Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dunne Deal: Cog-spiracy Theory

In "curating" this blog, I generally endeavor to be humorous, but there is a time for laughter and then there is a time for whatever the opposite of laughter is. (It's a common misconception that crying is the opposite of laughter, but many scientists now believe its opposite is actually sneezing and farting at the same time.) This is one of those times. In fact, I'm sneezing and farting even as I type this, for I have recently uncovered a government conspiracy so insidious it makes the Kennedy assassination look like a half-assed game of three-card monty.

Submitted, the following article, which I recently noticed on the Urban Velo:

So what does this mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means the government plans to make cassettes prohibitively expensive in a diabolical attempt to force everybody to ride "fixies:"

"So why would they want to do that?," you ask. Well, to truly understand why you also have to understand the government--also known as "the Man," who will be played in this post by acclaimed actor Griffin Dunne:

Here's what we know:

FACT

Located in Washington, DC, the government consists of three branches: the legislative, executive, and judicial:

FACT

Of the "people" who comprise the three branches, the legislative and executive are all extraterrestrials, while the judicial are hyper-intelligent lizard people who hail from the lost continent of Atlantis:

(Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Antonin Scalia)

That last fact explains not only the so-called "scales" of justice, but also lends additional insight into the controversial "Mothra vs. Godzilla" decision of 1961.

FACT

The government hates bicycles, because they know that David Byrne holds the key to solving the world's energy crisis on which the extraterrestrials and the lizard people depend in order to keep humankind in their thrall, and also because he doesn't own a car:

("I own a car. No, just kidding, I really don't.")

Nice one, Mr. Byrne. You had me going there for a second.

So why would Griffin Dunne, in his best performance since he played Johnny Dangerously's kid brother in the 1984 comedy smash "Johnny Dangerously," want people to ride fixies instead of grown-up bikes with multiple gears? Well, by secretly fostering fixed-gear riding while outwardly condemning its thin veneer of rebellion, he/they/it will gradually eliminate us all through hillbombing "accidents" and alleycat "mishaps."

"Back in the day," if a government operative wanted to get rid of you, he'd sabotage your brakes. Now, the government's just brainwashing us all into not even installing the things in the first place.

Meanwhile, both here and abroad, the Forces of Fixiedom remain tragically oblivious to their fate. For example, a reader informs me that a London hipster has recently performed the world's most "epic" elephant trunk skid:


I guess this is what those fixed-gear freestylers mean when they talk about "progression."

By the way, if you look closely, you'll notice a rather nonplussed dog:

I'm assuming the owner has placed him there for scale.

By the way, if you've ever dreamed of owning your very own giant clown bike, now you can, for a number of readers have informed me that Crate and Barrel is now selling bicycles:


Not only that, but the "street-cred" comes standard:

Nothing says "street-cred" like "designed by republic bikes." Republic Bikes is to "street-cred" as "if it rains take the bus" is to "epic."

But as excited as I was by the clown bikes, I was even more excited by this sick-ass deal on galvanized planters in the DeLorean colorway:

I simply must "swoop" me some of those, yo. (In the world of hipster consumerism, when a company "drops" something it is your job to "swoop" it immediately.) Then, once they arrive, I will place a bunch of artisanal axes in them at jaunty angles, kind of like umbrellas. And speaking of axes, I recently noticed that the Best Made Douchery Factory has switched suppliers:

Previously, Best Made had been bedazzling a $50-ish dollar Snow & Neally Hudson Bay Camping Axe (I was informed of this by various readers--I know about as much about axes as I do about shrimp-sexing, which is to say nothing), but now they're using some company called Council Tools:

The Best Made American Felling Axe was designed in New York City
by Best Made Company, who worked hand-in-hand with Council Tools—a legendary fourth-generation American axe maker—to fabricate and revive the incomparable and quintessential American tool from the ground up, to our exact specifications. The polished high carbon American steel was selected by Best Made Company and drop forged by skilled Council Tool blacksmiths at their venerable forge on the shores of Lake Waccamaw, North Carolina. The pattern of the head is a traditional design known as the Dayton pattern, selected by Best Made because it is a time-tested icon of the American axe industry. The 35" Appalachian hickory helve was designed by Best Made and its slender, elegant properties insure that it will provide utmost efficiency and safety.

