Friday, October 7, 2011

BSNYC Friday Whatever You Call It!

Are you a sentient being? Do you like bikes? Do you either live in or else constantly fantasize about visiting the dazzlingly glamorous city of Philadelphia? Well, if you answered "Whuh...?" to any of these questions, then come visit the Philadelphia Bike Expo on October 29th and 30th!

Despite the fact that I'm not an artisan, or an activist, or even an alternative (well, I suppose I'm technically an alternative to the Melbourne Bike Snob), I'll be giving some sort of seminar-shaped thingy on that Saturday afternoon. Will this seminar be my thinly-veiled attempt to sell you a time-share in Boca Raton? Maybe. Will I endeavor to make it enjoyable? Certainly. Will the four people who actually bother to show only do so in order to pelt me with cheese steaks, which is otherwise known as a "Philadelphia standing ovation?" I hope not. Either way, you might as well come, because what else are you going to do in Philadelphia anyway, stand slack-jawed in front of the Liberty Bell?

By the way, I understand that the show is going to have something of a mountain bike theme, and a reader recently forwarded this image of what is clearly going to be the Mountain Bike Handlebar of the Future:

Now, maybe I'm just slow, but I think 25mph in this scenario is rather ambitious. In fact, from what I've seen out there, the speed at which a typical mountain bike dork goes "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" is somewhere in the mid-single digits. This means 25mph would be more than sufficient to melt the visor from his helmet and blow the goatee off his face. Then again, one explanation for the brisk pace could be the complete absence of brake levers. Apart from that, sure, I think there's tremendous potential in an off-road handlebar that looks eerily like a digital rectal thermometer.

Of course, the big question is: "Will the Philly Bike Expo have a Lycra fashion show?" I don't know, but even if they did they'd be hard-pressed to match the exuberance of this one at Eurobike which was forwarded to me by another reader:



That's nothing less than "flambullience" in motion.

And from the runway to the sidewalk, I was perusing my Tweeting account this morning where I came upon this article about the latest controversy in Williamsburg:


Basically, it's a "Yiddish yield sign:"

“There are some hard-core Hasidim in Williamsburg who think they still live in 19th-century Ukraine and they consider interaction between the sexes, in even the most casual, accidental manner to be licentious,” said bike shop owner Baruch Herzfeld. “They are enormous pains in the tuchis, and most people try to avoid conflict, so they often get their way.”

Doth your menstrual cup runneth over with rage? I know mine doth, and if nothing else this should offer some additional perspective on the old "Hipster vs. Hasidim" controversy. (Though in this case the controversy is self-contained among the Hasidim.) Meanwhile, not to be outdone, neighboring "hilpsters" posted signs in helvetica imploring the minimally-tattooed to move aside for their fellow "hilpsters" with full sleeves. As for whether a Hasidic man should yield to a fully-tattooed "hilpster" or vice versa, this is still a matter of some debate, though there are those who argue that in this situation it should ultimately come down to beard length.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll get the right of way on your next perambulation, and if you're wrong you'll see a compelling argument for nationwide mandatory bicycle registration.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always yield to common sense.


--Wildcat Rockmanstein





1) What kind of pants is this man wearing?

--Plus fours





2) This pie plate once belonged to which salmoning celebrity?

--Matthew Modine
--Jake Gyllenhaal
--Maggie Gyllenhall
--Pierce Brosnan






3) At today's exchange rate, how many American dollars (or "USA Fun Tickets") would it take you to become a Canadian millionaire?






4) According to the New York Times's "The Ethicist," what is the best course of action when a food delivery person locks his bike to yours?


5) In Paris, fixie riders use top tube baguettes.








6) What is this?

--An extreme magnification of the common cold virus
--A diagram of a sheep's ovaries
--A piece of art recently purchased for ₤3.2 million by sprinter Mark "The Man(x) Missile" Cavendish
--The US Cycling Monument: a sculptural celebration of the sport of cycling





(This menace has been around for awhile.)

7) The latest menace in Australia is:

--Canadians




***Special Grab-Bag-Of-Interchangeable-Quasi-Morbid-Band-Names-Themed Bonus Question***




Which is not the name of a band cited in a recent New Yorker essay on "black metal?"

--Liturgy


88 comments:

Rob said...

Hooray!!!!!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium, bitches!

Nogocyclist said...

The other "current" comment page for this blog.
The only question is why?

Jolene said...

Well now!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm so fat that I took second and third.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oops, second and fifth.

Anonymous said...

Fuck the quizz,
woohoo weedz

Anonymous said...

Hell yeah top ten!! Suck it Portland...

Anonymous said...

top ten? meh zoots

Labia Major Taylor said...

Upgrade points!

$10 prize!

