Monday, April 22, 2013

BSNYC Field Trip: My Blogger Went To Washington, DC and All I Got Was This Stupid Government!

So the New York City bike share system hasn't even launched yet and already the stations are being vandalized--not by aspiring young gangsters, but by yuppie gentrifiers:


Their objection is that the Citibank advertisement on the kiosk is not in keeping with their historic landmarked streets, an objection they raised last year despite the fact that they're more than happy to park their anachronistic Subarus and Volvos all over the fucking place.  Well, not having gotten their way, they've simply resorted to vandalism like the petulant children they are.  This is a shrewd move, because now instead of looking anachronistic the stations look just plain shitty.

This sort of behavior is typical of the New Brooklyn Douchery.  If they're so hell-bent on maintaining the illusion that they live in an earlier, quainter century then they should move to an actual small town and join the Amish.  Or, if they really don't want to leave their beloved Brooklyn, they can join their neighbors the Hasidim.  Now they know how to keep bikes out of their neighborhoods, along with pretty much everything else.

But no, the real problem here is that when these people go out for an expensive dinner at a quasi-rustic restaurant that opened six months ago and then walk back to their $3 million brownstones they don't want anything interfering with their charming gas-lamps-and-wainscoting fantasy--apart from the brand-new Outback parked out front, and the soft glow of real estate porn from their iPads.  I mean, come on, everybody knows they didn't have banks in the 19th century.

Maybe the DOT should accomodate them by giving them their own period-correct bike share system, complete with pennyfarthings and advertisements for snake oils and brain tonics.  They could be staffed by an old-timey barker who keeps them awake long into the night.  "Velocipede share!  Get your velocipede share, here!  Step right up, folks!"  Finally, the DOT would complete the illusion by sending a horse manure spreader down the street every couple of days.

Maybe that would shut them up.

Anyway, moving on, they may call Florida "America's Wang," but as far as I'm concerned Washington, DC's got our wang right here:


(The flags are the pubes.)

Note the scaffolding, which gives it kind of a "doggie boner" vibe.

Yes, the reason I was able to take a crooked picture of the Warshington Monument is that I was in Warshington, DC this past weekend flogging my new book, "Bike Snob Arboad."  I rode all the way there, too.  All the way from Maryland, that is:


Well, all the way from a part of Maryland that was about four feet from Washington, DC.  

Once in DC, I followed my number one rule of riding in city traffic, which is "Never get in an argument with anyone who's a jiu-jitsu instructor:"


One minute you're shouting, "Get outta the bike lane!," and the next minute, "estrangulamiento:"



Is it me, or does this form of fighting seem oddly consensual?  

Anyway, the driver of the jiu-jitsu mobile was driving perfectly responsibly, but I was careful to keep away nevertheless.

[By the way, just in case you are ever attacked by a jiu-jitsu instructor, the best defense is to slip away while he's slowly disrobing and coating himself with body oil.]

Speaking of molestation, next I saw a couple of Mormon thugs trying to convert a neighborhood youth:


I suspect that either the victim incapacitated them with some jiu-jitsu moves, or else the missionaries went back to their room and simply did some jiu-jitsu with each other.

Then, I was brutally "shoaled:"


"If only a comic book superhero would come to my rescue!," I cried--and then, incredibly, my wish was granted:


"I'll be right with you as soon as I'm finished urinating," said the Silver Surfer, after which he, the Incredible Hulk, and the Intergalactic Sex Nurse incapacitated the shoalers with some jiu-jitsu "estrangulamiento."

Leaving everybody to groan and writhe the night away in the street, I finally arrived at BicycleSPACE, in front of which was parked this old-timey truck, which I like to think belonged to the evening's musical entertainment, the Sligo Creep Stompers:


In today's Brooklyn people will pay you good money just to park a vehicle like that in front of their brownstones.

Inside, BicycleSPACE was full to bursting with finery from Brooks:


As well as this BikeSnobNYC merchandising Diorama of Douche:


Though the rabble were still waiting outside:


Occasionally, I'd poke my head outside and mock them:


By the way, I actually own this jacket, and I'm extremely fond of it:


Though it wasn't until I saw it on a dress form that I realized it must make me look like a Popinjay Paratrooper being air-dropped into the Republic of Fopistan.

