Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I Went To The Philly Expo And Here's A Story About It!

Philadelphia!

Yeah, I was there last Saturday.

Why?  For the Philadelphia Bike Expo!

The Philly Bike Expo is like something they might have in Portland, except it's actually in a real city located on the Planet Earth, so I never miss it.  In fact, I was so eager to get there this year that I flew into town, though I did botch the landing a little bit:


Like most bike shows, the best bikes are always the ones outside the exhibit hall, and this bulldozer-themed child-portaging machine was a real standout:


(Somebody's dad is awesome.)

I'm actually working on a medieval-themed child-portaging recumbent, though I need to dial it in because I keep losing the freaking kid:


(Somebody's dad sucks.)

Either I need to figure out how to make the trigger less sensitive so it doesn't keep going off when I put the kid in there, or else I just need to make it more accurate.

Once inside the Expo, I watched a typical bike pornographer at work:


Note how he takes a photo of one tube intersecting with another tube as his pants slowly tent:


Oh, the depravity.

Still, bike porn is really the only way you can get anywhere in this business, and so I took some titillating photos of a fat bike:


Though I immediately regretted it because if you look at a fat bike for more than three seconds your eye starts skipping over "normal" bikes and you only notice fat things:


(Look at that duct!)

Of course, "urban cycling" is always a staple at these things, and Bern was there giving out free head lice:


Another show staple is "retro-foppery," and Velo Orange was there with this tweedy mountain bike:


It may look rigid, but it's actually equipped with a suspension system called the Thoreau which remains locked out until the rider has been in the woods for two years, at which point it imparts a sense of transcendental introspection on the rider.

Speaking of introspection, one of my favorite things about bike shows is that you can tell exactly what everybody's thinking because they're bike dorks just like you.  Take this guy, for example:


It's pretty obvious he's fantasizing about how much craft beer he could fit on the front rack of that porteur:


Or, consider this guy:


He's admiring the shiny retro-inspired brakes as he dreams about not using them at stop signs:


Meanwhile, at the hat stand, a man lovingly fits a hat onto a woman's head:


As he pictures the most romantic moment ever to grace the silver screen:


If that pottery wheel scene doesn't make you cry then you're a monster.

Not everybody's happy, though.  For example, Craig Calfee looked a little bit nonplussed:


Sure, it could have been because some schmuck was pointing a smartphone camera at him, but I like to think he was picturing those fucking pandas and their insatiable appetite for bamboo:


In the bamboo framebuilding industry, the hated panda is commonly referred to as the "termite of the East."

I, however, am inscrutable, and nobody knew what I was thinking as I admired this all-terrain bicycling cycle:


I know though, and it's something I keep close to my heart:


But bike shows aren't just about bikes.  They're also about cheddar cheese--or at least this one was:


They had all my favorite kinds, too:


If you're wondering what makes a cube of cheddar gravel-specific, it's partly a function of the cube's diameter, but mostly it's the fact it's filled with tiny stones.

Oh, the cheese people also had used toothpicks:


Though I prefer to think of them as "pre-owned."

Maybe Warren Buffet can afford new, unused toothpicks, but the rest of us know they lose 98% of their value the moment they probe someone else's teeth, and we buy accordingly.

More fat bike porn:


And, its polar opposite, some baronial steer tube porn:


How hot is that when the exposed part steer tube is longer than the head tube itself?  (Answer: hot enough to melt a hunk of gravel-specific cheddar.)

Plus, they even had "solid bib shorts:"


I assume the "solid" part means they don't have a fly like those stupid ones from the other day:


I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the Expo was produced by Bilenky, and here's a picture of someone taking a picture of their banner:


And here's some tandem porn:


Unfortunately I couldn't wander around the Expo while nibbling cheese all day, because I had to talk at people who would rather have been someplace else:


And if you're wondering how I maintain my poise and composure while speaking in public, my secret is that I focus on a mental image that gives me great comfort:


Or else I just picture everyone in bib shorts, which is pretty much the same thing.

