Thursday, February 10, 2011

In The Zeitgeist Tonight: Don't Be a Pie Biter

As you may know, not too long ago I wrote a book. Naturally, like any author, I hoped it would be well received. At the same time, though, I of course realized that as a first-time author I should temper my expectations. So you can imagine my surprise when that book, "The Da Vinci Code," became a worldwide bestseller and went on to sell over 80 million copies and was adapted into a movie starring Tom Hanks.

Sadly, my follow-up book, the self-titled "Bike Snob," did not sell quite as well, and Tom Hanks also declined to star in the film version, citing a prior commitment to do "Turner and Hooch II." ("Bike Snob" the movie will instead star lesser known Baldwin brother Chico--at least he says he's a Baldwin brother.) However, "Bike Snob" has been something of a success in its own right, having appeared under a dead turtle in the West Elm furniture catalog, and now, as a number of people inform me, being barely visible inside a bag sold by the Timbuk2 bagular conglomerate:

The bag is called the Zeitgeist, which means "the spirit of the times," and if there are two things that are emblematic of our age they are certainly books and croquet. As far as I knew, croquet breathed its last gasp in 1989 with the movie "Heathers:"

And as for books, the only thing keeping them around is that people need decorative pedestals for their dead turtles. In fact, even bags themselves are totally out of style, having given way once and for all to the "fanny pack," as the Wall Street Gerbil reports:

Unfortunately, the article omits the driving force behind the fanny pack resurgence, which as everybody knows is the urban "fixie" scene. Hipster cyclists love all those "waist bags" and "utility belts" and "u-lock holsters," and it is this irresistible compulsion to transform themselves into elaborately tattooed marsupials that has catapulted the "fanny pack" out of the faux dive bars of Brooklyn and the Mission District and onto the runways. The article did have one bit of useful information though, which is that not everybody calls them fanny packs because in some countries the word "fanny" is really dirty:

Some international designers have a cultural reason to back away from the word "fanny." Innocuous slang for the gluteus maximus in the U.S., the word is an obscenity in the U.K. and Australia, where it refers to female genitalia. In those countries, fanny packs are typically known as a "bum bags." The French call the style "le sac banane," a mocking reference to the banana shape of the pouch.

In other words, fanny means this--though that's not stopping at least one company from embracing the gynecologic connotations of the accessory:

Yes, it's called the "Cling," and nothing clings to your waist like a capacious Vag-X--though given the fact it employs a zipper I might have gone with the name "Vag-X Dentata" instead. Incidentally, the article also points out that the French call the fanny pack "le sac banane," which seems like it would mean "banana bag," and which in turn sounds suspiciously similar to what many English speakers call a "banana hammock:"

I wonder how many bananas you can "portage" in a Vag-X, and the 'Hof looks like he can't wait to find out.

Speaking of idiotic things to put on your waist, if you still have room next to your Vag-X and your u-lock holster and your fanny pack and your utility pouch and you don't mind the fact that you're unable to go to the bathroom without sending 60lbs of loose change, combination 15mm wrench-and-bottle-openers, and "Wednesday weed"-smoking paraphernalia crashing to the sticky restroom floor, you might want to wedge one of these things in there too:

"Turn any ride into Critical Mass," suggests the copy, and I'm sure the police will be delighted by the strains of the neutered warbling "indie" rock leitmotif that follows you everywhere as they impound your bicycle and pack you off to jail.

Of course, if you're only a waist and legs then a fanny pack may be your only choice, and that's certainly the case with the model in this eBay auction that was forwarded to me by a reader:

Featuring two disembodied hands as well as a disembodied pelvis, this photograph sets the new standard by which all future eBay photographs will be measured:

If only there were some clue as to what sort of magic the seller employed to achieve this effect, for the way in which the upper body seamlessly disappears into that sponge-painted wall is nothing short of beguiling. In fact, it was so amazing that I almost considered placing a bid, except I've now decided to hold off on any road bike purchases until the new BERU f1sytems Factor001 SuperDouche 9000 Ubercycle is available at my LBS:

Yes, this stunning engineering marvel costs £25,000 (or something like US$9 billion in my country's pretend money) and it can tell the moneyed Fred how just how badly he sucks at riding a bike in something like 17 different ways:

BERU f1systems have brought together virtually every available measurement of rider performance to create a professional training tool leaps ahead of anything the cycling world has even envisaged.

