Friday, April 4, 2014

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Archimedes famously said, "Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world."  Similarly, here's a triathlete who said, "Give me a rubber band and and an aerobar on which to place it, and I'll use it to hold my sunglasses for me:"



The major design flaw here of course is that any triathlete who attempts to put on or remove sunglasses while operating a bicycle is bound to crash, though the upside is that it makes your bike look like an awesome robotic space insect from the planet Crabon:


I'm not sure the sunglasses holder is going to take over the world, but the Crabon Insect-o-Bots very well might.

Meanwhile, remember how I went to Central Park and stumbled up on a real life fixie team photo shoot, complete with gratuitous ass crack?


Well it turns out I was watching history in the making, because I just got an email from a marketing person informing me of the world-altering formation of this very same fixie team, and the website reads like it was written by Insect-O-Bots from the planet Crabon:


Track bike, fixed-gear, brakeless. No freewheel, no stops. Creative and competitive. This is Team Cinelli Chrome. Different from others living cyclism. No pro-director, masseurs or official mechanics. An independent, semi-organized posse, perfectly self-sufficient, total autonomy travelers. It takes shape to race six international Fixed Gear Criteriums, and blends into the urban fabric after the races. A handful of characters borrowed from the city: bike messengers, track champions, and former Pro Tour mechanics.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Fixed Gear Criteriums are not a fad. They’re a direct outcome of the progression of the fixed-gear movement. This phenomenon was arguably born in San Francisco among the bike messengers and is now well established all around the world as a way of commuting and communicating. A way of being: free, creative, independent.

Racing on fixed-gear bicycles?  Who would have thought it possible?  I stopped reading at "This phenomenon was arguably born in San Francisco" because I started choking on my Froot Loops, but then, foolishly, I started reading again:

Cinelli and Chrome have contributed to the dawn of this world. Before it was fashionable. Against any rational reason or strategic marketing idea. People thought we were fools. Today they chase. Joined by common values and mutual respect for making great products, Cinelli and Chrome are proud to support Team Cinelli Chrome.

Cinelli and Chrome have contributed to the dawn of which world exactly?  The world of the Insect-O-Bots?  As for Cinelli, it's widely known that the only product of theirs worth buying is their handlebar tape, though unfortunately they've used its phenomenal success to bankroll all manner of dubious products, such as sending Lucas Brunelle to Africa to ride a bicycle called a "Hobo Bootleg" through a nuclear reactor.  Chrome, meanwhile, have gotten a huge amount of mileage out of putting a seatbelt buckle on a messenger bag, thus cementing their present-day status as the Green Day of urban cycling companies.  However, if you really want "street cred," you need to have an obscure bag made by an obscure craftsperson using obscure fabrics.  For example, I'm currently "running" a bag made from reclaimed police-issue bulletproof vest kevlar, foot-sewn by an armless guy in a Staten Island basement that's still got four feet of standing water in it from Hurricane Sandy.

I'd tell you who he is, but he'd stand to make millions, and then I wouldn't be cool anymore.

Anyway, everyone knows this whole fixie crit thing is on its way out, and that "normcore" crits on bikes from Target are poised to become the new alleycat.

I mean really, it's like Woodstock '99 all over again.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then exude smugness, and if you're wrong you'll see crash testing.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be careful with your sunglasses.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) In honor of the Tour of Flanders, a Portland food truck is attempting to re-brand "frites" as "Fred fries."

--True
--False






2) Which is not an attribute of the "Pulsium?"

--"Y-shaped"
--"Elastomer bung in the lower branch"
--"Ever-so-slightly bowed"
--"Astonishingly fast ass-to-mouth transfer"






3) The "safety light" revolutionized bicycle illumination in the 19th century by eliminating the persistent problem of live monkey attacks.

--True
--False





4) Early Ford newspaper advertisements touted the Model T's fuel economy by saying it was "Thrifty as a Hebrew."

--True
--False






5) Eddie Merckx gets to wear his glasses however he wants because:

--He won a bunch of bike races, whereas you didn't because you suck
--He comes from a time before helments and is thus exempt from all helment etiquette
--It's physically impossible to look cool on a road bicycle after age 35 so what's the difference?
--All of the above







("So it's true, bikes do have wheels.")

6) The latest useless cycling-related study reveals that:

--Helments are best worn on the head
--Brakes are useful in the prevention of cycling crashes
--Bicycles produce fewer emissions than cars
--Kids are especially good at mashing their genitals on their top tubes






(Fucking allergy weeds.)

7) When it comes to springtime, cycling in New York City is:

--A joy
--A pleasure
--A relief
--A shitshow


***Special Scranus-Rattling Bonus Video!***

104 comments:

ken e. said...

monkeys!