During the presentation, I gave away what I thought was a large amount of free stuff, though nobody thanked me.  Also, one of the audience members unleashed a small boy upon me who pestered me for the duration of the hour, though I did make the best of the situation by making him hand out the prizes for me.

Then, after waking everybody up, I went back to the Expo in case anybody wanted a book signed:


I didn't sign any books, but I did sign three breasts, a goiter, and a cube of cheddar cheese.

Then I left the Expo, and on the way to THE CAR THAT I OWN I passed a table full of free drugs:


And it was only after consuming them that I looked up and realized I was standing in front of the Church of Scientology:


The next 24 hours were a blur, but let's just say Tom Cruise is a lot shorter in real life.

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

PORT LAND

streepo said...

Kara Goucher is hot!!

Jasper said...

Early doors

JamMasterCray said...

TYPHOON HIT MY SCRANUS

mikebike said...

Give 'em hell snob

g. said...

Dang! Hopefully more civil here today.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

streepo said...

I am a monster.




ichaff 1451

Marcel Da Chump said...

Solid Bike porn

Anonymous said...

Wait I'm confused, did yo travel to Philly in the plane you don't own or the car that you do own?

dnk said...

He put his batmobile inside the plane and then crashed the plane into the Philly streetscape.

le Correcteur said...

Read it and lost top ten!
neadev 48

Roille Figners said...

logarithmic podium!

Anonymous said...

lovin' hat man kinda looks like Bike Snob NYC.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey I didn't know you was into vintage aircraft. Sweet! A crazy rich recluse can never have to many toys. A few rivets and she'll be back in business.

vanity of bike shorts said...

I am vain

DB said...

Nice post today, L. Ron Snob.

Anonymous said...

I had that Velo Orange bike 20 years ago. Does it still weigh 2.14 stone and have 26" wheels?

Looks like the wheelbase is much shorter than mine 20 years ago. Add a centimetre and let the fun commence!

Robot stack failure

Anonymous said...

Rollie @12:37 --- Only log base 10, Rollie.

If you really want to be all-natural, you have to be the 2.71828th poster, more or less.

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

3BRE ASTS

mikeweb said...

Silly Bern. Everyone knows that head lice is soooo 2008. The big thing these days is genetically engineered tick/ bed bug hybrids.

babble on said...

Mmmm transcendental tenting porn.

THANK YOU, snob.

Er... one thing. How did you manage to fly in and out of town in the car that you own?

THAT's a neat trick.

Anonymous said...

First Canadian for the Fredliness!

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone buys soiled bibs?

Comment deleted said...

You're not as funny since you had your Thetans exorcised.

mikeweb said...

So, how was Travolta's Boeing 707?

Sweet, right?

RoadQueen said...

OOOOOH! Pretty Purple Pair Packing Pedaler!

Looks like a good time!

leroy said...

Wow, free cheese and drugs.

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

specq said...

Snob, did I miss your response to this deadspin article?

http://deadspin.com/can-you-ride-a-bike-in-the-city-without-being-an-asshol-1447378693

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

Those fat knobby tires are also known as Texas Stud condoms.

Flyover BC said...

P.S. if send some of the swag to us flyovers. We'd be sure to say thanks.

Mr Plow said...

Did you know "lice got nosy" is an anagram of Scientology ?

McFly said...

Oh wow bikes and stuff.

I thought maybe you had went to Philly to interview for the quarterback position.

DB said...

Funniest comment is an early one today:
Comment deleted at 12:52.

JB said...

How much of your audience was the "there's no place to sit down in this place. Oh ther're a bunch of empty chairs" contingent?

Freddy Murcks said...

You're golden today, Bike Slob.

Sincerely,
Freddy

JLRB said...

Sir Snob -

I trust you warned the potential readers of your book that enlightenment means that when MFing a driver for an unnecessary near death adventure, the reader will be stuck feeling like the asshole he/she looks like. Thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I missed you at the Expo. You are really quick dodging cars!

cycle

Flyover BC said...

