Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Titles: Useless Constructs of Western Literature

Happy New Year!



We're all going to die.


How do I know this? Well, it's not because I subscribe to that Mayan Calendar nonsense. According to the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar the world is going to end in December 2012, but I refuse to believe in any calendar that doesn't even include Arbor Day:


(Where the fuck is Arbor Day!?!)

Sure, they got Lincoln's Birthday right, but how am I supposed to entrust my doomsday predictions to a culture who couldn't even foresee the advent of America's preeminent tree-themed holiday? This is the sort of gross oversight that casts doubt over their entire chronology.

No, the reason I know we're all going to die is because while vacationing last week in an undisclosed location I uncovered another primitive calendar that is clearly more accurate. Firstly, it was made by the ancient Egyptians, who were to calendars what the Swiss are to watches, or what the Canadians are to maple syrup. Secondly, it has cute puppies on it, and any calendar with cute puppies on it is eminently trustworthy:

In this calendar, which I found while recovering from a blow to the taint (more on that later), the End of Days is clearly marked, and is slated for this coming Friday:

Any residual doubt is allayed by the fact that they also correctly predicted the exact date of the "Ragin' Cajuns" reality TV show premiere on the Discovery Channel. Here's how Discovery describes the show:

Discovery Channel’s brand new series RAGIN’ CAJUNS premiering on Tuesday, January 17th at 10pm ET/PT, takes a trip down the Mississippi deep into the Louisiana Bayou for the start of their 3-month long white shrimp season. It may sound like fun in the sun, but life in the bayou ain’t no day at the beach.

How could the Ancient Egyptians have even know there would be a Discovery Channel, much less a shrimping industry? The answer is that they couldn't--unless they were possessed of an uncanny ability to look into the future, which clearly they were. Either that, or the aliens who built the pyramids for them simply told them when the world was going to end (and when "Ragin' Cajuns" was going to premiere, though due to the post-Apocalyptic time slot this could very well be the most poorly-timed premiere in television history). In any case, live every moment like it's your last, because come Friday it's all over. However, you do have one last shot at redemption, because if you act now and give generously to the Lobster God that I worship then The Mighty Genderless Crustacean may see fit to spare you. Just send your soon-to-be worthless (or, if you're on the Euro, already worthless) life savings to this Paypal address, and I'll send you a fully-faired recumbent inside of which you can survive the End of Days:

Fire and brimstone are no match for neon green tiger print.

Speaking of mortality, The New Yorker recently included the following cartoon in its "caption contest:"




I'm already cringing pending the announcement of the finalists since I'm sure at least one of them will be "helment"-themed, and I refuse to acknowledge any winning caption unless it is this one:


Either way, it's good to see that the New Yorker is finally adding dead cyclists to its exalted canon of cartoon characters that sort of almost make you laugh but ultimately don't, right alongside cavemen, executives in boardrooms, and talking dogs.

Anyway, earlier I mentioned my vacation, and while I generally prefer not to molest people with the mundane details of my comings and goings, I'm going to do so anyway because this blog is ostensibly about bikes and I operated bicycles on my vacation in a manner that was enjoyable to me.

At this point you may be wondering, "What the hell does a bike blogger have to take a vacation from anyway?," and all I'll say to that is if you've never spent 19 minutes a day between naps typing scranus jokes while wearing yesterday's underpants then you'll never understand just how truly difficult a full-time blogging career can be. Also, it goes without saying that "full-time blogger" is a synonym for "utter douchebag," and as an utter douchebag I needed plenty of time to enjoy my two (2) custom-made bicycles

See, until I became a custom-made bicycle owner I thought that cycling was something that one could enjoy even on a stock bicycle. How wrong I was! As it turns out, you don't really understand cycling until someone (preferably with a booth at NAHBS) makes you a bicycle frame completely by hand. Granted, this does lead to some confusion, since to all outward appearances I and other custom bicycle owners still completely suck at riding bikes. However, what you need to understand is that when you easily pass me on a moderate incline or see me writhing on the side of a trail cradling my "pants yabbies" and howling in agony, what I'm actually doing is savoring a higher plane of cycling enjoyment the likes of which you couldn't possibly imagine.