Anonymous said...

PODIUM?

Kenny Banya said...

Podium gold!

pavel m. said...

PODIUM

pavel m. said...

damn. top 5 anyway

Anonymous said...

Tainted meat!

Freddy Murcks said...

At least New York stalkers and ass oglers use Craigslist as a means of finding their subjects. That makes them easier to avoid, I guess.



sckpsho are

59486622 2611 said...

59486622 2611

525 465636 said...

525 465636

Comment deleted said...

I'm living cyclism (I guess), but I'd rather be having a cyclasm.

albert einstein said...

it happens every time i eat radishes

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...damn monkeys... why did i take the test... i could have podioed...

...i still refuse to take a test.

scranus

db said...

I, for one, welcome our new Crabon Insect-o-Bot overlords....

McFly said...

MORELABPARTNERPORNORIMAFOOKINKILLYA!!!

Fred of the Sea said...

Cinelli did make decent bars and stems and I seem to remember a cool, all plastic, bright red, "seating system" in my distant past, but yes.

"Fixed crit racing team"? On first reading it looks like the castrato category--now that might be interesting--kind of like anti PED. I mean, basically, fuck me cyanotic.

Gut shabbos.

McFly said...

That sunglasses bike reminds me of Crow T. Robot.

wishiwasmerckx said...

And Shabbot Shalom to you, MOT.

ge said...

And that's how a tri-dork becomes a tri-geek!

ge said...

Not insect-o-bots - Italians. Insect-o-bots just did the awesome translation.

Invisible Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Invisible Man said...

The funniest bit of the Missed Connection advert in question six is this line: "I let you pass me at the foot of the Brooklyn side of the bridge."

Yeah, right. She was faster up the steeply-sloping spiral bit, wasn't she? Everyone races up there. No-one ever lets someone else past.

Fred of the Sea said...

WIWM,

Had to look up MOT. Boray pree ha Bombay Sapphire!

Should have pretended that "Gut shabbos" was what the bot detector gave me.

jayteepee said...

I can't badmouth Cinelli's bikes or their bars (current carbon models notwithstanding). Riding one gives my spleen a nice respite from my trauma inducing crabon bike. Vertically compliant my ass. That thing rides like it has steel I-beams for seat stays.

CommieCanuck said...

Ok. This week got weird. The Canukian Breakfast Company, or CBC, did an in-depth story on labiaplasty , or "the Barbie" or, "the lip clip". Interviewing doctors, they noted that some Toronto-area cosmetic quacks were offering mother-daughter specials. Just when you thought you had your WTF moment of the day, they interview a woman and doctor who says she got the lip clip because she cycles a lot and is a tri-dork, and apparently, many female tridorks are getting labiaplastys.
Frankly, this sounds like a saddle design issue, bring in the team of Mario Cipollini and Eric the Chamferer.

The Cee Bee Cee Story.

I'm sure Babble has something to say about this that will make us all slightly uncomfortable.

Comment deleted said...

Jesus Mutilated Christ, commie. I don't get the current level of self-loathing, except that I guess it's the natural result of marketing convincing us that WE NEED SOMETHING -- WE ARE UGLY -- OUR GENITALS NEED SHAVING AND SURGERY AND BLEACHING.

Bleah.

I also blame Howard Stern and his "bacon strips" nonsense.

Anonymous said...

Beef curtains

No Free Ride said...

The CBC (Canadian Broadcorping Castration) spews forth socialist ideals and propaganda in an attempt to poison the population's view of the American dream.

Anonymous said...

exploded bubble gum bubble

Dooth said...

"An independent, semi-organized posse, perfectly self-sufficient, total autonomy travelers. It takes shape to race six international Fixed Gear Criteriums, and blends into the urban fabric after the races."



wishiwasmerckx said...

Ah, piss fenders...some like 'em big; some like 'em small...I like 'em all...

One thing's for sure - a story such as that would never air here in Canada's shit-striped underpants. The network standards guy's heads would explode!

Anonymous said...

http://i.imgur.com/7b54m.gif

DO NOT LOOK AT THIS AT WORK, UNLESS YOU HAVE A COOL JOB THAT DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING, OR IF YOU HAVE A JOB YOU HATE AND FEEL LIKE ROLLING THE DICE, THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

Fred of the Sea said...

Well, way to kill the mood! You can pay a doc to do anything to you, even chamfering. I'd try saddle nose down in 1ยบ increments first, but WTF do I know?

WebHog shop.

ge said...

Commie 2:22 said I'm sure Babble has something to say about this that will make us all slightly uncomfortable. <-- comment of the freakin' week! Gold, Commie, gold!