I'm not sure if this bicycle will end amateur road racing once and for all by finally providing participants with incontrovertible evidence of how pathetic they are, or if it will cause it to grow tenfold by amplifying the Quixotic nature of "training" scientifically for your local club race or group ride. It could go either way, but I suspect it will be the latter. Unfortunately, the makers of this ridiculous machine couldn't manage to incorporate the "breath gas analysis," but they did equip it with "core-temperature sensing:"

Was there a technology that you weren’t able to incorporate into the 001?

We looked long and hard at physiological metrics and the only useful one we wanted that wasn’t possible to provide was breath gas analysis. We were told people wanted to see real-time oxygen consumption figures but that was a step too far even for us. We're proud to offer riders core-temperature sensing from an encapsulated sensor which is swallowed by the rider and then transmits data to the head unit. Performance in the heat has received a lot of attention from pro teams so we think that's a great addition.


This will be a very welcome feature for the Fred who's so captivated by his meager wattage output that he doesn't realize it's time to take off his neon green windbreaker. I'm also sure this bicycle will appeal to Charles Manantan of PezCycling News (author of the ultimate dentist bike review), who a commenter recently mentioned actually wrote the following:

A bike part’s relative importance is, as ever, directly related to the proximity and effect on genitalia (as is literally everything else in life).

Given this, he should really enjoy the core temperature sensor on that BERU bike, since it's probably a repurposed rectal thermometer that nestles itself delightfully close to the prostate.

Meanwhile, while Manantan is enthralled by anything that comes into contact with his taint, the mainstream media remains fascinated by people who ride bicycles, and a reader has forwarded me a (non-embeddable, so click the link) Weather.com report about some guy who rides a snow bike to work:

One of my favorite aspects of any bicycling-themed news report is always the reporter's total incredulity that someone actually rides a bicycle. Note her inflection when she says the following at 44 seconds:

His bikes have more miles than his car!

I love how she says it as though that's the epitome of insanity, in exactly the same way she'd say something like: "He keeps an incredibly rare Fahaka puffer fish in his toilet!"

Now, sure, those are some pretty nasty conditions, and even a rider as hardy as Charles Manantan would probably leave the bike at home on a day like that, but is riding your bike in the winter really that crazy? I don't ski, but as far as I know people ski in the winter pretty much exclusively, but I never see stories about those quirky people who slide down snowy mountains in February. "His skis have more miles than his Rollerblades!"

Similarly, a number of people have alerted me to a student who's delivering pies by bicycle in Seattle, and the local news seems to find this concept similarly unfathomable:



Here he is at work:

Don't get me wrong--I admire "Piecycle" guy's entrepreneurship and can-do sub-Canadian spirit, but why is everybody in the story so amazed? Maybe it's because I live in New York, where I can't even walk outside without getting mowed down by some food delivery guy riding an electric bike at 30mph on the sidewalk, but is bringing pie from one place to another on a bicycle really that big a deal? Apparently it is--so much so that he even has "groupies:"

"When I heard that he was delivering pie by bicycle, it was a short stop to me falling in love."

This satisfied customer was similarly blown away by the unthinkable notion that someone could actually bake a pie, put it in a bicycle basket, and miraculously transport that very same pie to him for consumption:

"We were like, 'Hey, guy's delivering pie on a bicycle so we had to do it.'"

Of course, this is exactly the sort of thing that boggles the mind of the marijuana enthusiast, so I guess their amazement makes sense. "Dude, how awesome would it be if some guy showed up on a bike with a big fucking pie right now?" So I'm sure when it actually happens it seems like magic.

Needless to say, pie porteur bikes are almost certainly to be all the rage at this year's NAHBS, which means that whittled stick cockpits like this one spotted in Portland by a reader will soon be totally out of style:

Though I suppose the rider could use them to roast marshmallows and become a cycling roasted marshmallow vendor. "We were like, 'Hey, guy's roasting marshmallows on his own handlebars and delivering them, so we had to do it.'" Just wait until those S'mores "drop"--the pie will go the way of the designer cupcake.

105 comments:

Fritz said...

bing

Diego said...

Podiumish

Anonymous said...

yesy! raf

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

close but no cigar.

SLAM said...

who's on it?

Anonymous said...

yes

streepo said...

ok

Anonymous said...

Dammit! Couldn't hold the wheel again!

streepo said...