In fact, I'm savoring it so intensely that I need to stop every few miles and rest:

When you look at this bike, it's amazing to think that somebody actually made it for me, since taking the time to make me a bike is like cooking a five-course meal for the dog.

As for where I went on my vacation, I wanted to go someplace where I could ride on pavement as well as on dirt. Also, I wanted to see cows occasionally, but I get nervous in most places that have cows because I'm deathly afraid of "rural folk." Plus, when I'm traveling with my family I like to be near a natural boundary of some kind--preferably an ocean--because it greatly reduces the possibility that we'll be sacked by visigoths. So I found a place that had both ocean and the occasional cow, as well as the sorts of gentle gradients over which even I can struggle:

You can't see them, but I fucking swear there were cows down there:

(The natural camouflage of the domesticated Bovinae allows them to blend seamlessly into the landscape.)

When I wasn't making "epic" Rapha faces on my custom road bike while looking out for cow sightings and struggling up gradients roughly the percentage of the fat content of skim milk, I was in the wilderness on my mountain bicycle putting pennies on the train tracks:

I suck at riding mountain bikes just as badly as I do at riding road bikes, but the manner in which this sucking manifests itself is completely different on both. On a road bike I suck for the simple reason that I'm extremely slow. On a mountain bike I suck because the forest confuses and disorients me, I get hopelessly lost in about nine minutes, and finally wind up sobbing in a comfy patch of something that inevitably turns out to be poison ivy.

This is another reason I appreciate being near large bodies of water, since they make it nearly impossible for an idiot like me to get lost. Usually in a place like this I'd have a snot bubble the size of a cue ball coming out of my nose as I pedaled frantically in search of anything remotely familiar and shouted at all the trees for looking exactly alike:

Though in this case I needn't have worried, since the trails were clearly marked:


But even if they hadn't been marked it wouldn't have mattered, since no matter which direction I chose I'd eventually wind up someplace like this:

See, even I'm smart enough to know to bear left.

The seaside location also offered various pleasing backdrops, from this:

To this:

To this:

And while not what one might call "technical," there was plenty to pose a challenge so a rider as sucky as I am. For example, sometimes the trees would be close together, and I'd clip one end of my epic-ly wide cockpit:

In fact, it was while attempting to pass through this very gap at high speed (well, high speed for me anyway) that I clipped the tree, veered off course, and sustained the aforementioned taintal injury. My only consolation is that, judging from the marks on the trees, I'm not the first person to have done this. Also, the pile of skeletons clutching their "pants yabbies" would further support this theory, though I suppose they may also have been victims of the Blair Witch.

In the end, it was a lovely excursion in that I was able to reconnect with my inner suckiness, and I will attempt not to lose sight of it again for the remaining three days of 2012.

134 comments:

Paul Bowen said...

1st in 2012?

Anonymous said...

Lob be praised!

DogShot said...

New Year Podium!

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Goatherd said...

Podium

JDH said...

Yes! Top Ten? At last! Where are my Virgins? Why is my l upside down?

Ironic in Pdx said...

top ten

JDH said...

Well it was when I wroate it.

Anonymous said...

WO WO the off season training working... the training wheels are very handy for those slick two handed texting moves I learned off seasonn



MR.Pissta

JDH said...

Oh, welcome back Snob. Now, to read.

Paul Bowen said...

And welcome back, hope you had a good break, testicular trauma aside.

mr. wookie said...

heres a good caption

"This must be Hell, as my artesian, titanium framed mount fixie has one piece iron cranks"

OBA said...

Welcome Back!

alex said...

mtn!

and welcome back.

Blog Drafter said...

Friday, huh? Gotta go get ready, praise LOB!

Jolene said...

