaphrodite"

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

If you talk about a light you got for free, doesnt that make you a "light slut". I am thinking back the chrome bags tattoo lesson. Did I get it backwards?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. I can't wait till you start baby portaging. I myself am rather cheap and run the Ibert baby seat. This time of year the baby acts like a fairing thus keeping this proud Dad warm.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Douchebag said...

Why can't I play reindeer games with whiny liberal pussies?

hillbilly said...

'smore better

Anonymous said...

But bottle-openers are cool and lights (or "lighs" as snob likes to call them) aren't.

Shhhhh... don't tell any of these geniuses that the carbon footprint (or any other consumption measure you like) of that week in the ICU pretty much offsets anything they'll ever save riding.

Anonymous said...

That battered seat tube makes for a strong argument for re-finishing the tube with roofing tar.

samh said...

Scathing today, Mr. Snob!

le Correcteur said...

Ringcycles @1:03:

"Mighty Hermaphrodite" comment:

Very funny: culturally informed and unexpected!

le Correcteur

Anonymous said...

hells ditch

mikeweb said...

I like marshmallows.

yofilly said...

yeah, yeah, yeah. blah, blah, blah. The Phillies got Cliff Lee. Happy Cliff Lee Day!

xyxax said...

Will the Shepollinia leave the toilet seat up or down?

Anonymous said...

Wow, I can't believe it's been two years. Back then I was just a new (not Nu) Fred! Now at least I have the pie plates off.

Anonymous said...

is this about bikes?

AYHSMB said...

Drink Beer. Ride Bikes.
Go Fuck Yourself.

PhilboydStunge said...

The only time I was in NYC was 6-7 years ago and I didn't see a single fixie. I heard about them but no sightings. Nearly every bike I saw had all the tubes wrapped in rubber and had massive chains/locks. I vowed to wrap my bike in rubber the next time I changed the cables so I could look like a BA NewYorker too. I still haven't changed them but my stop gap NewYorker wannabee look was to wrap my bike in friction tape. Wow, it looks like a hockey stick or baseball bat, totally BA. So what's up? Don't all the cool guys wrap their bikes to protect against paint chips anymore? Not you either? Did you ever? I'm going to do it anyway and tell everybody its "just like in NYC"

Anonymous said...

Did the Outlier pants disappear along with the Wal-mart bike?

g-roc said...

Why is it that someone with such an elaborate story of the future can't even make up a name. Anonymous. Feh.

-light junkie (have to pay for mine - light john?)

ervgopwr said...

MRSH MELO

Heather said...

Clearly, you have been given a truing-stand for jockey wheels. Wish I had one. My jockey wheels are all wobbly.

FISTIVUS MAXIMUS said...

A COCK IN THE BUSH IS WORTH TWO IN THE HAND

Cipo said...

'RIGIDITO'

Anonymous said...

My guess would be that Spencer got recycled into usable organs for wealthy chinamen. He always looked so young, gullible and innocent in those photos, the perfect organ harvesting operation victim.

OBA said...

What the hell IS that thing?

Pontius Pilates said...

HAIL CSZR

Late today. (Extra crucifixions - you know how it goes.)

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

It's a bolt on chain tensioner. Just drill a couple holes through the drive side chain stay and use a couple stove bolts and you are good to go.

crosspalms said...

Nice Grinchy colorway on the Tarcky bike

xyxax said...

And in 500 years, we will all be wearing this.
(courtesy of Lucho @ Cycling inquisition)

Shu-Sin said...

xyxax, are those full-arm shepollini tats required too?

crosspalms said...

I think the pizza cutter is a replacement derailleur wheel. Put four of those things on your chair legs and you can roll around carving the living daylights out of your hardwood floors.

3G said...

SCAT GIRL

pinchfinger said...

What is all that white shit on your front fork?
Urban camouflage?

Anonymous said...

It's a chain regulator for a recumbent. Or not.

pinchfinger said...

Or melted marshmallows?

xyxax said...

