Friday, November 11, 2011

BSNYC Awww Yeah It's Friday Time To Cut Loose and Knit Something Uncharacteristically Colorful!

I don't believe in bicycle registration, or bicycle licensing, or bicycle inspections, or any of that gub'mint red tape. In fact, if'n I see any suit-wearing city-slicker politicians come onto my property to fiddle with my fixies I'll run 'em right off again with my blunderbuss. By the way, the gummint might call it moonshine, but I calls it "sustainably distilled artisanal liqueur," so unless you're either buying or working on a fawning New York Times "Style" section article about the ultra-hip Brooklyn "fakenbilly" phenomenon of which I am a part then I don't want no truck with you.

Nevertheless, there are certain situations in which I do think people's bicycles should be impounded. For example, this very morning, I was traveling in the bike lane (on my bike, not in my artisanal mule cart with a payload of turnips from the community garden) when a salmon turned the corner and started coming right at me. As he drew closer, I realized he was part of that strange breed of rider I call the "smoking roadie," in that he was wearing Lycra and riding a high-end bicycle while a lit cigarette dangled insouciantly from his lips. He was also listening to headphones. Frankly, I am of the opinion that if people are going to act like fixed-gear riders they should be treated accordingly, and therefore his road bike should be taken from him and he should be forced to make do with an overpriced brakeless MacaMashSF x Cinelli x [your lame brand here] "collabo" crapcycle until he learns his lesson.

I also think your bicycle should be confiscated if you raise a bunch of money on the "Kicking Starter" for a ride and then don't even finish it. For example, yesterday I mentioned NiCole "COLE" Robbins, who raised $775 in order to "investigate the question: what are the physical and psychological connections and processes between the daily activity of creating art while navigating uneven terrain north along the west coast on a bicycle" by riding from California to Alaska. Well, after all that she didn't even finish, and instead invoked the old "Sorry dear, I have a headache" excuse:

On July 1 - after arriving in Bellingham, WA, after 560 miles of riding in 11 days - my body decided it had had enough and I came down with one of the worst migraines I have ever experienced and hope never occurs again. It lasted 14 days and I learned in Alaska that my ride had ended in Bellingham. I spent several hours in urgent care and in the Emergency Room in Anchorage, Alaska. The diagnosis was a severe tension headache as a result of the tension in my right shoulder and side of the neck and dehydration.

Naturally I hate to see anybody come to harm, but at the same time this is exactly what comes of the "epic" binge-and-purge mindset so typical of American cycling. Instead of building up to these sorts of adventures and then undertaking them privately on our own dimes, we prefer to seek out sponsors, promote the ride online like a Hollywood blockbuster, and then document the crap out of it. Hence the eternal "zen" question: if a cyclist rides through the forest, and the ride is not videotaped, photographed, or uploaded to Strava, did it really happen?

As far as most of us are concerned, it did not.

Speaking of the Kicking Starter, this weekend the "cycling crossing" is coming to Staten Island, which means you still have a few hours to start a fundraising campaign to get yourself out to the "forgotten isle:"


It also means that if you're one of the many New Yorkers who have been like totally dying to try racing your fashionable new cyclocross bike, you'd better come up with some excuses and fast. Here are just a few:

--"My tubulars won't be dry in time."
--"My ironic singlespeeding costume got lost at the dry cleaners."
--"It's my Bard class reunion on Sunday, we're all supposed to bring an original lute composition, and I'm still working out the bridge."
--"My sustainably distilled artisanal liqueur facility was just raided by the NYPD."
--"I have major beef with the Wu Tang Clan and if I show my face on Staten Island I'm liable to get shot."

You're welcome.

And now, it's time for a quiz. As always:

STUDY the item;
THINK really hard and stuff;
CLICK on your answer;
DUCK if you value your life.

If you're right you'll be motivated to knit something uncharacteristically colorful, and if you're wrong you'll see how messengers unwind.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and comport yourself with contained exuberance.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) On his wedding night, we can safely assume that Alberto Contador "did the Macarena."



2) Campagnolo brought it's new electronic shifting system to market six years late because the original version:





3) "Let's get sustainable!" Used inner tubes make great:

--Saddlebags



4) Which of the following is not a feature found on the above bicycle, designed in 1881?