Shoot! Us rural folk ain't so skeery. Unless o' course we're drunk. Then all bets are off.

Anonymous said...

Never mind where, what is Arbor day? Something to do with engineering?

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Yesterday's underpants?

Today's underpants.

What's the diff?

Anonymous said...

Is that cockpit made up of a titanium BROOMSTICK?

(he said "cock")


balls.

theEel said...

weed!

Anonymous said...

Oh shit TITE GAPZ!

Kenny Banya said...

Gold...etc...

Marcel Da Chump said...

A video would've been nice.

Rupert Murdoch said...

The world if ending Friday? No worries, I live in a safe neighborhood.

cachorrodemudanca said...

Hey, if your road bike is custom, why is the stem disproportionately long? Seems like you could have done with more top tube. Is that a bad fit, or are you just trying to "cancel out" one of those guys with a tiny stem and a foot and a half of spacers? Just asking.

yabber said...

epic connecticut

Anonymous said...

Ergon bikegrips are for wussies

Anonymous said...

Shoot, I live in Oakland and we have all those things. Also, loading cranes, a whole row of giant loading cranes. As a citizen of Oakland I am required by city charter to wear a t-shirt depicting the loading cranes every Sunday.

Anonymous said...

here´s something to help you in that caption contest:
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/12/27/us/record-gun-sales/?hpt=us_c1

Anonymous said...

Does the New Yorker allow us to vote on the cartoon caption contest? If so we should all go there and vote.

Anonymous said...

T-shirts like this one:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3102/2555723168_d27dc83901.jpg

hillbilly said...

welcome back, looks like fun

grog said...

glad you're back.
glad you had fun.
get back to douche work.

Anonymous said...

they say i always bring up the rear.

welcome back, snob!

Anonymous said...

Where's Jeebus in all this?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cachorrodemudanca,

The top tube and stem lengths are exactly the way I know I like them after various bikes and years of riding, and it's a perfectly common stem length. Plus, I can always switch to a shorter stem down the line as my ever-growing midriff takes my reach away, which you can't do with a top tube.

--Wildcat Girth Machine

Confused Hipster said...

Aw, crap. I thought "custom" meant made just for you so you can look exactly like everyone else. WTF?

InMN said...

Montauk.

Anonymous said...

I just bought a couple 'custom' stickers.

Buffalo Bill said...

So, the end is nigh?

Anonymous said...

The snub replied...
Cachorrodemudanca,

The top tube and stem lengths are exactly the way I know I like them after various bikes and years of riding, and it's a perfectly common stem length. Plus, I can always switch to a shorter stem down the line as my ever-growing midriff takes my reach away, which you can't do with a top tube.

--Wildcat Girth Machine

Or in other words...

Eat Me.

Anonymous said...

Snob:
Guess the vacation location...Entry:

Martha's Vineyard?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Can we work out some kind of deal? -I only need the green windsock thingy.

Brian said...

Since the end is nigh, do we all need to make a pilgrimage?
http://skreened.com/ezrascloset/lob-city-clippers-shirt-l-a-clippers-shirt

Buy-cycle said...

Well, it was good while it lasted. I'm definitely condemned to spend an eternity in hell come Friday, or whatever the lob equivalent is. I wanked on a crustacean when I was 15...

cachorrodemudanca said...

"The top tube and stem lengths are exactly the way I know I like them after various bikes and years of riding, and it's a perfectly common stem length. Plus, I can always switch to a shorter stem down the line as my ever-growing midriff takes my reach away, which you can't do with a top tube.

--Wildcat Girth Machine"

Fair enough. It's your effing bike, and it should be designed as you see fit. Enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

really depressing east coast sapling forest with gray indirect lighting. sorry.

Anonymous said...

anon 1:05... We like it that way.

Mcfly said...

I, also, and grabbing my balls, but for an entire other set of reasons.

Mcfly said...

*am grabbing

Nogocyclist said...