I'd like to make progress.

rigtenzin said...

bing

Anonymous said...

zeitge10st!

Anonymous said...

What is the story with that brake lever?

Anonymous said...

Is that a naked lady on a recumbent?

streepo said...

I'd like to ride the world's most advanced bicycle at Harrod's.

Top said...

STOV TOP!

Portlandpeopleeater said...

Top 20

SLAM said...

A bike without full lenght fenders cannot be called a winter bike.

It's called an offending bike. even more so when you follow one of those with stupid snow blower like funnel of a removable rear fender.

Crap, I say.

S.LAM.

samh said...

Looks like the "Non Clothes-Wearing Freddette from the Planet Recumbent" is quickly becoming the "T-Shirt Wearing Retro Fred from the Planet Tri Dork" 2.0.

randy said...

all you naked ladies straddle my recumbent.

Buffalo Bill said...

I wonder if the SuperDouche 9000 Ubercycle come with a lifetime supply of core temperature sensors, or does the buyer need to task his butler with fishing them out of the septic tank?

Progress is everybody's business!

pink lobster said...

PNK L BSTR

Neil said...

Retrieving that encapsulated sensor after it 'passed' would be bad enough, but swallowing it again for the next ride would be downright disgusting.

Neil said...

damn, Bill beat me to it!

crosspalms said...

If I ditch my Larry Kings, will I get more press too?

Congrats on breaking into the croquet world! Curling and bocce will surely be next.

xyxax said...

Snob,

You know, it's a short ride from being a prop to becoming a mega-celebrity.
Example: Bristol Palin

RANTWICK said...

Mmmm. Pie.

Fashion freaks me out. Are Fanny Packs really back in? Time flies, doesn't it? It seems like only yesterday that the only thing they were good for was concealing crack.

Jon said...

I hear that recumbabe is a stripper. She's on her way to work. I cannot believe it!

Marcel Da Chump said...

It could be the mallet is for bike polo.

Oldentard said...

I don't get it.

Jon said...

Or, better yet, the recumbabe is a prostitute. Local man: "We were like, 'Hey, gal's delivering pie on a bicycle so we had to do it.'"

sweatpants cyclist said...

Too bad that guy is off his sadddle of his BERU f1systems, otherwise we would be left wondering whether the core temperature sensor is installed on the seatpost for "total integration".

sweatpants cyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
daniel said...

"If only there were some clue as to what sort of magic the seller employed to achieve this effect"

This portion made me laugh for about 2 minutes. Amazing.

Do you happen to have the Picycle mans phone number? I just bounced an ounce and I gots the munchies bad yo.

ervgopwr said...

TMBK TOOO
SACK BOOK

Sean C said...

How could you know about both the resurgence of the fanny pack, and the availability of skullcandy's obnoxious loudspeakers for your hip (double meaning, get it?!), and yet NOT know about the JammyPack?????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JceC3s5lkng

It's even promoted by total lacrosse dude, the Flowseidon himself, Con Bro Chill.

Anonymous said...

Let's see...How can my bike bring me groupie chicks & pretend money?

Anonymous said...

How could BERU f1systems make a bike like that and forget the Gruber Assist motor?

Or did they???

joel said...

Speaking of riding in the snow/cold/ winter the running of the 2011 Arrowhead Ultra was a little over a week ago. www.arrowheadultra.com

I'm amazed that people think a commute is extreme when stuff like this goes on.

Anonymous said...

Today is Steve Tilford's birthday.

ervgopwr said...

I'm still amazed that there are efforts of up to 25,000 euro (or $9million) for bicycles. Ones you have to power your self.

Now I'm all for a great crabon bike, but once I could spend that much and get a killer motorcycle, THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEDAL!, for the same price I'm always at a loss for words. Guess not really, since I just expressed them.

wurd.

DIK WAGNER said...

LEITMOTIF INDEED

Dave said...

Snobbie can you at least throw a couple of Piers Morgans over the naked recumbent lady? Your post is NSFW.

Astroluc said...

hit me with your whittled stick... TOP 50!!

hillbilly said...

PIE HOLE

Bob Redford said...

Doesn't the naked lady look a bit like Eileen Brennan - not that I've ever seen her naked

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Naked ladies on recumbents...Yes Please!

Comment deleted said...

What I really want is a core gas sensor (and corresponding leak alarm).