Turning to the wall, I stood mesmerized by the British leather goods:


And then, fortifying myself with free Hedrick's gin punch, turned again to mingle with the Washington, DC power brokers:


Yes, every single person in this picture is a lobbyist for the gun industry:


After high-fiving the lobbyists for their successful congressional cockblocking I excused myself:


And then adjourned to the theater area:


Where I prepared to bore the tweed pants off a group of people drunk on gin and "roots music" with my multimedia presentation:


Sure, it's no IMAX movie, but I think I did pretty well with a production budget of only $35,000:


One day I'd like to do it in 3D, because some of the images would really "pop" that way:


(Pop!)

Soon, I Unleashed the Boredom:


After which people looked at me disgustedly:



In fact, they told me exactly where I could stick my presentation, and so the next day I took them literally by going on a voyage to Uranus:


Nevertheless, many thanks to all who attended, and to BicycleSPACE and Brooks for letting me be part of it.

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys… ATTACK!!!

Anonymous said...

I love you wildcat!

mikeweb said...

What about a Diarrhea of douche? Oh wait, that would be the ass monkeys attacker..

Kari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ChamoisJuice said...

PHALLIC SYMBOL!

Kari said...

Can't wait until the BSNYC 3D Movie Full Fred strava-ganza...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten, and not by proxy this time...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dingo stole your bikey!

Anonymous said...

OMG top 10 ! Who crashed back there?

mikeweb said...

So, who's the photo bomber of that poor Surly Steamroller?

Comment deleted said...

Another day, another defilement by ass monkeys.

Paul Bowen said...

Dropped chain, honest.

Marcel Da Chump said...

D.C Comics.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

from the looks of the attendees, one would conclude that protland is more diverse than washtington, DC.

or is it that you, snob, have a mating call that only the fair of skin can hear?

mikeweb said...

That bike shop looks great, but I have to say, there's so much Brooks stuff in there it's like Murray the Chamferer's balls exploded.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Ohhh...wow...what a selection....

I'll take the codpiece in red, please.

dcdouglas said...

It was nice of you to come back to DC. Thanks for clearing up that you moved to the Bronx (not Queens). See you next time!

Scott
Blue Big Dummy guy from DC

Anonymous said...

http://www.break.com/index/it-s-not-road-rage-it-s-a-cycle-path-2436323

Anonymous said...

wcrm,
those subaroos are IRONIC, and those Ipads are IRONIC, and those kids thet are having are IRONIC

The King of Park Slope said...

Uranus is a gas giant.

babble on said...

Monday morning nipples! Hooray!

Matt said...

I was going to buy one of the jackets just so I could be like my hero the BikeSnob but then I saw they cost 1,000 pounds. Man, I haven't spent that much on all my Primal jerseys put together!

crosspalms said...

Dangerous times in Fopistan. Glad you got out alive.

leroy said...

My dog wants to know if there are ass monkeys on Uranus.

Now that I think of it, he probably doesn't care.

He probably only wanted to see if I would type "ass monkeys" and "Uranus" in the same sentence.

McFly said...

Marcel just won the Internet.

babble on said...

Heh heh...the republic of Fopistan. Yer sooo funny, poppinsnobbers.

Oh, and mmmmmmmmm: groaning and writhing in an oil slathered mess of limbs.... now that's my kind of fun!

wishiwasmerckx said...

SAT word of the day:

Popinjay

ps, where can I get my hands on the large-print edition of your book as depicted in the photo? My eyes ore not what they used to be...

babble on said...

Or Leroy's dog might just have won it... who needs Mastercard? Ass monkeys on Uranus?

Priceless!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus

wishiwasmerckx said...

US State Department Travel Advisory is in effect.

The insurgency in neighboring Elbonia has reportedly spilled over into Fopistan.

They are advising that you keep clear of the entire Kamchatka peninsula, fucking up countless games of Risk.

balls™ said...

That guy in the blue and green jacket looks like he's thinking, "Oh, shit. If I don't look cool I'm going to end up in Monday's blog post looking like a dork."

Too late.

Nips! Uranus! Oil wrestling!

Jed said...

Nice roll up on the DC event. All subtle n'shit on your folder, like a jewish james bond. Your humble demeanor belies your poignant(I struggled for that one perfect adjective) writing.
Signed,
The guy with the big, black, thick pugsley. You know you loved it.

DerZoots said...

BikeSnobRockWorthy

I'm soooooooooooooo gonna fucken see you in BostingTowne.
I lives here!