Speaking of Bovinae, I have ridden my bike through Bovina several times.

It is one of those towns that has seen better days. It only has a convenient store, a propane gas place, a big Church, and a few businesses only the people who work there know what they are.

Most memorial part of one of the rides though that area was once when I passed a car wash on the edge of town a teenager in a small pickup yelled at me "You got to be crazy to do that."

I did not know if he was referring to me riding the road that at that point has some major grades for this area, or if he was referring to riding a bike at all. I didn't care, I took his comment as a major complement.

Caption Winner said...

"Hey Daddy, teacher says everytime a mis-shift grinds that some cherbic cyclist gets a hovering pie plate of righteousness." That's right ZuZu.

Mcfly said...

*cherubic...dammit

Anonymous said...

Don't think there are trains in martha's vineyard! Who goes north to bike ride in winter? Maryland?

Anonymous said...

According to some of the younger crowd, the "taint" is the "booch."

Your taintal crash may or may not compare to this video, pulled from Tosh.0.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMP7wzMW4_s

Anonymous said...

Of course there's a train on Martha's Vineyard.
It leaves Boston every hour, on the hour.
Be sure to roll your pants up.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, RTMS, WCGM

Is the flux capacitor hidden in the saddle bag on the Ritte?

crosspalms said...

As an executive who rides his custom talking dog around the boardroom Cat 6-ing the caveman, I find your dismissive remarks about New Yorker cartoons confusing. But welcome back and Happy New Year anyway.

streepo said...

Jessica Ennis is hot!

Anonymous said...

Is Lob a 1 percenter? If the world ends Friday then THE MAN gets to keep the fruits of my labor for, like, eternity...cuz I get paid on Friday man, bummer. Lob's culluding with THE MAN, man.

o caption my caption said...

All my life I wanted to play the harp and now that I'm dead they give me a fucking bicycle?

Grump said...

Snobby, you forgot to take into account the Julian/Gregorian calendar change. Those "Jippo's" would have been using the Julian calendar. Since they lost 11 days in the changeover, the world won't come to an end until Jan. 17th. You have more than enough time to order those parts from Bike Nashbar.

mikeweb said...

Caption quiz:

"I hear in hell they have to ride _______ ."

a.) recumbents

b.) non-custom bikes

c.) with habanero chamois cream

d.) naked

new yawker caption said...

Tell me when the Bike Snob gets here.

TJ Eckleburg said...

That's the Aztec Calender Snobby, common mistake, everyone is using it. Welcome back. Cold here in NYC.

Semi Custom Bike Guy said...

Thank LOB you are back.
Lunch is good again at least for sucking on the normal level of sucky work days.
Never can be to careful when Visigoths are aboot.

Fucken L8r WCRM.

Caption Kirk said...

Fixed-gear? I never made it past training wheels!

lazyguy said...

Good blog actually. Better than usual. I see you've saved the good stuff for the end of the world?

Anonymous said...

It seems that Zubaz have "re-tooled" their factory and are now making custom recumbent fairings. What was that about the impending apocalypse?

Bresson said...

Lyrical bike photography.

dacmo said...

That smiley face goes with the end of the world, it can only get better.

yogisurf said...

Welcome back WRM. My money is on the way. Good looking riding area, not over tracked. Praise the Lob.

Anonymous said...

wild cat dude machine, i bet that's the first time you've been accused of having too long a stem.

bikesgonewild said...

...crustacean vacation location translation...

...the clue is in the mention of 'arbor day'...hockey coach al arbour (canadiana spelling) won lord stanley's cup in '80, '81, '82 & '83 with - wait for it - the new york islanders...

...ergo, could there be any doubt that the ritte got rode over new york's long island roads & the taint got terribly tumultuated whilst 'the little engin that could' was single speededly negotiating the trees n' trails of same said long island ???...

...i think not...

...but then again, i don't own a mayan calender...

Anonymous said...

capshun

"sweet fixie bro, did you pick that up at walmarts end of the world sale?"