Anonymous said...

wait just a damn minute here, you're telling me the UW guy delivers food by bicycle! that is fucking insane!!

Og LoneWolf said...

Pizza, mmmmm

FTW

Jasper said...

Jon @12.58, If she was a stripper, I would hope that she would be on the way back from work. Otherwise she has kind of spoiled the surprise.

mikeweb said...

Today's line of the day:

Of course, this is exactly the sort of thing that boggles the mind of the marijuana enthusiast

This bicycle themed blog is so amazing I just HAVE to read it!!

Twistyface said...

Ifvyou must cover up the bareback recumbent wifey, I implore you to please use something less offensive than 'piers morgan'.

Oh, and please can you up the ante on the journalism front: no mention of whether the pies are sweet or savoury?

Hi, I am twelve years old and what is this? said...

Hey Snob-

If i was the one mocking up the recumbabe's image on adspace i would be laughing my snobsticles off. hope the hard industrial brooklyn landscape hasn't jaded you to the point you can't giggle uncontrollably at the site of boobies on a silly bike.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

Holy fuck.

Gordon said...

Now if the pieman were to have his wares delivered by recumbabe, then I would buy something sweet or savoury.
ZEIT GIST

Jon said...

@ Dave @ 1:37pm: Your coworkers must be very close. Do you share a monitor?

Bill Gram said...

Imagine how fast I could climb Monte Douche if I just just lose all the dead weight above my waist.

Vive Le Sac Banane!

Etherhuffer said...

The recumbabe is maybe delivering hair pies. Oops, nobody wears hair there anymore.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Astroluc,
Ian Dury & the Blockheads!

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Long and hard, like me.

Get it?

I'd hit it, but I'm not growing a beard to do so.

Anyway, I'd be so quick she wouldn't feel a thing.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Yum! Dirty pies! Mmm I can almost taste the filth in them now. Delivered by a cook who who doesn't bother to take his apron off or properly box the pie while riding his bike. Then he dishes out the pie with his filthy gloved hand. Deee-licious!

Test Tickle said...

HAIR PIES

balls.

Fred said...

Pie by bike? Meh. Call me when you've developed an edible disc wheel.

Anonymous said...

Banana hammock?

Budgie smugglers, thank you.

Anonymous said...


Bob Redford said...

Doesn't the naked lady look a bit
like Eileen Brennan - not that I've
ever seen her naked


I have. And the resemblance is uncanny.

Dr. Kutchurcockov said...

Being a minimalist doctor I am now offering a new service to the true miniamalist.

- END TESTICULAR DUPLICTION GUILT IMMEDIATELY! -

Ever stop and think "why do I need two testicles?" "This is a redundancy that I CANNOT TOLERATE ANY LONGER!"

Your problems are over. I now offer testicles to testicli augmentation procedures that will allow you to breath free and easy. End ' END THE TWO TESTICLE GUILT TRIP NOW!'

bikesgonewild said...

...huh ???...

wishiwasmerckx said...

So in jolly olde England, a "fanny-packer" is a good thing to be?

Anonymous said...

Kara Goucher is fuckin' HOT!!!

crosspalms said...

It's minimalist backpacking. "I went fanny-packing in Greece for a fortnight once. Had the time of my life." That sort of thing.

crosspalms said...

anon 5:00pm
Whoa, settle down -- don't spoil Steve Tilford's birthday with that kind of talk.

bikesgonewild said...

...breaking news - this just in...

..."local police are searching high & low for the man know as simple simon...mr simon allegedly stole a bicycle & several pies from a mr pieman whilst on the way to the fair"...

..."mr pieman told police that when mr simon asked to taste his wares, that he, mr pieman suggested he'd like monetary compensation in the form of a penny wherein mr simon allegedly became irate, shoving mr pie to the ground & procuring said bicycle & pies"...

..."simple simon was last seen riding away shouting - 'stuff THAT up yer piehole, you ol' git'...

..."stayed tuned for further developments on this story @ 11:00 on bsnycnews, your news leader"
...

Jaype said...

Technically it is not possible for a pelvis to be disembodied, since once that chunk was detached there wouldn't be a body to be separated from. Disintorsoed, yeah.

And that is no half-nackt anonymosity on that recumbo. That would be Bristol Palin wheelin' down from Cripple Creek to delivery my fully-loaded fanny pack.

crosspalms said...