The Best Made fey hipser Axe of Idiocy apparently uses Council Tools's "Dayton pattern," and while you can also buy an axe in this pattern from Council Tools, the most you'll be able to pay for it is like $65:


It also won't be cursorily sanded by a gigantic douchebag:

"So what does this have to do with bikes?," you may be asking. Well, firstly, the Best Made CED (Chief Executive Douchebag) is an extraterrestrial. Secondly, Best Made's website now features cycling content, and it's only a matter of time before they "drop" some sort of cycling product or accessory for your "swooping" satisfaction. Here's how you ride the Best Made way:

So what is intuition exactly?

Intuition is a derivative of instinct, meaning it’s a natural state of behavior and requires no special training. Whether it can be improved upon is disputable, but often times—aside from the occasional light or dark beer dilemma—it remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life.

Yes, intuition "remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life"--assuming of course your everyday life is contrived, faux, overpriced, and bedazzled, like a Best Made axe. The rest of us rely on it daily, since it's quite helpful for mundane stuff like, oh, I dunno, riding your bike to work without getting killed.

But riding your bike to work is not the Best Made Way. The Best Made Way is taking stylized vacations from your stylized life, and using your intuition to find the optimum moment to buy a harmonica:

Following a hunch isn’t strictly reserved for dire circumstance. It can be tapped in situations as simple as making a quick pit stop at a small music shop to purchase a harmonica.

All You Haters Blow My Mouth Organ.

You won't find the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork stopping during his ride in order to buy a harmonica. Maybe--maybe--he'd consider buying a keytar, but that's as contrived as he's likely to get. By the way, another reader informs me that our friend can not only travel through time, but he can also change his "colorway" like a chameleon, as you can see in the advertisement below:


Not only is he now sporting a smart Performance catalog-esque jersey, but he's also willed his drivetrain onto the left-hand side of his bicycle:

A-meh-zing.

Indeed, so ubiquitous is our friend that I keep expecting him to get a Craigslist "missed connection." It hasn't happened yet, but I did think this one was noteworthy:


brown sweater getting burrito or maybe taco; glasses angular nose - w4m - 24 (williamsburg bedford ave)
Date: 2011-03-22, 9:57PM EDT

i rode my bike down bedford ave after work, taking in the scenery, and saw you, a HOT DUDE, hot enough to leave such an impression on a fleeting ride past the endless summer truck. you were wearing a brown sweater, had circular glasses (?), brown hair, an angular nose (see: subject line), and looked like how i imagined "COLLEGE T.A." types would look while in middle school. were you getting a taco? a burrito? a red jarrito? i will perhaps never know...

I think it's fairly obvious from the description who that "HOT DUDE" is:


In fact, I actually considered turning her in, since Craigslist now includes the following in their "missed connections" posts:

Please report suspected exploitation of minors to the appropriate authorities

But then I remembered that Harry Potter is like 35 now and can most likely fend for himself.

197 comments:

Jonathan P said...

FIRSTZZZ

ringcycles said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

loser

rfalso said...

"original" Ray's

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Dr. Feel Good said...

Top Ten. Meh.

Chris said...

you must read before you post.

Dan O said...

Top Ten! I hope...

mpetry912 said...

top 10!

Kyle said...

TEN. Food ready. Time to sit. Thanks Snob

Rai Dordai said...

Went to buy a new helmet for my Son before work today, they grow up so fast, and the bike shop had a line up. I was pretty excited because I thought the new "Kagoshima Langster" was out. I was wrong though and the owner of the shop ( chofukokuryo on twitter ) told me that, due to the huge walk home that most people undertook on the night of the earthquake, huge is over 20kms (6 miles), that they are buying bikes to get them 10kms (19 miles) closer to work. I am happy for the people that are biking now and really feel for the staff that stil hasn't had contact with their family.

3G said...

NAFTA LVR

Anonymous said...

I disagree - the government is clearly trying to protect markets for locally produced artisanal cassettes. Thanks for the tip - I'm going to start carving some right now.

hillbilly said...

what day comes after thursday?

Brian said...

For the love of Lob, I beg you to quit showing that David Byrne image. It creeps me out every single time!

BTW, All you haters suck my mouth organ is brilliant

Anonymous said...

I hate getting caught at the bottom of the Poggio. Still Top Twenty?

Enhancement Smoker said...

Council Tools was recently featured on one of the shows on the Science Channel ("How Do They Do It"? "How It's Made"? They all blur together).

So, it's obvious that the Best Made folks like to munch Cheetos while watching the boob tube...I'm SURE it's where they got the idea to switch suppliers.

le Correcteur said...

getting slower; top 20 today.

The Tashkent Terror said...

"CED (Chief Operating Douchebag)"

ITYM, "CED (Chief Executive Douchebag)"

Anonymous said...