PawnShop said...

I hope you didn't damage your grips, etc. on those trees!
Taint heals for free - hanglebars & break levers cost money.

mikeweb said...

WCRM,

If you're afraid of "rural folk" and think about watching 'Winter's Bone' when browsing through your Netflix on demand, I suggest you give it a pass. You won't want to leave the 5 boroughs for a while.

Sort of reminded me of where I grew up.

Twice hit, still alive said...

Good caption Wildcat. Mine was,

"Woman driving an Escalade while talking on her cellphone... You?"

I'll take "Gay Head" for $500, Alex. said...

There's no railway on The Vin-yid. Maybe Montauk.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

If the world ends before "Ragin' Cajuns" airs, I call call that a win.

Anonymous said...

I'm the douche who thought it was the Vineyard. I could have sworn I saw a railway there when I was a grad student...

except on second thought maybe it was the acid...

Salty and Sore said...

My new year's predictions (since it'll all end in a few days, how can I go wrong?!)

-Jambalaya will be the official food of the remaining days of 2012.

-Andouille Sausage is the new bacon.

-And Malcolm Gladwell will be the next winner of the Tour de France.

Anonymous said...

Any comment on the Foffa brand of fixies coming out of the Dutch import site "and dutch"? Besides their obviously hideous colourways and Hi-larious name... or maybe just those things?
http://www.anddutch.com/index.php/bicycles/fixed-gear.html

Anonymous said...

foffafoffafoffafoffa...

bikesgonewild said...

...alex...if you can't get 'gay-head' for less than $500.00 in nyc or even montauk for that matter, perhaps you should lower your standards...

...just sayin'...

...& s & s ???...i'm thinking (blink) i'll win the goddamn 'tour de france' before malcolm gladwell will...

...also just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

My dog fluffer gets excited when I reach for the peanut butter jar.

Anonymous said...

Ergons are design by Playtex.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered a custom crocodile saddle?

crosspalms said...

Gladwell's too late. Knowing that the world would soon end, Bret time-traveled and won this year's AND next year's TdF, and even had time to watch the Ragin Cajuns premiere on the way back. He wants to know how S&S knew about the andouille sausage.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:39, odd that you would bring that up, seeing as where I got a new carbon-fiber flux capacitor for my Delorean for Christmas.

Dooth said...

The stem length is your business.
No judgements here.

It's just a tweensy, lil'bit out
of proportion. But that's o.k.

But the grips on that Engin
have got to go.

Please...I'm on my knees...
I'm begging you to change them.

mark said...

the tiger recumbent rider is using a moto helmet not b/c of the speeds he is sure to attain but to hide his identity...

mark said...

the tiger recumbent rider is using a moto helmet not b/c of the speeds he is sure to attain but to hide his identity...

Robert Woudenberg said...

It the hamptons or at least the lower fork of LI somehwere right?

Cogsin said...

No deep stuff today. Not counting the doomsday forecast.

leroy said...

My dog says he feels like Anubis when I draft.

Nothing worse than a sarcastic dog with a working knowledge of Egyptian mythology.

Note to self: don't tell dog to go to Hell. He has a snappy comeback.

Seattle Is For Suckers said...

caption: "ride to work day sucks"
-and the arbor day inscription is the 47th node counterclockwise, douche.

Anonymous said...

The caption for the cartoon could read "Well, at least we didn't get a ticket..."

Mtb snob said...

Ergon grips are fine on a city or a trekking bike, but they have nothing to do on a mtb, especially such a fine custom one.
It´s like, say, installing a suspended seat post on a crabon road bike... Just don´t do it.

Mtb snob said...

oh, and while i´m here... 100th!!

yofilly said...

Snob,

Do you giggle the entire time you are taking pictures? I think I would. Looks like a lovely way to spend a vacation/end of days.

Woody Allen said...

"These Hovering Pie Plates of Righteousness are making me thirsty!!!"