5) What is this person doing?






6) This man's name is:






7) These women are:




***Special Bonus Question-Themed Bonus Question From the Future!***




The bonus question was really hard. Did you get it right?

--Yes
--No


71 comments:

Anonymous Coward said...

Podium!!

Anonymous said...

Frist?

Anonymous said...

first!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 5 will do.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sorry about my flapping safty flag.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

sex?

Anonymous said...

Top 10?

pebes said...

top ten, bitches!

Kenny Banya said...

top ten maybe

Anonymous Coward said...

@Anon 12:25 -- you were indeed Frist.

shmaltz herring said...

Once again, thank you for putting a little Dogpaw in my day.

Anonymous said...

I HAVE A BONER!

CommieCanuck said...

I'll save the link to that macarena video next time I'm in Europe and dinner conversation turns to the lack of culture in America. I'll see your macarena, and raise you a Justin "Canadian Beaver" Beiber.
Then, I'm all in with Italian TV Variety shows.

Anonymous said...

FIST!

JB said...

...I learned in Alaska that my ride had ended in Bellingham.

Who said what now?

Anonymous Coward said...

@JB -- I think she means someone slipped her a roofie in Bellingham and she woke up in Alaska. If I was her I would be looking at the "nice couple" who agreed to be her sag wagon on her "solo ride".

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Now I know what I'm doing with all my old innertubes.

crosspalms said...

Jackpot!

Anonymous said...

I live in Bellingham. There is a ferry that goes to Anchorage here.

Best sex toy is a video camera. Pfft floggers. I have an open hand.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

mosey handmade said...

Another excellent week of hilarious posts, WCRM

Anonymous said...

i forgot P-Rod and young louis anderson were both in quicksilver.

your friend,

Cringe worthington

Marcel Da Chump said...

They sell beer on the Staten Island ferry!

g said...

Why, dear God, why, would you show that Arabesque video?

Anonymous said...

Dogpaw's glasses mirror! As if he could even see past is hair.

Anonymous said...

Wednesday weed weekend here is be!
ZOOTS

Jonny Dames Rio said...

SO "COLE" took a headache induced ferry ride to AK.
Fooken A lazy eh?

I hope someday she is getting turned down for a job because they web scoured and discovered her inability to prepare or more importantly not follow through.

These kickstarters are halpless.

Paul Bowen said...

What mosey said - been a brilliant week. Have a nice weekend WRM and everyone else.

Anonymous said...

2:01 -
"halpless"?
oh, I get it: helpless+hapless

TJ Eckleburg said...

YO! Soundgarden is back together dude.

cyclotourist said...

GREM LINS

Anonymous said...

CA to Alaska girl also had, BEFORE the headache, great sex:

6th paragraph of http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1381361501/ca-to-alaska-by-bicycle/posts/104257?ref=users:

"...and I built the most incredible intimate relationships.."

Etherhuffer said...

Couldn't finish the ride? Looks like all those fawning donors ain't gonna get a "happy ending" on this one.

Fork Raekwon said...

Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin ta truck wit.

Anonymous said...

Wu Tang Clan / Poon Tang Clan - they're all a bunch of pussies.

Anonymous said...

I think everyone knows the Bard Class Reunion isn't until late Spring.

Anonymous said...

blunderbuss. nice work snobbie

db said...

"It's my Bard class reunion on Sunday, we're all supposed to bring an original lute composition, and I'm still working out the bridge."

WINNER. Glad to have that one in my suitcase of rationalization.

yogisurf said...

Damn, missed one. Glad I missed Arabesque in the 80's.....

Buffalo Bill said...

I guess my ride this morning didn't happen.

Anonymous said...

"...my body decided it had had enough"....So NiCole "COLE" Robbins won't even take responsibility for calling it quits, she blames it on her body. What a complete package of a looser.

grog said...

Always good Mr Rock Machine
Loblessyou
RIDE GOOD

I am a confused engine said...

That bonus question was just mean, please in the future, just try to control yourself.

Thanks for the useful information on floggers, I bet that this the winter training regime for the Schleck brothers.