RoadQueen said...

RE: Labiaplasty - before and after pics:

http://www.realself.com/labiaplasty/before-and-after-photos

Also, can anyone computer-smart explain to me why the fuck I keep getting this error message for ANY HTML shit I try to post????? I couldn't even do italics, even though it's listed as acceptable!!!!!

"Your HTML cannot be accepted: Closing tag has no matching opening tag: A
You can use some HTML tags, such as < b>, < i>, < a>"

wishiwasmerckx said...

Fred, what a stroke of genius! I will have Eric the Chamferer make me a custom Brooks saddle entirely out of labiaplasty trimmings. You can bet that I will have to secure that one-off to the frame with a chain-and-lock system.

For a few days every month, I will have to cover the damn thing with cotton, but hey, that's a small price to pay, no?

Anonymous said...

Here ya go Queenie.

RoadQueen said...

Thanks, Anon. I don't know why my stuff is being dumb. I double and triple checked everything. :(

Anonymous said...

I knew a woman that had "wings". She would have to hold them open for sweet penetration then let them close around the shank. God I miss being a manwhore.

RoadQueen said...

OH, I was so pissed about the HTML thing that I forgot:

The dude in the sunglasses video looked like he was either in the process of taking a dump, was undergoing a labiaplasty while shooting the video, or was sitting on a Shark seat.

The only things moving were his lips and his eyelids. Weird.

dancesonpedals said...

wiwm

You have to be careful with genital trimmings. There was a moyle who made a wallet out of foreskins. Whenever he rubbed the wallet, he had a suitcase.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Too Much Jew

Mr Plow said...

Against all rational reason I am organizing a fixed gear gravel bike crit. In 5 years you all will be chasing me.

allen has a woody said...

jew eat

Pissflap said...

Ummm... Have I clicked on Bike Snob or Gynecology Snob? Let's talk about things that I can ride... Oh wait... That doesn't sound quite right now, does it.

Dr. Feelgood said...

'Green Day of Urban Cycling Companies"; that's gold , Snob, pure gold.

Fred of the Sea said...

I may be snotty about bikes and boats, but I don't recall turning up my nose at a set of labia. Mighta held it, but it that never a deal breaker.

Euro Spondee said...

ge said... Insect-o-bots just did the awesome translation.

The words certainly did have that unmistakable clunkiness of badly translated Italian, where the poetic imagery falls flat on its labia minora.

Anonymous said...

i would not shoot down on cinelli, it is an historical brand with many great products ahead of their time. still owned by the same people for decades.

they had the young/art identity since the 80's. when there were no mtv fixie riders or wanna be bike messengers or wanna be cyclists.

not their fault the average american amateur/fixie/urban/FASHION brands took them as reference as we have several wannabe cinellis in the past 6-8 years.

few years ago, they were the ONLY brand.

however i have not heard any of their stuff falling into pieces as it happens to SRAM Specialized Ritchey Velo Orange etc.. (just to mix it a bit). Their products are solid. I do not run them because I don't like the look. columbus is behind cinelli. quality.

columbus makes very nice stuff but does not sell it in the US because they consider the american market as recreational/lifestyle rather than even sportive. 90% of american riders don't know how to replace a freaking inner tube!

Anonymous said...

Sunglasses guy has a major flaw (beyond being a tridork). The glasses mount mounts the glasses backwards. Thus causing excessive drag. IT's all about the aero and he misses the mark.

"Why are my eyes so crosseyed?"
-Sunglasses Guy

Anonymous said...

"Against any rational reason or strategic marketing idea" please install a Cinelli Scatto Blue Knight Saddle and make everyone chase your ScattoScattante

Anonymous said...

Penny-farthinging?

Anonymous said...

there's 1:47 of my life that i'll never get back. if the guy with the "ahah" moment is married ... we'll let's not go into that right now.

and Woodstock was in '69, but I'm sure that was just a typo.


weak

end

CommieCanuck said...

The CBC (Canadian Broadcorping Castration) spews forth socialist ideals and propaganda in an attempt to poison the population's view of the American dream.

The dream of no labia?

CommieCanuck said...

LIKE LIPS

I blame Rob Ford, who claimed he had enough to eat at home.

Comment deleted said...

There is not a thing wrong with the "before" ginches. I would be proud to call any one of them my home.

Anonymous said...

The model had a very aestically pleasing kitty kat. Just looked like a smallish slit between two little front butt cheeks. She even went so far as to have consecutive C sections to maintain its composure. Which left a scar. Or what I liked to call the Lower Belly Bullseye.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ah, yes. With the dew of youth, it looks like a paper cut with just a puff of cotton candy on top. By the time she's popped out the third or fourth kid, it looks like a subway entrance, complete with lighting and a handrail.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat was alluding to the fiery shitstorm that was Woodstock '99.
Look it up. Damn it, I can't believe the level of cultural ignorance of the Internet know-it-alls.

ge said...