Dood.
It will be okays.
I bring the wednesday weedz.


ialcoun529

babble on said...

Speaking of our Jewish James Bond, the BBC is running an article on the new sex manual for ultra-orthodox Jews.
Did you collaborate on that one, sir Poppinsnobs?

erikbeng said...

Snobby! Do people at these things actually talk to you? Or just stare? I'd get lonely...and drink many free gin cocktails.

Anonymous said...

That is as brutal as shoaling gets.

Nude recumboBabe always makes my flat front trousers pop in 3D.

crosspalms said...

"Walk to Neptune about 244 steps"? Cool, I'll be back in a bit.

Anonymous said...

Fort Worth, Texas, bike share program is now operational.

Yes, Fort Worth. Your move, NYC.

http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/04/fort_worth_rolls_out_bike_plan.php

Drew Levitt said...

Anachronistic?! Citibank (or at least its precursor) was founded in 1812. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citibank#Early_history

On the other hand, period-appropriate "National City Bank of New York" signs on the stations would be pretty cool.

Anonymous said...

well said WCRM about those stupid protest signs on the citi bike kiosks. What a bunch of whiney, self important, hypocrites. They have ruined pretty much every neighborhood in Brooklyn with their gentrification, turning most of the Borough into a sickening twee amusement park, while pushing out all of those who lived there way before them. Now that they have it just the way they like it they want to freeze it in time. You got out just in time wildcat.

DB said...

Anon, 2:04:
The Fort Worth bike sharing station is probably located next to a non-regulated fertilizer plant.

DB said...

Matt:
I liked the looks of Snobs Brooks jacket, too, but was a little pricey.
Made a house payment instead.

Papagei Wagenschott said...

Still no sign of any wonderBRAs abroad.

Meanwhile I will continue marvelling on English-Yiddish-old timey German lang-kvetch similarities

Anonymous said...

We weren't looking at you disgustedly, promise. We were just drunk!

ChamoisJuice said...

Hasid sex manual was entertaining, but nowhere near as precious as this video:
Non Jews Studying Yiddish Compilation

Dave said...

I have an unproven theory that shoalers are disproportionately weaker riders who are desperate for a brief illusion of superiority. How I love crushing their dreams by blowing by them and dwindling quickly into the distance! Sometimes I even get to crush the same rider again at the next stop light, when he/she learns nothing the first time.

Anonymous said...

Memo

From New York Department of Housing

To: Brooklyn
Re: Anachronisism

Please note that all Viking, Wolf, SubZero and other luxury gas or electric cooking appliance will be removed beginning immediately and replaced with coal burning cast iron stoves.

Have fun banking the fires!

Dooth said...

I wish you'd caught the Incredible Hulk taking a dump, instead.

Anonymous said...

I like when you link back to old posts so we can all see that you used to write well.

DC United said...

Bike Space event was one gin-soaked good time. Photo bomber goes by "Browntown."

AYHSMB said...

I have t oagree with this sentiment. Bike snob used to make fun of BIKES with scathing wit. Now it's all bike lanes this, gentrification that.... when was the last obscure DIY music reference or knuckle tat or missed connection?

Amazon reviews don't lie. BSNYC lost the edge.

Roille Figners said...

Christ if they shoaled you any harder they'd get hit by that bus! Which of course would be AWESOME, but then we'd have to pretend like "Oh our hearts and prayers go out to the victims bla bla bla." You know, like Obama does.

Nice to see they're finally restoring the foreskin on America's Wang. I suppose period-correct gentri-nazis demanded it, since up until the 20th century you'd have a better chance of catching a tuna in Leroy's dog's bowl than of finding a circumcised goy in all of Europe.

Jimboner said...

Just back from 3 glorious days in the saddle and I am feeling that "dog penis" vibe.

Frilly Chick said...

Ha ha, erikbeng, I was thinking the same thing. Although I have a theory that people are afraid to talk to him. Can't say I blame them, who wants to risk being the subject of a future post?

However, I'd prolly end up hitting the gin bucket one too many times and say something regretful anyway. I'm talented like that.

streepo said...

What were those colored bags in the BikeSnobNYC merchandising Diorama of Douche? They look like official BSNYC cock socks.

DB said...

Streepo:
Wondered that myself. I think they are handgun holsters for the open-carry states.

CommieCanuck said...