From the looks of your audience, maybe should have tweeted them.

Did any of them bother to look up from their electronic communication devices during your spiel.

Steven Falkowski said...

Yay, I'm an awesome dad. Thanks for putting up with my yammering at the expo Mr. BS.

balls™ said...

No breaks... skid mark.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

in fact, the first man fantasizing about the porteur looks like he's wanking himself while grinning at the bicycle cycle... and it looks like he's doing it real quick.

the Jimboner said...

Yes my thrird testicles splurts out of the side of my thong.

McFly said...

Oh come on Wildcat. Craig Calfee is just a freakin frame builder. If he really is a bamboo God like everyone says then why doesn't he come to my work and bang my head on my keyboardwq0ktso0]56-6u=0-j=o-
]=pyw
r6
[-ukidf;htyo0'lp
5p-56\-
i9[ccccccg 25]0620] vm-oooool;///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Blog Drafter said...

So who won last Friday's quiz?

Thanks for giving all that stuff away.

BamaPhred said...

Fat bike
Fat bottom girls
Makes the world go round

Captcha 503 I ded bro

Hope that's not a warning

Roille Figners said...

It's a warning to anyone in area code 503 - PORTLAND

Dooth said...

My God, I think I'm in love (with the gorgeous blonde babe in the audience).

McFly said...

Yes Dooth. The blonde. "No No.....keep the black toboggan..........on. Keep it on."

Anonymous said...

It a toque! And she's talking to her mom, so you get instant preview of the future. Nothing more boner killing.

I would be very interested to hear BSNYC's best writing a funny blog about bikes totally got me laid one time story.

Comment deleted said...

I don't know. She looks a lot like Ann Coulter. The dude next to her is recoiling like he just noticed a sausage-shaped package in her pants.

Anonymous said...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=toque
6. toque
the foreskin of a (Canadian) penis

that Sofanda chick was all over my toque last night...its all chafed eh

JB said...

I can only help that the audience member-cut-off-on-the-right-side-of-the-photo's shirt says "I <3 BIKE CYCLING"

McFly said...

Na man she is talking to Matthew Modine.

I BET YOU HAD NO IDEA THERE WOULD BE A MATTHEW MODINE REFERENCE TODAY. Bonus.

nahmean said...

Is that Bob Newhart in the audience a couple seats to the right of the blonde chick?

JB said...

Dammit McFly, quit making me go back and look at that photo.

RoadQueen said...

JB - What else could it be?

I _____
B _____
C _____


Oooooohhhh........nevermind.

ouabacher said...

Don't study the audience pic too long. You will become clinically depressed.

Dooth said...

Her mom? Hoping it's her cougar girlfriend.
Then again, I've seen Matthew Modine riding around town...McFly might be right.

mikeweb said...

ouabacher,

What if I'm already clinically depressed?

Nevermind. Just taking the time and energy to type that sentence proves that I'm not.

I don't see any of the gang in that photo. WTF.

Herschel Raney said...

Don't study any collective pic of humans too long or you will become clinically depressed. And you will morph one face into the face of Matthew Modine.

And really, ride in full gear to the expo, but don't bring any other shoes except your road shoes with cleats? And wear spandex to go see BSNYC? Ahem.

Dave said...

What, no recumbent porn? That's it, I'm outa here.

RoadQueen said...

Dave has a point. What about those of us that are laid-back lovers?

Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

Not amused by the alex and WCRM show in Philly. The blog is not pg 13 and the talks shouldn't have to be either. WCRM handles the the kid actually alex's dad, way better than I would have. To his credit, Snobbys, one f-bomb was lobbed with aplomb.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Road Queen,

Seems like Snob is more oriented towards the Babble-esque quick-off-the-blocks, up-and-at-em crowd.

DB said...

Rob Fords signs bobble-heads for four hours while two blocks away a judge watches the crack smoking video.