Of course the small dog is nonplussed: it's not every day you get to see David Byrne 'drop' an elephants trunk skid in London.

grasshopper said...

...intuition...
...intuition?
...do you mean like being one with my hot dog?

Terre Haute Karl said...

Wouldn't the Chief Operating Douchebag be the COD rather than the CED? Or is he really the Chief Executive Douchebag?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Tashkent Terror and Terre Haute Karl,

You're right of course, I never made it past Vice Douchebag.

--RTMS

Mehl Gibson said...

Creepy and repetitive.

ringcycles said...

"Ask not for whom the free-wheel spins, it spins for thee."?

oh, sorry, that would be a Donne Deal.

Never mind

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Street Cred indeed from Crate and Barrel... If your Ronald McDonald.

Damn Flashbacks! said...

Those Nuovo Crazy Wheels are going to look really nice with some street crud on them.

Anonymous said...

ACK! I hate those Best-Made hipsters so much! Good thing I live far away from them, or I would swing from the gallows in no time!

Anonymous said...

$200 for an axe? I bought one recently; cost me £12, I think.

Head? Yes. Shaft? Right on... Can be used to chop wood? Yes. Why the huge price difference?

Just a thought regarding the time-travelling retro-Fred; is he going to end up like a cycling Flying Dutchman, condemned to pedalling for all eternity?

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

SNEZ FART

No Crates, No Barrels, Lotsa Dishes said...

Artisanal screwdrivers at Target, for fixing Target's Schwinn bikes.

Anonymous said...

Wow, those unpainted Best Made axes look like a bargain!

shu-sin said...

RTMS, those aren't crate'n'barrel CLOWN bikes, they called abuela and abuelo. have you forgotten your mexican? that means grandma & grandpa.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

sweatpants cyclist said...

Council Tools:

"Hard-working tools for hard-working professionals."

Best Made Company:

"Emasculated tools for emasculated hipsters"

Anonymous said...

I dropped on a council tools axe online-way, and the wood part of it was both twisted and curved badly. Inspect before buying: no online axe purchases for me ever agin with such a complicated instrument.

Dapper Dan said...

The Best Made Axe. For when you need to fop down a tree.

Anonymous said...

Cassette prices are going up because there is now a tax on being a whiney road bike gear whore.

All you need is one gear spandex boys.

When you live on the edge you become the edge and don't need to buy fancy axes.

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Can somebody smack Angry Dragon in the back of the head!

Anonymous said...

axes don't kill people, people kill people - new Best Made tagline?

Flatlander said...

Living in the wastelands of Canada, I always thought I was decades behind NYC's hipster kulture. But now it seems I must have accidentally fallen through one of the Tridorkian Retro-Fred's temporal disturbances since, while touring through Germany two years ago, I stepped into a small music shop in Passau and purchased a harmonica, not knowing a thing about how to play it. If this is true then I predict this backwoods americana trend that is staining NYC will eventually evolve into a nu-wheat farmer look. Invest heavily in John Deer accessories and cover-alls.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Meh. There goes another theory. Angry Dragon was funnier as a put-on.

Living on the edge of having his checks from Dad stop coming? Just barely surviving his own stupidity? What? What edge?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Snob, you have an amzingly acute douche-sense. You can reallly sniff 'em out. Griffin Dunne, for eample--how did you know he's such a douche? I crossed paths with him a couple of times and the guy's an A-list douche. Please be careful with him; he's got connections.

Fred said...

As I've pointed out in the past, all Freds have the ability to time travel. That's how our beards get so long and luxuriant. (You would not believe emollient technology from 2025.)
I'm going to use my ability to stock up on Dura-Ace cassettes from 2005, which I will re-sell to dentists at a huge profit when they finally put 5,000 miles on their
Serrottas in late 2015.
An extra 10% per cassette should give me enough walking around money to pick up a douche-axe or two.

Anonymous said...

I thought the Supreme Court was the legislative branch, not the executive. And, it's called a "snart".

Platte means flat said...

If you are a flatlander in the US, invest in John Deere and overalls. Or if collabos are your thing, here ya go:

http://tinyurl.com/6k2gzux

Anonymous said...

hilarious, made me snart. speaking of snarts, wouldn't it be ironically hilarious if the best made guy was violently hacked up by a dissatisfied customer using with one of his own axes.

g-roc said...

DNPADIMFB - Do not put any DeLoreans in my flower box.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Freds (and I am one, both old and slow), here's a little gem of an exchange between a couple of over 50s (extracted from a thread on 'Oversized Bottom Brackets' ... sounds rude to me). The image conjured up by the respondent's central simile is particularly vivid:

"It reads complicated, and to me it is, which is why I invest in a coach and spend my time riding and following directions."