Shu-Sin

In the bi-genitalway future, we are all zebras.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...speaking of ironic & what about this blog-site is anything other than ironic, we have a celebratory 'christmahannukwanza-festivus' colorwayed 'grinchma tarck-bike' with, wait for it...a bolt on kickstand !!!....nice...

...& just as i always suspected, commiecanuk's new avatar foto reveals that he IS rob ford, trona's new mayor...

crosspalms said...

Not just any replacement derailleur wheel, it's actually a helium-filled aftermarket item for your SRAM Red equipment, so the wheel lives up to the Red name. The bracket it's mounted on is simply to keep it from floating away. With enough of these helium-filled parts on your crabon commuter you'll be so light you'll travel backwards in time far enough to see Cipo with only one set of genitalia.

Udder said...

Your tri-bulb light could pass for radar gun. You could use this as part of a cop disguise and flag down speeding Cat. 6s.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, in 500 years when an ancestor of mine sez "go fuck yourself" to a smug ancestor of that smug bastard mario cipollini, at a future iteration of 'interbike', the reply will be "sto facendo solo che mentre noi parliamo, amico" ("i'm doing just that as we speak, friend")...

...darwin would be amused...& wishing he hadn't missed out...

botch casually said...

Apparently Signore Cipollini's dalliance with the thought of "multi-genderedism" has come up before. I remembered that he was once quoted as saying.

"I am a hermaphrodite I have a penis in my pants and pussy on the brain"

Now I can't remember where I first read it, but I did find one reference to it here. http://ja-jp.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2258201150&topic=4574

Hardly incontrovertible proof that he actually did say it, but it's a great quote any way.

wp said...

Dear Snobbie,

In order that you don't blow your straps nor overrun your lighting the fredhouse has subliminally messaged you to

MASH MELO

The jockey wheel with the 3-foot bolt and hunk of folded sheetmetal is simply how they protect jockey wheels from damage in shipping (in case mashmellows don't suffice).

Steel toed boots at shipping hubs have less to do with falling objects and more to do with podiatric penetration of parcels marked "fragile" and "this way up".

(an insider once confided to me)

What the hell happened to all the cysts? Where they distributed as "awards" to the "winners" of your contests?

nourishment from hair drippage. sweet...hey anybody notice the nfl-weave-craze? another sign of the future?

ANDR OGNY

I'll be back...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I have red jockey wheels.

That looks like one of them.

Anonymous said...

the sheet metal gizmo can't be protecting the jockey wheel as the teeth thereof extend beyond the edges of the sheet metal thingy.

would make a spectaculiar prizeway in a future competion tho.

frilly said...

Mmmm, marshmallows. Soft, sweet pillows of squishy goodness.

That picture makes my mouth water.

Anonymous said...

lots of products on the site lately, bikesnob's definitely doing some advertizing(probably compensated) for surly, performance, etc.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:51pm,

Any advertisements on this site live in the right margin. Any product review posts (or in this case "product retrospective" posts about stuff I've reviewed in the past and still live with) are clearly labeled as such in the post title. I think it's all very straightforward.

--BSNYC/RTMS

de dux del rioto said...

compensation is nice.

Anonymous said...

I'm confused... because reading between the lines with that "heavy chain" comments it sounded to me like BSNYC just said....

That top-tube-protectors are a damn fine idea!

Wow, what goes around comes around...

Salty and Sore said...

A walk down memory lane..



They were the best of times, and...

...well, they were the times, anyway.

And a reference to syphilitic narcissism in the comments. Oh blessed, Christmastime minimalism..

No, it doesn't make sense to me either, but it's already been a long day here.

Sending warm temperatures and thoughts to New York, Ohio, and beyond today! (thank you, cipollini!)

motherf***er said...

in fact, the term won't be fathermother, but rather motherf***er (and by that I, of course, mean motherfather).

Cartman said...

69 comments so far and not one Cartman joke? The fuck...?

Indy Falconheads said...