Anonymous said...

top 10 baby!

cycyle

Rob said...

By the way, that monument is a spectacle of stupidity...

Anonymous said...

But there is no street in downtown Minneapolis named "Wall" to occupy........nevertheless......

Buy-cycle said...

Top 100? colonel tushfinger

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am no fashion critic, but vertical stripes are slimming, and horizontal stripes are, well, wrong.

I am no art critic, but the fact that that statuary abomination has raised only $15.00 in contributions speaks volumes about its artistic merit. It is evocative of something, and that something certainly bears no relationship to the sport of bicycle racing.

wishiwasmerckx said...

You may not have realized this, but the dancing guy with the white shorts and the shaved head in the fashion show video is none other than frequent commentator Bikesgonewild.

Those of you who live in the Bay area will undoubtedly recognize his dance crew.

Anonymous Coward said...

Perhaps the UCI should institute a grievance resolution policy for the riders that involves West Side Story-esque rumbles not dissimilar to the lycra fashion show, rather than have them swinging tires at each other.

Anonymous said...

25 mph? Wildcat Rock Machine called that right especially since the "movement artifacts" looked like they've been added in Photoshop.

Buffalo Bill said...

Odds of winning = 1:620,000
About the same as my chances for the podium.

OBA said...

Easy fast (or a fast easy, which is very different but more fun)!

Barrington Womble said...

Bible Punching Heavyweight Evangelistic Boxing Kangaroo

leroy said...

My dog drafted a fixed gear rider in skinny jeans on the Williamsburg Bridge and claims he hadn't seen that much crack since the time I took him to Philadelphia to see the Liberty Bell.

Hairy legged ingrate. He'll be lucky if I take him to a Taco Bell.

Ride safe all!

Anonymous said...

WTF

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQgAMkMmsfg&feature=fvwp&NR=1

crosspalms said...

I think the e-ink handlebar is the digital version of the gizmo at the end of your Thursday post. Stick your foot on the handlebar and it'll tell you your proper shoe size and width. Then it'll upload your shoe size to your Facebook page (yeah, it should be Footbook, but it's early days) and let you make a Kickstarter donation to a 65-foot-long stainless steel replica of that shoe called The Power of Cycling, The Glory of Man. Or something.

PawnShop said...

Top 100, bitches!

Anonymous said...

Unrelated to this post, but look what I found on reddit:

http://i.imgur.com/Z7KAY.jpg

sufferist said...

Top thirty, read the post and everything...

Anonymous said...

Think Snobby! You're going 12 mph down a hill, as fast as you have ever gone, when you hit a bump and fly off the bike landing face down. The bike lands on top of you. The handlebar punctures your kevlar reinforced lycra shorts at exactly the right spot and then..... you get a digital read-out on your electronic handlebar thermometer. Woo-hoo indeed.

Just saying,

cycle
(In the future, we will all be borg)

hillbilly said...

have the weekend good.

Anonymous said...

Bs-
Did you see this "home made" bike event in your backyard?
Sounds like someone likes "artisan bikes" as much as "artisan number plates".... This is just stupid

Thebottleride.blogspot.com

mikeweb said...

wiwm & Nogo,

Nice job!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, dropped and finished with the 4/5 35+ but I'm so Zoots who careses.

Eric Lowe said...

I have vivid memories of that commercial for some reason.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Until today, I thought the Hasidic women were avoiding me because of my good looks.


Enjoy the weekend.

no lights said...

Talibans in Wburg ???

SingleSpeedMark said...

anyone seen these sweet helments?

http://danielchangdesign.com/#1726460/Luxy-Vespa-Helmet

cyclotourist said...

MOME NTUM

MONU MENT

thad said...

Dear BSNYC,

I enjoy your blog immensely, and named a trail I built NOBR AKES in reference to it, but feel you are unqualified to comment on the mountain bike scene.
You live in NYC, perhaps one of the worst areas for trail riding in the country. Painting all mountain bikers with the poser/gaper brush that you see in the city, is like commenting on how lame the ski scene is because you went to Hunter Mountain, and stood around in line on the bunny hill with a bunch of goons in Giants starter jackets and blue jeans. Or like commenting on surfers being dorks, because you went to the Jersey Shore, and saw some dweeb boogie boarding. Cool mountain bikers live in areas that have terrain appropriate for it.

p.s. the guys riding my trail in that video are going ridiculously slow. The point of the trail is to stay OFF the brakes, and they can't get their fingers off them.

HASIDIM AND I CANNAE BELIEVE EM.

bikesgonewild said...

...yo, yo, s'up, wishiwasmerckx...

...you diggin' my moves, bro ???...me n' my crew 'dark wings of douche' be puttin' it down...

crosspalms said...

Does Best Made sell those poser/gaper brushes? How much are they?