"Me too. I'm trying to get my mind around the science and data, because that's just the kind of guy I am, but it truly is overwhelming. I've been gradually reading "Training and Racing with a Power Meter", which is the bible on the subject, digesting it slowly like a time-release protein powder. I'll finally be doing my threshold test a few weeks from now, when there is a break in my racing schedule.
56yo, riding a 2010 Gunnar Sport (68cm Custom)"

Retro-Fred could learn a thing or two from these boys.

Anonymous said...

Burt Reynolds is a wheelsucker.
It is refreshing to be surrounded by people that don't get it.

'It' isn't your mancave.
'It' is being a slayer.

-angry dragon

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

So what is it exactly that you "slay," tough guy?

Anonymous said...

Retro-fred and angry dragon.

Meeting at castle greyscull tonight 8pm sharp!

Don't bring He-man.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Did you possibly mean S-layer?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S-layer

Surface Layer seems appropriate.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:14, here is a preview.

http://tinyurl.com/4whuw72

Chazu said...

There is so much going on today: Original Star Trek imagery, hill people ("flatlanders"), erroneous acronyms, and an angry, self-loathing troll.

I'm looking forward to the television pilot.

If you change the David Byrne photo, use the one from inside the cover of his book instead. And no, I didn't read the book. My wife brought it home from the lye-berry, thinking that I'd like it because I like books and bikes, and I saw Stop Making Sense back in 1849 or whenever it was released. She returned it to its hidey-hole at the lye-berry, unmolested.

Hi David! Love the live SMS version of Life During Wartime.

crosspalms said...

"fop down a tree": Nice one, Dapper Dan.

If freewheels are exempt from the tariff, maybe we can recreate the great 10-speed boom of the 70s.

Anonymous said...

In response BR.
I slay my environment...what ever comes before me.
That is the way one slays.
I own my space and get real with simplicity.
I prefer to live like a warrior battling traffic and living on the edge.

I understand your jealousy. Probably got a wife nagging you while I am shagging number 99. Sorry dude.

-angry dragon

crosspalms said...

The way Scalia looks, I think he can be part of whatever branch of government he wants. Hell, he probably eats branches of government the way pandas eat bamboo.

Flatlander said...

I have found the holy grail of the upcoming nu-farmer style diktat:

http://tinyurl.com/4nww6ah

Agent 86 said...

I knew 99. 99 was a friend and colleague of mine. 99 would never have anything to do with a self-important douche like you.

Number 99 said...

It's OK, angry dragon, that happens to lots of guys. See you next week. Oh, and tell Eliot Spitzer he can come in now.

Anonymous said...

Angry Dragon you are totally making a fool out of yourself.
Stop while you are ahead.
BTW you should check the urban dictionary.
Your name is not that cool. Just sayin.

brighton velo said...

It looks like the CB2 bike is blessed with an off-side drivetrain as well. Interesting - is this a trend?

I am the 11 speed (for now) engine said...

As much as I suspect the executive branch is located in somebody pants, (Daly) the conspiracy goes much farther than this.

Who is the only maker of cassettes in America?

That is right it is owned by the evil overlord Serotta. His minions of dentists will be the only people with fully function gears, and will soon dominate all cyclocross (who really cares).

This proves his evil plan.

http://media.ford.com/article_print.cfm?article_id=31011

Be afraid, very, very afraid.

Anonymous said...

Maybe all you dentists should shave your knuckles before dropping them in peoples mouths?
Creepy!

To the anon posting castle greyscull. Thanks I will use that. I will leave He-man with the worked up road bikers.

-angry dragon

Steve said...

Left side drive, like on the cover of your book!

Number 3, just last week. said...

He has that stupid name tattooed on his forehead, from the night he passed out in front of the tattoo parlor. His "friends" are as sleazy as he is, poor schmuck.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Good grief! I think that doofus believes his own bullshit.

Howard Jarvis said...

As long as I get a tax credit on the deraileur, I could care less.

Anonymous said...

AD,

Here is the final nail in the coffin that will cause you to avoid this blog henceforth: BikeSnobNYC is married.

You are so much better than him.

Now move along.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Damnnnnn..I got that "Puff the Magic Dragon" song mashed up with the theme from "Get Smart" buzzing in my
head!

ringcycles said...

anon 1:39, I think he already has been smacked in the back of the head, too many times. Hence the nickname and his wit.

Burt, you understand how that happens, you were in "Deliverance". Poor angry dragon, his tonsils will never be the same.