Slightly iridescent muffin tops; can those be cooked on a campfire as well? Deee-lish!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Snob I think the empire state whatever looks great. and the paint chips just emphasize the fact that you actually ride the thing. Nice wheelbrows too.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Those turkeys didn't send the hose clamps for that chain tensioner? Yeah, you could do like someone suggested and just drill a couple of holes in the chainstay, but then you don't have any way to adjust for chain wear. Oh, you could slot the holes but that's kind of a kludge and if you change gearing then you just have to start all over again.

Anonymous said...

Where did the stock wheel set go?

Punkinhead from Hickville said...

If I was your intern (assuming I'd live in such a cesspoolofhumanity as a city) and you made me ride a BRO (bicycle resembling object) from a big box store (HELL), I would take my leave of your employ and ride it until someone stole it (as I hear cityfolk are wont to do) and then laugh my ass off at the thievery of a such an article.

Then I'd go back home.

same hick diff't post said...

STEL THIS

NTRN IRNY

pack this said...

Donate the mallow-box to the food drive. can-goods, box-goods what's the diff?

Be glad they didn't pack in popcorn. I tried that back when corn was cheap--but it made everything salt and buttery.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, Frilly's breasts...soft, sweet pillows of squishy goodness...

Mario's Double Cousin said...

I've heard of people having family trees with only one branch, but somehow that seems like something different.

Erik said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erik said...

I don't get the bottle opener...doesn't PBR usually come in a can?

Cipo's mom 'n pop grocery said...

Mmm, anon 11:32's muffin tops...soft, sweet pillows of squishy goodness...

leroy said...

Dear Anon 11:32 PM

I believe you are mistakenly fondling my buttocks.

Please stop.

It's kind of creeping me out.

(Note to self: must get off couch more this winter.)

Anonymous said...

Italian panties!

RANTWICK said...

NIce wheelbrows on the Scattante. I used power grips (the over-long boot-accomodating ones) on an old winter bike of mine. They were great. I wonder if you can still get'em?

I bet somebody already covered this in the comments, but I'm too lazy to read all that.

Lowest Unique Bid said...

Beautiful ones :) !!!

Bobby said...

Wow, marshmallow packing material? I guess you can think of it this way, Sir Snob. If your shipment is missing, just follow the trail of ants to find that new "tensioner".

Did some tard come up with this one in a seizure of eco-friendliness? Just wait, some other eco-nut will come up witha save the marshmallows campaign.

Oh, the mad scientist is thinking...sugar has plenty of crabon atoms within it, hardly crabon neutral.

Anonymous said...

i fucking hate marshmallows eat your sweet potatoes without more sugar or you'll end up puking all the way from the meadow to the lake with a trail of anal leakage. super fun

Anonymous said...

too much anal sex /rape in past

Anonymous said...

powergrips are around, spend 3 more dollars and get free shipping from amazon...

power grips on amazon

in case i did the html wrong here is the link

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Grips-Standard-295mm-Hardware/dp/B0011ZH312/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292688248&sr=8-1

The Dude Abides said...

Bikesnob dude, I love you man. Come to Boulder, and we can look at bike porn together. There's also another great organization in Boulder called Community Cycles, check em' out. My current ride is a Diamondback Edgewood, which I plan doing a tour to Michigan on this summer.

Ace said...

Nice CXP14's. The magic spun by such mythical out-of-production "OG-DeepVees" should be enough to drop even the most bloodthirsty Cat-6 wheelsucker.

Wish I hadn't put mine on my girlfriend's Maddy...

Anonymous said...

i just got my fixie in ny!! http://purefixcycles.com/products-page/single-speed/the-delta/

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self employed courier services said...

Is it a courier cycle???

fadrickvagat said...

I also thought it might be edifying to look at that Empire State Courier one time again, and to see what is become of it today.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Yup that's definitely one of the tackiest looking bikes ever.

Matt said...

Ringcycles @1:03: "Mighty Hermaphrodite" comment: Very funny: culturally informed and unexpected! le Correcteur

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Tim said...

I can imagine the bio-pic about Shepollini already: "Mighty Hermaphrodite"