JB said...

Dear thad,

"Lighten up, Francis."

Love, Uncool mtn. biker

skink said...

That monument is wack.

Jasper said...

For sure 25mph is like warp speed for MTBs, but what are the '35's on each side for - max speed? tyre pressure? heart rate? cadence? angle of incline? None of these seem likely...

I Go Around and Around said...

A bike shop owner is he, Baruch Herzfeld? Him I have to meet. Such a name he has!

Those trees will be dead in a year. Send the bill to אלהים!

PawnShop said...

JB:
It's scary.
My first thought upon reading thad's comment was, "lighten up, Thadcis".
Scroll down, and you beat me to it.

"I'll take 'Obscure Cultural Cross-References For Old People' for $400, Alex."

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

top 50 is pretty high for me.

thad said...

Meh, I am not too bent out of shape. I am not overweight, don't have a goatee or a tribal arm band, or ride a bike with way more travel than needed for the trails I ride.

BSNYC has a pretty salient grasp on road riders: you got your dentists on serrottas, your bearded sandal with socks recumbent riders, your Freds in primal wear with their jerseys tucked into their tighty whiteys, your commuter dweeb in neon safety vest and helmet mirrors, your dandy on the $8000 artinsal townie, the hipster fixie guy, etc. There is a rich diaspora of cycling characters on the road.

By comparison, there is one BSNYC character offroad. He is overweight, has a goatee, and a tribal armband, and rides a bike with too much travel for the easy trails he hangs out in the parking lot of. The end. The is no guy with a $5000 rigid SS, with creative facial hair, handlebars and wheel sizes. There is no grumpy, anti-social trail builder. There is no roadie on dirt, who walks his bike over any log. There is no trials geek. There is no Sam-I-am DH racer wannabe with color coordinated gloves, goggle strap, pajama suit, and bike. There is only one BSNYC mountain biker.

SingleSpeedMark said...

Thad-
Love it! I know all these people. My favourite: is the "grumpy anti-social trail builder", who is usually rather smug himself.

You start a mountain bike snob blog, and I'll read it too.

bikesgonewild said...

...dearest thadeus...

...here, by way of a peace offering, are several grains of salt...

...the next time you feel personally offended by a bsnyc/rtms/wcrm column, i'd suggest you "...take it with a grain of salt..."...

...i hope i've given you enough salt to get you through at least a weeks worth of coverage...

...please consider this to be a neighborly gesture from someone in the cycling community...

...you're welcome...

Actual Mountain Biker said...

Get over it, Thad. He makes fun of everybody.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The only time I did some real mountain biking ( in the hills around San Jose Ca.) I got whupped by those trails. And judging by that video, Thad, I respect your skills.
Good camera work and edting, by the way.
I bike messengered on a Maruishi lugged steel frame MTB until it was stolen. It rode and handled like a fast dream machine. That was over twenty years ago and I still miss that bike...
...think I'll have another whiskey.

thad said...

I don't have a problem with him making fun of mountain bikers. I just wish that he was more astute and creative in his characterizations. The only mountain biker character is the MTB equivalent of a Fred. There are a lot of other mountain bikers to make fun of!

In general, BSNYC only comments on scenes in which he is familiar. For instance, he frequently references obscure punk and hardcore acts from the NYC area. You never see him weighing in on hip hop scene, or bluegrass revival scene. I am of the opinion that he is as informed on the MTB world as he is on the bluegrass scene, and he would be funnier if he stuck to what he knows.

I just want to see a mtb joke that isn't about tribal tattoos and goatees!

thad said...

I did not film, edit, or ride in that video. I built the trail. The filming is pretty good, though the riders are taking slow sheep lines, and they didn't film some of the most dramatic features. Those guys are the MTB equivalent of the Cat 5 on a madone with full euro team kit.

It is the easiest trail I have built, and it was for my girlfriend to have something ride on the mountain I build on. I grew up the NYC area, and she is waaaaay better on a bike after one season of riding PNW trails than the majority of "mountain bikers" from the tri-state area.

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez...despite the postal costs, i'll send you more fucking salt...

...or maybe you could start your own blog & characterize anyone, anyway you like...

...pretty pissy, don't ya think, telling someone else how to write their blog because YOU don't agree with the scope of THEIR characterizations ???...

A rigid SS rider said...

Thad, you are right. Your girlfriend is easy. I enjoyed a ride, for which I thank you very much!

Uncle Siggy said...

Engin envy. Snob is not knowledgeable, therefore not worthy. Pretty obvious.

thad said...

Mountain biker going faster than 15 mph WOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Thad: We get it. You are far superior to the rest of us, even the snob himself. Thank you for showing us that. We're in your debt and won't forget it.







Now get the fuck over yourself.