Anonymous said...

"Designed by Republic bikes"
Built by slave labor in China.

Yellow tires? - Streat Cred - Meh

mikeweb said...

I miss Jolene. There, I said it.

Dapper Dan said...

Gee, thanks Marcel. That really is a mess, innit?

Speaking of awful mashups, you don't suppose that AD is one of Ev Bogue's clients, do you? It would explain a lot.

Anonymous said...

Does someone have a Howard Jones cassette they could pass on to Angry Dragon?

Anonymous said...

It amazes me that behaving perpetually like an adolescent is considered "manly" behavior. Or is it "dragonly"?

crosspalms said...

Did I mention I don't have a car?
I be pa-jammin, pa-jammin, pa-jammin wid David Byrne.

Never Knows Best said...

Mikeweb: I also miss Jolene. And Red and Ricky. And the good ol' days when CC had a blog devoted to beavers.

I feel old.

Anonymous said...

I lay down my own lines.
I understand if a few are jealous because you are trapped and I am hooking up all the time.
You can trade your many gears in for a single speed life.
You should probably take off the glasses and the spandex...that shit is gay dude!

-angry dragon

ints said...

While not disembodied, that "half-a-dog" must be friends or at the least acquaintances with Eric the Half-a-bee.

g-roc said...

Everyone stop picking on Anonymous/Angry Dragon. He's my hero. He rocks. I have full confidence that one day he'll learn where his name goes (hint: just above the anonymous radio button. You're still anonymous AD, so you can die with your dirty little secrets).

The rest of you should be ashamed for picking on trolls. They can't help themselves. In fact, just by writing this, I know that AD will crush me like the puny little insect that I am. (Please AD? Please crush me.)

Your biggest fan.

Anonymous said...

Dragon needs to be less angry. You don't battle traffic, you dance with it.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Hey Angry Dragon

How about you write a manifesto of your crock of shit opinions and tape them to bathroom stalls?

Puffy Peter Peckerpusher said...

There is something about this post that makes me want to sever at least one of my limbs with an artisanal ax, crawl to under a table, and quickly bleed to death.

Anonymous said...

Good idea anon 3:20

That is where I fucked your girlfriend and your friends girlfriends.

-angry dragon

Tex, who also misses Jolene said...

Heh heh. I remember my twenties. I had the world all figured out, too. It took me another ten years to realize I was completely full of shit. But then I wasn't a dick about it either, so I wonder if our angry troll will make it to adulthood even if he doesn't get killed out slaying traffic. Not that I care, really. That's an accomplishment, I suppose, Angry Troll. To make someone not care what happens to you. Congratulations.

CommieCanuck said...

McLaren and Specialized have created the fastest bike ever. To prove this, they finished 52nd last weekend in San Remo.

Marcel Da Chump said...

DD,
Yes and yes, the petulant vibe bears an uncanny similarity. You might be on to something.
Also, if I were up to "99", I'd be Happy Dragon! But there's still time, I suppose.

Beowulf said...

Suck it.

Anonymous said...

G-rock
Was that an invitation to mangroom?
I am leaving He-man to the roadies.

-angry dragon

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, rename the comments section to the Angry Dragon Cliche festival.

He has looked into the eyes of the cobra, he lays it on the line.

g-roc said...

^_^

Anonymous said...

I like to have non-gay sex with little guys in glasses who wear spandex. I will never bow down and get a Google account.

--Angry Dragon

Anonymous said...

I am not a little asian guy who cannot accept his homosexual tendencies. Fixies only love girls.

-angry dragon

CommieCanuck said...

Good idea anon 3:20

That is where I fucked your girlfriend and your friends, but mostly your friends.

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

The dutch rudder is not gay.

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes! Is angry dragon for real?
He seems like another looser hipster fixie douche with an inflated self being. Get a life boner!

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Strictly as an attention whore, AD is remarkably successful. I must admit I was not man enough to pass up the cheap shot and keep myself from picking on the mental defectives. I am sorry.

Good luck, AD. I think you will be needing it.

St. George said...

Suck it twice.

Anonymous said...

When you live on the edge you become the edge and play guitar in an increasingly crap band.

-angry dragon

Angry Dragon said...

Nor will I bow down and get a google account!

Anonymous said...

and I have more STDs than the rest of you pussies combined

-angry dragon

CommieCanuck said...

Burt Reynolds is a wheelsucker.

Yes, we all remember "Smokey and the Bandit."

Angry Dragon said...

My mom didn't love me. Can you tell?