BamaPhred said...

I dunno. The dude to the right of Ann Coulter in the lecture photo strikes me as a Karl Childers stand in. Or maybe I should say her left. And the poor dude who came dressed in his overwhelming Fredliness looks like he just realized how awkward it all is. Yes, one should not study these photos due to the mental trauma.

Philly, Slowly I Turned, Step by Step... said...

Second row blond looks like she is listening to some advice on how to improve on…(I'm thinking of the Fox Wussification Babe).

Love the riding bib on the front row left of center guy.

Left side guy in cycling kit looks exhausted, maybe he rode all the way from Vancouver and is missing quality time with Babs.

Comment deleted said...

We were stuck on 69 for a nice long time.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have it on good authority that the second-row blonde is none other that our beloved Commie Canuck IRL.

Euro Spondee said...

Been sick all day, and the comments are kind of slow, especially after yesterday, so I went back into the archives: 2007! Infrequently asked questions! Flaming Bikesnobchi! Commie Canuck! Commenters saying BSNYC was not as funny as he used to be!
Happy days. Not that I was around the first time. But I expect I could pretend I was.carrydq

Craig Calfee said...

I am figuring out a way to produce a used toothpick bike frame now. Screw bamboo.

JLRB said...

by the way ...


11, 12, 13 ...

Anyone?

Anonymous said...

BEHIND THE ZEGHOS: A DISCUSSION OF GROOMING, RABBITS, AND PHARMACOLOGY WITH ASSOS MAN

Dooth said...

Happy Sequential Date Day!

Overalls Guy said...

The blonde gives a demon BJ.

DB said...

You NYC bastards! The Willis (Sears) Tower IS taller than your building!
Crosspalms: Help me out here.

Super Mario Cipo said...

Fat chicks are more fun than skinny chicks. Although skinny chicks give better head.
Fat bikes are just more expensive than skinny bikes.
You can't sprint on a fat bike.

Vegas said...

PLNE WREK
BULL DOZR
CATA PULT
BIKE PRON
DUCT PRON
HEAD LICE
CANT STOP
DEMI MOOR
SWAY ZEEE
GRVL CHES
TOOT PICK
KUKU BIBS
AUDI ENCE
XENU DRUG

McFly said...

Oh sir yes sir I just watched the scene in Full Metal Jacket where Matthew Modine does a John Wayne impression then gets punched in the gut by the gunnery drill sergeant. My day has come full circle.

Tom Thumb said...

I remember seeing snob in Vancouver trying to flog his book. In real life he's not as tall as I had envisioned.

57Jeeper said...

Hey Snob, I was in that group of people and if you would have brought your "medieval-themed child-portaging recumbent", I would have gladly put your "little helper" in it and launched him over to Camden.

Donk said...

I was wondering if that kid was somehow related to you.

Madison? Really?

I figured you would have preferred a non "snow up to your butt" state.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the lights El Snobo. I'm surprised that you didn't whack that kid, verbally of course. You know W.C. Fields style. anyway the book looks awesome in the WC.

mikeweb said...

McFly,

I too saw Gunnery Sgt. Hartman in action after your mention yesterday.

"This is my rifle, this is my gun..."

McFly said...

My dad told me $5 for some Viet Cong lovin' was pretty accurate.

I like a... said...

DMON BEEJ

In Country 69-70 said...

McFly, $5.00 got you everything from A to Z. A BJ could be had for $2.00. I have no idea what that is in today's dollars.

Pvt. Joker said...

Be sure you only fuck the ones that cough.

Anonymous said...

I unleashed the boy, Alex. He is still talking about Bike Snob, so if you last long enough you'll have another reader. But he's slow, so it may need to be like 5 more years.

You were a good sport.

BamaPhred said...

Depending on whose propaganda you look at, $5 1970 is about $30 today.


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Charles Flaum said...

Sweet! A crazy rich recluse can never have to many toys. Picture Lighting

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