Wanker MacDouche' said...

So if I were to do a number two in me plus fours then lay on a number one would I be wearing plus sevens?

Please let me know ASAP as me pants are starting to reek something awful..

Shite Face Boy said...

I'm a stranger to town and I need some advice.

Anyone know where I can cop a reasonably priced 'Hot Karl'.

Anonymous said...

Is "thad" really BSNYC in disguise and is pulling our collective puds??? Nah...

wp said...

Sorry 'bout that, my helper ferret Ricky let me sleep all day.

dang varmint!

cheers y'all

Southern DeathMetal III

wp said...

yes, 25 on the atb, at that angle/attitude on that there trail what it appears to be superimposed upon (and most other narrow singletrack worldeffingwide) is a ridiculous bit of fantasy.

but then fantasy is what they're selling us no?

yes all of 'em.

Recumbabe said...

you rang?

Here is Fantasy. XOXO

UrbanRidingTips said...

Those New south Welsh are a bunch of crackpots that bring shame on the great nation of New Zealand's Cauliflower ear. Sydney is crying out to be inundated by wave after wave of hand-curated explosive bikes.

And That Sandra sully is still a bit alright, isn't she.

Anonymous said...

Gotta agree with the motorized bike menace. Their gain in popularity in NYC has added another dimension of hostility to any bike lane. The doorings, pedestrians, parked vehicles of all kinds, salmon, swerving autos into them....now you get the speedy McLazies honking at you as they try to blaze around. Still salmoning as well.

NYC was safer for cycling before the lanes. 90% of them are poorly engineered and never enforced.

Anonymous said...

Uh, yeah, Hi Thad.
These things are what we, in the business, refer to as "jokes".
And they live in a faraway land called "satire".
And you can easily get to the land of "satire" on your coolerthanthough mtbing bike.
Just take the "go fuck yourself" superhighway.
Not surprisingly, the entrance ramp follows you wherever you go.

Throwaway_Bicycling said...

On the topic of dorktastic cockpits I think this deserves a special mention.

Jerry said...

I'm Dead and I'm Grateful

casey jones said...

I'm watching my speed.

bikesgonewild said...

...you know, casey, that notion just crossed my mind...

...just sayin'...

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Just changed the tires on my commuter with some NOS Bontragers that have been sitting in my garage a few years, (swap meet; $5 each) so I needed to brush out the cobwebs and whatnot from the inside and the sharp rubber edge sliced the skin over the joint of my thumb right where a bandage won't stick.

I hate when that happens.

The ANTI-Eddy Merckx said...

Just received me UCI ranking.

4,171,227,415th.

HEY! a guy just got wasted in Parma after being rear ended by a pasta delivery truck.

Make that 4,171,227,414th.

DUDE!

Matt said...

On the handlebar display, 25mph only lights up 2 segments of the bar graph next to it. If my reckoning is correct, the target speed is about 140mph. At what point do you progress from Woo Hoo to Jesus Christ to Oh Fuck?

No Purpose (Still Stuck in the Past) said...

Bike Video from Arabia

Just thought someone may enjoy this. It is way different from anything bicycle related I have seen before.

Stuck in the Past said...

My bad. Bad link.

Here try this: Bicycle Video from Arabia

Heather Angel said...

David Bowie has a song cslled
THE SECRET LIFE OF ARABIA
it was recorded in Berlin.
I just can't imagine
Bowie on a bicycle.
I've seen him several times
walking in the streets of Manhattan.
I'd like to see a t.v show
where celebreties alleycat race
for charity.

Duke of Douche' said...

And when i hold you
You'll be my dutchess
Dutchess of douche'
We'll walk through my douche'-dom
And a paradise we will share

Yes a-i oh i'm gonna love you
Oh oh nothing can stop me now
'cause i'm the duke of douche'
So yeah yeah yeah yeah

merv griffin said...

Alleycat Racing with the Stars!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

Anonymous said...

"Please let me know ASAP as me pants are starting to reek something awful.."

Get out, now! It's a bit J. Arthur in here!

hey nonny mouse

Belri said...

Allleycat Racing with the Stars!

That's must see t.v!

Jake Gyllenhall. Joseph Gordon Levitt, Kevin Bacon...

Paul Reubens!

Anonymous said...

Melbourne bike snob is literally the essence of 'Fred'

2wheeler said...

As an update to the study of full suspension Freds, today, I'm ashamed to admit, I hit woo-hoo speed on my MTB. I was travelling at 28 km/h, roughly equivalent to 25.5 US fun tickets.

Anonymous said...

the blog bores me. typing crabon instead of carbon. wow! how imaginative. the humor level is really simplistic.

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Fixie Bikes said...

That second picture looks like it's straight out of a videogame.