Anonymous said...

i dont remember any smokey and bandit because im a yung stud and not a old fart

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck
Everybody wants a piece...guess I need to get an account to throw the bait in the right direction.

-angry dragon...not the poseurs

Angry Dragon said...

Look at me, now I'm angry dragon.

Angry Dragon said...

No, I am!

CommieCanuck said...

You should probably take off the glasses and the spandex...that shit is gay dude!

I can sorta understand the hate for spandex, but glasses? Was "looking into the eye of the cobra" your Lasik surgery?

Anonymous said...

No you looser, I'm the angry dragon

-angry dragon

see?

CommieCanuck said...

I can't see shit or spell "yung".

-angry dragon

The Ref said...

Technically, it is called Lycra. It is not "spandex".

Jizz Sneeze said...

Buncha wannabees.

Anonymous said...

You all have small penis and glasses! I am angry dragon!

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Angry Dragon, please look up the meaning of your name.

bikesgonewild said...

...i think 'angry dragon' (excellent avatar, dude !!!...snicker, snicker) bought himself a 'best made douchery factory' artesional shovel 'cuz he just keeps diggin' a deeper hole for himself...

Anonymous said...

(it means "jizz sneeze")

Anonymous said...

wait, hooking up is when you take the 10 dollars and go on your knees in the stall, right?

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Shit. It's a one, not a ten. I need glasses.

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

Gonna grab a diablo taco and a Dr Pepper
I fish taco for all you old spandex guys with erectile malfunctions..

-angry dragon of the real

bikesgonewild said...

...does anyone know how to fix an 8-track player ???...i can't listen to any of my cassettes...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Will the real Angry Dragon please stand up please stand up.

Jasper said...

After being amazed at how much of your blog content comes from the Urban Dictionary, I can't wait to go and look up 'shrimp-sexing' to see what combination of orifices and effluent it involves.
Numero deux - you should be super excited about this new axe if it really does have 'high carbon American steel' in it - you can be a Fred and a retro-Grouch in one fell swoop, as it were.
And really, if C&B want their bikes to have 'street-cred', why are they called 'abuelo'and 'abuela', which as has been pointed out means granny and grandpa. Now there's hip.

Hey angry dragon, get your own comments section and stop clogging up this one.

-angry dragon said...

I slay my environment. Or at least myself.

Anonymous said...

It is inspiring to see several angry dragons out there...thought I was the only one.
Maybe it is time to slay it in the streets and look the cobra in the eyes.
Never thought we could have an army.
But sorry dudes with glasses...no guarantees about sex in bathroom stalls, or that you can get it up.

The Castle Greyscull romp is coming soon.

-angry dragon...the real one

Dapper Dan said...

Jeebus. That is just sad.

Anonymous said...

My erectile malfunctioned and caused the Fukushima quake.

-angry dragon of the for reals

CommieCanuck said...

Does New York have a cobra problem or something? Can't the rats kill them?

botch casually said...

..er, they like, found Atlantis

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3766863.stm

(from the BBC, so its true!)

Anonymous said...

..does anyone know how to fix an 8-track player ???...i can't listen to any of my cassettes...

You no smart, you need to convert cassette to MP3 and slay the eye of the cobra taco and get it up.

-angry dragon, the real one laying it on the line

Anonymous said...

I think Number 99 @ 2:31 touched a nerve, so to speak. He he!

Anonymous said...

Okay, Snob, if I understand you correctly, you're saying the small plastic cases that contain spools of magnetic tape on which music or other kinds of sound or data have been recorded for low-quality analog playback, such as were popular in the 1980s and thought to be groovy by the urban hipsters of the day, are about to increase in price. AYHLTMMJT! (All you haters listen to my Michael Jackson tape!)

Anonymous said...

Back from the diablo taco and Dr Pepper.
So now let me explain looking into the eyes of the cobra...pretty simple, I am looking at myself.
Road wussies are thinking about the one eyed cobra that is in their hand...big difference.

Sorry roadies...if I could tell you how to grow a set you would spend your money on sea monkeys.

-angry dragon...the original

Tex said...

That means tapes will be 11 cents now at the Salvation Army? Damn.

Anonymous said...

You give away your stupidity constantly by assuming everyone here who can type in sentences is a "roadie." Fool.

Gabriel said...

can say for sure that here in Brazil...

1: best made than a fancy axe is a chainsaw, if you want to get trees down for this same price.

2: best made than a fancy axe is a hitman, if you want someone dead for half of this price.

Etherhuffer said...