UberFred said...

I am looking for people to subsidize a mountain bike/camping trip to Fruita for my buddies and me. We will be raising awareness of binge drinking and GLBT issues. Anyone near our camp will see all the emty beer cans and realise what a bunch of drunks we are. Also, anybody within hearing distance will hear us call each other skirt wearing fags who ride like pussies and like nuts in their mouths. We'll also be raising awareness of the awesomeness of punk rock. I wonder if anybody on KickStarter will be willing to help.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Yesterday I learned that, in a pinch, the tape from a Brady labeler makes a darn good inner-tube patch. I was just hoping it would get me home, but 24 hrs. later it's still holding 85 psi.

shu-sin said...

WCRM, i gather from your encounter with the fake roadie that you did actually collide.
i'm happy for you... i wasn't lucky this morning... i was turning onto 3rd street, light green for me, and before i could blink, whammm!! head first into a giant nerd-salmon on a mountain bike. i flew off my bike and his didn't even lose momentum. i need to get me a smug-wagon!

shu-sin said...

i meant didn't collide.

Anonymous said...

I was spot-on until that arabesque horrorshow popped up.
If I was the manager, I think I might pull the blonde one aside and tell her to gather up her shit and security would show her out.
She's just phoning it in for chrissakes.

Floyd said...

Hey Nicole,

When am I going to get my donation back!

Juggalo Haiku said...

Ax Man neck tattoo
Magic all up in this bitch
Let's go huff some paint

Nathan said...

For the opposite of busy NYC take a look at my blog about biking in rural Cheshire, England, at
http://rideaday.wordpress.com/

Anonymous said...

Damn, Snob, you so funny! I'm gonna light up a cig, put Jimmy Buffet on the headphones, pretend I'm a roadie, drink wine, and catch up on back issues of Snobbery. Maybe next summer when I buy that acre in Maine, I'll stop off in the Big Ole Maggotty Apple and run into you in Central Park. Rock On!
P.S.: Panties!

Anonymous said...

Bacon!

Anonymous said...

Kevin!

JDH said...

53rd, Bitches! And I aced the quiz! Cuban cigars, here I come! And beer.

JDH said...

By the way, the next gal that wants me to donate to her kick-starter is gonna hafta gobble the goop.

Anonymous said...

Note that Nicole "Cole" failed to mail the promised postcards to her Kickstarter backers. Awesome.

She also apparently failed to do the research to find that prevailing winds on the coast blow to the south -- why most people ride from Alaska to CA, not the other way around.

leroy said...

Ride safe all!

Anonymous said...

Four hours down on buffalo bill its like being caught out in the rain without a cape..
to bad I couldnt make use of the Qucksilver portals that move you from one city to another as you pedal down the street...might have caught up...
last time I saw Nelson Vails he was hawking jerseys on a crit course..kinda like yardsale..



mr pissta out and ov

Anonymous said...

make that 6 hours down... did I make the time cut? Am I still in the tour de snob?

leroy said...

I was so totally going to dominate the S.I. cat 5 cyclocross race, but my dog drank my Belgian wheat beer, stole my bacon and reminded me that pommes frites don't agree with me.

I gave him my registration.

I've heard people say he's a mudder.

At least that's what it sounds like.

Ride safe all!

Unless of course you're riding on SI, hopped up on Belgian hops, stuffed with bacon and repeating pommes frites while racing a trash talking canine.

In that case, too late.

Ben Levy said...

Jeez. For the first time in ages I passed the Friday test. Got lucky on the first and last question but a win is a win!

Vitusdude said...

Nice con, Nicole.

11:11 on 11/11/11 and nothing happened said...

Anonymous @10:07 PM, you made the cut. The race to the Podium never ends on WCRM's site.

Don't believe me, it is still on from "back in the day".

Anonymous said...

Butt sex by a hundred horny Arabs. Worth it if we raise public awareness about bad things in the world.

Jonah Gibson said...

Screw the podium. 100% plus mega bonus. Times crossword next. Great week of posts.

Huff said...

I want to race the Tour de France,
but my body won't let me.

andria said...

Cool it quite awesome.
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Fixie Bikes said...

Kick starter has become a monster.