"By the way, just in case you are ever attacked by a jiu-jitsu instructor, the best defense is to slip away while he's slowly disrobing and coating himself with body oil."

It's practical stuff like this you will never get from reading Velonews.

CommieCanuck said...

Frilly, people used to be afraid to talk to him because Vito was trained to throw feces at hipsters. Ever since the Ikea incident and the release of Vito into the wilds of Canada, he is actually quite approachable (Vito I mean, Snob can be quite belligerent, a real mean sober.)

Spokey said...

babs;

just what are "Monday morning nipples!" anyway?

And how do they differ from Tue, Wed, . . .? Fresher?

Spokey said...

snob;

forget 3D. Go all the way to 4-Day. At least for recumbabe.

babble on said...

Monday morning nipples= full frontal recumbabe the day after Sunday.

McFly said...

I bet the Intergalactic Sex Nurse has drops of something in her hair.

And it ain't Jupiter.

BikeSnobNYC said...

AYHSMB,

On what planet (with the possible exception of Uranus) is making fun of bikes "edgy?"

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Comment deleted said...

Commie, I'm loathe to say anything bad about Vito, because I know there's a history between the two of you, but I always thought he was a bit of an ass monkey.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Dutch etymologist said...

Hey, Breuckelenites-

Think of them as hitching posts for the replacement horses.

AYHSMB said...

Also, your too long stem is causing a goofy tiller effect.

My humble advice: rewrite the Kludgie EVERY DAY. You can't do better, but you can try.

BikeSnobNYC said...

AYHSMB,

Yes, that would be edgy.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

balls™ said...

Yes, rewrite the Kludgie every day. It will stay as fresh as skinny jeans worn day after day after day...

Dave Hanrahan said...

No Froot Loops in the BikeSnobNYC merchandising Diorama of Douche? Make a friggin' effort, DC!

Flyover bike commuter said...

Is one hand held high on the wall the universal sign that an male urbanite is taking a leak in public?

Just asking, you never see that sort of behavior here in flyover country, at least among us flyovers.

Allison Sydor said...

Cipo rode Cannondale in the 90's. So did BSNYC. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

DELT ACAM

HEAD SHOK

SUPE RVEE

TEKM OLGY

GOOD WACK?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Velonews received a children's dandy horse bike (one without pedals)to review, and they wrote:

"A bulbous head tube — undoubtedly designed to improve front front-end stiffness and to address high-speed handling and descending concerns — combines with stout seat stays for an aggressive, race-worthy look."

I shit you not!

Monkey Business Down Under said...

Are the Ass Monkeys done attacking yet?

paulb said...

Just like when Donald Trump is out of the limelight for a few months my feeling he's the biggest d*ckhead on the planet attenuates--but then the minute he's on tv it all comes rushing back to me--so I sometimes need a reality check on the fatuousness of brownstone Brooklyn property owners. Got it.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I enjoy this humorous blog.

hannsika said...

http://www.theenglishsofacompany.co.uk/ love the sofa, but oh my goodness a white couch! i would wreck it in under 2 minutes.
i love the metal corner caps on the dresser as well. amazing.

hannsika said...

UK Sofa love the sofa, but oh my goodness a white couch! i would wreck it in under 2 minutes.
i love the metal corner caps on the dresser as well. amazing.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
Never couch, always sofa. Why even the spam is artisinal.

McFly said...

That relection of you and Uranus makes it looks like you are shoving both of your hands into Uranus.

optical delusion

Anonymous said...

The one hand held high on the wall is the universal sign of a drunk guy taking a leak outside. Gotta stabilize or you get your pants wet.

Anonymous said...

I feel sad for you. You seem really unhappy.

Piter said...

That bike shop make me crazy money man.. http://adf.ly/?id=817751

Anonymous said...

It is illegal in 37 states to own "doggie boner" vibes.

Anonymous said...

The trip to the market drug store...
I knew something wasn't quite on the flip side because as I was at the counter You were there buying the correct sized condoms with "your" child in tow. usually you would prefer everyone else to think that need the biggest size. No, your vanity is going to give away to infecting me to some lovely STIs. I wish that wasn't a trafficked child and you were planning on raping them I guess that's why there wasn't a need for vanity because most non trafficked children don't know the difference between XLgoldbrand for the regularhorsebrandmeatbrand.

Anonymous said...

triangle trap that was a lover for a square box. tripwrap.red,is,fun,ruin

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