I think Snobby had a little too much caffiene and sugar and did a Cornholio and is posting as Angry Dragon. He is usally a Happy Hydra but is now a little too wigged out. He will surely return to his calm and peaceful erudition

Playa from the Himalaya said...

Hey Angry Dragon,
This is how it works: look straight into her eyes and introduce yourself. If she tells you her name while maintaining eye-contact, you're at the plate, so to speak. A well-placed compliment, a witty remark will get you on the bases. Remain calm and exude an air of confidence. Let nature take its course. One more thing: wear dark pants--she won't notice the wet stains.

chop chop said...

these guys are generally a few bucks cheaper than best made. but they do have a few axes over $1000.

http://www.traditionalwoodworker.com/Wood-Axes-Knives/departments/525/

Anonymous said...

What's up with angry dragon.
Maybe you should get a life homeboy?
Maybe therapy?
Bathroom stall sex will give you crankrot.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Shu-sin, Abuela? Really? The very thought of riding grandma grosses me out.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Flatlander, harmonica music is one thing, but if you start to hear banjo music, you had better start peddling faster. It's an Appalacian thing, and you are Canadian, so I do not expect you to understand; just heed my advice.

BTW, you wouldn't happen to be related to Ned Beatty, would you?

Anonymous said...

Sorry playa
Sounds like you are a new age sensitive guy is still listening to Hello by Lionel Richie twice a day.

The way to rock it new style is to drink a PBR with a hot chick and by her two Yeugers. Then bathroom sex is easy.

I should be teaching classes to all these old roadies.

-angry dragon...still the one

-angry dragon said...

He's just bitter because he gave all this month's trust fund check and part of the last one to Ev Bogus. He still can't score with the babes and now he's too broke to pay for it so he comes on here with big talk that sounds like a retarded 13 year old's idea of what being cool is. Poor bastard can't post his shit on Bogus' site either. Man I hate that Ev Bogus.

Stupid fuck would shit his pants if he knew how many real cyclists who own fixies read BSNYC. Anyway, his childish trash talk sure is getting old. What a sorry twit.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey "angry dragon" (snicker, yet again)...

...son, as an "old roadie", i've not only '...been there, done than...', i could teach you tricks you couldn't imagine...that is a guarantee...

...but why waste my time on a sad, defensive little boy like you ???......

Playa from the Himalaya said...

Angry Dragon,
Sober Sex: A whole new world awaits.
But you're not ready, Grasshopper.

Anonymous said...

While I am not a logger (not that any logger I know carries an axe) I have lived and worked in a lot of rural locations in Northern B.C. and Alberta. I have also lived in houses that used a wood stove for heat. I can't imagine "Designed in New York city" being a selling point for an ax except for the supremely douchy. I can't imagine any one actually trying to "fell" a tree with an ax either (that is what chainsaws are for after all), but I guess I have spent to much time in the real world and not enough time in Williamsburg. $450 an ax? My Stihl costs less than that.

OBA said...

149

Pace Picante Sauce said...

New York City?!?

ken e. said...

151 !!! what's the hot button issue?

all you haters sand my axe!

Anonymous said...

Dammit! Now I can't think about anything else other than "shrimp-sexing".

Tex said...

Not only are we getting approximately the same number of women in here as some hipster with a tattoo that says "Cleveland Steamer," we have scared off all the Yehuda Moon blog posters and most of the iBobs.

Jolene is not the only one I miss.

Hot pocket said...

"-angry dragon...the original "

Ain't nothing original in there, boy.
I am Angry Dragon
etc, etc

bikesgonewild said...

...damn...i think we scared off little amigo dude or whatever his name is...

...prob'ly off seeing his shrink for those 'anger issues' or else daddy won't send the check...

...bet he'll be back though...we're in his blood like that watered down smack he shot once so he could be a part of 'the scene'...

...just sayin'...

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

I dunno, guys, I think I may have been right the, um, second time. I think some sly sonofabitch has punked us all again.

Well played, Sir. Anyone who can be so convincing as a two-bit angry dumbfuck should give Hollywood a shot. They are always looking for people who can pull off the part of a moron. It's harder than it looks.

Anonymous said...

I'm exploiting a minor right now! Top 155!

JDH said...

Best Made Embrocation.Dropped. Swooped.'Nuf said.

Anonymous said...

Angry Dragon = Ev Bogue

If (Angry Dragon = douche)
and (Ev Bogue = douche)
then (Angry Dragon = Ev Bogue)
or (douche = douche)

Anonymous said...

"Swoop"? I thought kids "comp"-ed "collabos" as they "dropped". Comp being from "comprar" and popularized by practitioners of regaeton/ hispanic rap. Just me?