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mtb snob,

That's a silly thing to say.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

I don't know, in my persusal of mtn bike porn, I see plenty of "Ergon" type grips on rigids/SSs. Personally I don't use anything but ODI Mushroom grips, because I'm a hard ass.

Mtb snob said...

dear fellow mtbers, please rise to help me have these slick-tired, huddled Fred masses to get a grip

Anonymous said...

I didn't have any problem tolerating a little extra stem length, but the cockpit on that MTB is spot on for a calorie burner around the cul-de-sac. i.e. plenty of gut space riding in chopper position, and the Lazy-boy of grips to not callus soft hands. I do believe my smugness idol has shown his soft underbelly.

Panties! said...

What makes you think those cyclists are dead? They're obviously just standing inside a giant marshmallow, which is why they don't need HELL-mets.

S belong Z said...

VIZY GOTH

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Somebody needs to tell all those endurance racers they are using fredgrips. Or somebody needs a clue. One or the other.

Anonymous said...

Panties!
Not to worry, we rural folk are as afraid of you as you are of us. Or more so. I mean, we may have cows, but you have gangbangers, crackhouses, and Rudy Giuliani. Which is scarier?

JB said...

"Your grips are softer than mine. Therefore, you are obviously a pussy/Fred/poseur."

I use porcupine pelts for grips. [guttural grunting]

don the cyclist said...

cows in oklahoma will chase you.they think you are going to feed them is what i was told,not that they caught me...

Vosper said...

Sweet lines on that mtb...until those grips---UGH!

Mcfly said...

MOREHOVERINGPIEPLATESOFRIGHTEOUSNESSORIMAFUCKINKILLYA!!!

JB said...

Ok, so what are some blog commenter approved mtn bike grips?

Anonymous said...

@ JB

thin grips, thick palm padded gloves.

This whole thing should be taken with humour, since it´s only stupid (if you take it seriously) or funny (if you take it easy) mtb "etiquette", just like when Snob a couple of years ago (when he was still anonymous) wrote about pie plates, glasses over or under the straps, etc etc..

Gee guys, ease up

Anonymous said...

I disagree with easing up. Our snob is on top of the smugness pedestal and his cockpit is the mutt offspring of a huffy, hard core ss, and beach cruiser three way. My world is shattered!

Anonymous said...

Tilford doesn't take vacations and he's not even a pro blogger. He's also faster than BSNYC.

Bike Snob Punkin Center said...

But what kind of grips does Tilford use? That's the important thing.

Silly stem pickers said...

You guys are crazy.
Bike Snob can't be out snobbed.
The WCRM don't care.

Now go back to your long top tubes are the only top tubes for custom MTB bikes non-logic.

Anonymous said...

Tilford does vacation, for sure is faster than the snob, and is not a pro blogger. Tilford has several bikes all with different grips, however none of them make his cockpit look like he is riding a airborne basset hound.

Anonymous said...

Ritte rig + specialized saddle bag... Big S is going to sue your booch off for not affixing their gear to a VenGe!!

Anonymous said...

An expedition to the South Pole is called Blue Peter and you didn't even notice???

Anonymous said...

bikesnob is a dick

Anonymous said...

Well, I just read your post on the Mayan Calendar thing!! First of all I get your joke and all........well after thinking about it I don't get it. Secondly, that is not the Mayan calendar, if you are going to post something make sure it is what you say it is otherwise don't post it. As a matter of fact is not even the Aztec calendar is an altar. I am not going to do your work for you, but I am going to tell you that you are wrong in assuming that, that is the calendar. Don't be lazy and do your research!!!! Let me give you a few hints, so that you don't say that I am talking shit.........."Haab Calendar"!!!
Type that......... come on Bike Snob do your job!!!!

Felix

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the2girlsteachsex.com said...

I love that smiley picture indeed.

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http://the2girlsteachsex.com/shawna-lenee/

Fixie Bikes said...

"We're all going to die."

Whateves

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