Stinky Cheese Man taken in for questioning but later released for lack of evidence.

Meanwhile, four and twenty blackbirds reported missing.

I Go Around and Around said...

I have a proximity sensor on my genitals. When someone gets close enough, my eyes light up.

Justin HFX said...

I guess ricco is living up to his mantra, "I wake up, I dope, No problem"!

Fred McMan said...

Heeere`s Vaginae!

Anonymous said...

Here's a link to another bicycle delivery business. It's a laundry service that picks up and delivers by bicycle.
http://www.washcyclelaundry.com/

Anonymous said...

Yo Bike Snob,

Here's an article rthat appeared in today's San Francisco Chronicle. Might be some inspirational material for you. Especially the 6th paragraph in which the married cyclists reveal that they named their love child "Seven".

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/02/10/NST71HHV9K.DTL&type=living

Anonymous said...

Better article on the bike laundry service.
http://thecityfix.com/not-your-typical-greenwashing-wash-cycle-laundrys-bike-centric-business-model/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+thecityfix%2Fposts+%28TheCityFix%29

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
migueldemontaigne said...

http://shootingafly.blogspot.com/2011/02/marketing-101-pretentious-is-new-poetic.html

key words: pretentious, Portland, urban hipster, bicycle apparel

bikesgonewild said...

...this just in from the bsnycnews ticker...

..."...piemans bike found with blackberry fingerprint stains on handlebar...simple simon sought..."

..."new allegations by audubon society regarding disappearance of 4 + 20 blackbirds leveled at pieman...

..."'not me' warbled the pieman...

..."'my client is innocent !!!' chirped his lawyer, mr shylock..."someone is trying to ruffle our feathers, ummm, ahhh, figuratively speaking, of course"
...

...@crosspalms...seems you were right...

g-roc said...

"Dude! Your tape measure is playing indie!"
"Dude, it's a Skully Boom."
"Dude! Is that a pie in your basket?"
"Dude, that so better not be a euphemism."

Anonymous said...

Nude recumbents!
Panties!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Simple Simon has an accomplice: aspiring femme fatale and nude recumbent cyclist, Ms. Fanny Packer.

Deleted comment said...

This removal has been authored by the poster.

Jesse Smith said...

Here in AZ, fanny packs are the new holster.

Salty Seattle said...

Hey wow!

Kara Goucher is back!

Who knew...

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Sorry I'm late, but like this dude said he would like deliver pies by a bike and I was all like, "whoa that's so cool" and so I ordered a whole bunch of Christmas pies so I could like sit in a corner, stick in my thumb and do the whole pull out a plum thing with a totally unironic self-congratulatory exclamation of my inherent
goodness.

But the pie guy got a ticket for not wearing a helmet and bagged the delivery thing.

Bummer.

So now I'm all just like sititng around with nothing to do except thinking wouldn't it be like totally flipping weird if like Jack and Chris Horner were related?

I mean, like what would be the odds of that?

tom said...

"Jury rigged"? It looks like he put a basket on his bike and put a pie in the basket.

Atv Minibike said...

Mini bikes are fast gaining in recognition among journey junkies, worldwide. Initially it was started in Japan, thenit spread to Europe and rest of the world. These thrilling machines are also called 'mini-moto' and the racing part is called Mini GP Racing. A conducted dart observe is ideal for mini bike racing. You'd get the same thrill of using a sport bike, aside from the fact that they're much smaller in size.

bikesgonewild said...

...little chris horner,
...sat on a corner,
...after flatting in the criterium...
..."i called for a wheel,
...bruyneel said 'no deal'
...so here i sit on my bum"
...

SLAM said...

hello

Anonymous said...

Put that in your lumbar satchel and smoke it.

flavour? said...

TNYN PPLZ

ug.

Anonymous said...

I am from the UK (my middle name is Nigel), I can confirm that the word "fanny" is pretty much only ever used to describe female parts here.

Roger said...

Really it is so nice collections and goo topic.I like it. thanks for sharing.

seo europe

Anonymous said...

I am very happy to read this article..thanks for giving us this useful information. anti viral Read a useful article about tramadol tramadol

thewrongwizard said...

fanny packs are good for carrying pistols

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Anonymous said...

I would like to more know about it. asthma Read a useful article about tramadol tramadol

Fixie Bikes said...

That picture of the Hoff was unnecessary.