Anonymous said...

You're all a bunch of stoopid poopy-heads! I'm telling mom!

-angry dragon ... for reals, you know what I'm sayin'? ayt?

Anonymous said...

Ah ... ah ... ah ... ch-pbpbpbppbpb.

Anyone have a tissue?

-Angry Dragon ... the original one and only greatest person alive in my own mind if I do say so myself and I do.

crosspalms said...

Holy shit! I leave the room to ride to the grocery and suddenly there's dragons flaming the curtains and chewing the carpets! This Harry Potter shit has gone too far. Expelliarmus!! Expelliarmus!!

Incentive Bastage said...

@Anon 6:53

Hmmmm...

Legend in his own mind?

Check


Not particularly well educated?

Check


Ignorant of urban slang but attracted to it as a prop?

Check check



Not so successful with the ladies?

Check


Full of vapid claptrap about living like a "warrior" and other such tripe?

Check


Not very knowledgeable about bikes, especially road bikes?

Check

And so on. Hmmmmmmm...

Anonymous said...

Best Made Douche' Bagge.

Anonymous said...

Anyone got any spare pussy?

Angry Dragon said...

Miss me?

- Angry Dragon ... fo shizzle

Test Tickle said...

damn, i was wondering why there were so many comments when i got to the bottom of snob's post. sorry fellow followers, i was late to the party. it looks like someone made a few enemies today...

SLAY BELL

balls.

Anonymous said...

Just finished laying down some lines warrior style.
Why do roadies always get their spandex panties in a bunch?
Chill out and get a real steed bro...it will liberate you.
Remember to wild west can be anywhere you want it to be.

-angry dragon...still the one

Anonymous said...

I'm Spartacus!

hey nonny mouse

Pay attention now said...

This is your brain on crack. Any questions?

crosspalms said...

Angry mope can't even type.

Daryl Dragon & Toni Tenille said...

Andy, son, we know you're Angry. Come home. Leave those good folks alone. O.k, we'll increase your allowance.

Anonymous said...

Ev, your girlfriend is homely.

Anonymous said...

"Just finished laying down some lines warrior style."

Charlie Sheen, is that you?!

Anonymous said...

A lullaby for Ev:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1BFLoHXZNk

Anonymous said...

I realize this is no longer the place to comment on BSNYC's posts, but a reference to "back in the day" without a link to a picture of the Dachshund of Time just doesn't feel right. Also, fey hipser?

Anonymous said...

Angry Dragon should look under the microscope.

You are a pansy bucko!

Take your cobra venom elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

Burt Reynolds gets the prize.

-angry dragon...not the fakers

Anonymous said...

The meeting at Castle Greyscull was killer. Fresh tuna and blazing a couple roadies.
Now back to Cobra command center.

-angry dragon...still the real

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Thanks, I guess, Jizz Noze. Being the first guy to bite both times takes the fun out of it, I must say.

You wouldn't happen to be from Ft. Myers, would you?

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

My dog: "I had to shoot my dragon yesterday."

Me: "Oh dear, was he mad?"

My dog: "Well, he did seem a little angry afterwards."

g-roc said...

If there's such a thing as a "war on cars" here's a traitor:

http://on.wsj.com/fkuBGk

brian said...

smug alert : "ReadyMade" magazine

Vegas said...

Doesn't everyone over the age of 10 know that dragons don't slay, they get slayed?

Goober said...

It doesn't seem to matter how much barbecue sauce you put on this one, it still tastes bitter. I think it had some kind of unhealthy diet or something.

Pink Lobster said...

Kinda freaked out by how reading ANYTHING on the Best Made website immediately makes me want to punch someone in the face.

Anonymous said...

I am the giver.
Not the receiver.

-angry dragon...yep, that one

Anonymous said...

You are one fucked up little wanker, that's what you are.

The Real 99 said...

Angry Dragon,

you told me when we got together that you were a "pitcher"....but all you do is catch and catch and catch.

Anonymous said...

Keep your tool clean with the Best Made axe cleaning kit, coming soon. I heard Pedro's will be coming out with the Best Made axe lube and it will be endorsed by Ron Jeremy. "Pedro's axe lube, when every stroke counts"

philip williamson said...

anon/angry d. 3:31:

I think that finishes with "...and now they HATE you."

RANTWICK said...

What the hell is going on with cycling Dutch couples travelling the world and "educating" everybody? Who do these Dutch couples think they are? Wait, maybe it is just one Dutch couple!

They started something bad once...

See?

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Good piece of investigative journalism.