I've got some stuff to check out when I get home from work. Dreading the weekend.

ge said...

There was another Woodstock in '99? Sounds vaguely familiar. I'll take your work on the year. Meh, couldn't even name one band, sure wouldn't pick up on references.

No Free Ride said...

I've heard how the CBC twists the truth. That Persian man on the radio show Q mocked Billy Bob who is a true patriot. They try to make God fearing Southern folk look like redneck fools. He's as bad as that Neil Young fella'.

No Free Ride said...

Pass me some o' those Freedom fries and I'll take a shot of Mountain Dew and Jack to cool that fire in my belly... God damn Ruskie lovin', Trudeau votin', igloo dwellers.

Anonymous said...

I love myself a well hung set of labial, more to munch on.

Anonymous said...

you are doing it wrong ^

McFly said...

I am a lil confused on how the mechanics work on those turkey gizzard vajayjays.

Anonymous said...

You can tell a lot about how a man eats pussy, by the way he wraps his handlebars.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Bugs, Mr. Rico. Zillions of em!"
KILL THE BUGS!!!

Anonymous said...

When I go down I pretend its a strawberry sundae and it's July and its 98 degrees and I better eat it up before it melts. It's just as messy.

Anonymous said...

She stunk of tuna and I had to run to the kitchen to stick my head in the fridge.

Anonymous said...

dancesonpedals said...

There was a moyle who made a wallet out of foreskins. Whenever he rubbed the wallet, he had a suitcase.


I think that was the same mohel who would perform circumcisions for free - he only took tips.

wishiwasmerckx said...

C'mon man, you know what they say -- Once you get past the smell, you've got it half licked...

Certified Moyel said...

It's Mohel, you shlamazel.

Dave said...

Am getting a total johnsonectomy. More comfortable ride, more aerodynamic, and twenty pounds lighter! Pass the self-loathing, please.

leroy said...

For those seeking an easy way to recall the proper pronunciation of "mohel," my dog suggests that the difference between a wedding and a bris is that at the wedding, the goil cuts the cake.

But my dog also suggests that in a pinch Cinelli bar tape can be used to repair tefillin. I can never tell if he's serious.

Although, he does have a point that if I try to sprint, it just looks like I'm davening in the drops.

Ride joyfully all!

ce said...

I have no idea what I'm talking about, but it sounds like you guys might be making a mountain out of a mohel.

Fred of the Sea said...

"Moyle" is the Irish spelling.

dancesonpedals said...

Moyle was a rapper from Dublin who performed under the stage name Fo-Natic

I can't believe it took me 24 hours to get the joke about Eddy the 'cannonball'

Anonymous said...

Good call on normcore and Target bikes, that is the future. But does Target do a fixie like Wal Mart does? Do people on the east coast pronounced it Targey~?

Anonymous said...

Tarjay, gives it a French feel:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tarjay

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob,

Yay! I finally found the place to leave comments! [Don't ask. I guess I'm just slow!]

Thanks for bringing to my eyes Lucas Brunelle and his stupid trip to Africa.

I am SO TIRED of expertly produced videos of gonzo bikers making the automotive world hate us: running red lights, going the wrong way down oneway streets, glorifying bad behavior and dangerous maneuvers.

I think that any advertising announcement that says

"___________________ is not a fad",

it probably is.

Dave Pearce,
Washington, D.C.

McFly said...

Anybody got the market cornered on whats happening with the excess labia lips? I was thinking of cryogenically curing them out and making a saddle. For my pink Faggin.

Go Tomika!

Namaste Bookshop said...

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babble on said...

Wow now this is a conversation and a half. What would Georgia O'Keefe have painted if everybody figured that a labiaectomy is the way to go? Most of those after photos are scary. We need a serious up tick in cliteracy...

I am suffering from an identity crisis. I have been unplugged from my computer and my road bike since Thursday.
Heh heh. Insecto-bots. I got a real kick the day I found glasses big enough to put on my favourite horse, but this is a new one...

Anonymous said...

Well this should be interesting:

http://www.sfgate.com/crime/article/Bicyclist-dies-in-Santa-Rosa-police-custody-5380387.php

Love Dr. said...

Most of those vaginal anomalies could simply be cured with a light switch. Just flip it on doing a standard rear entry finish up and will not be visible. You may even like the way it rubs your scranus. Problem solved.

Anonymous said...

Stolen Bike Recovered

I would have kicked his ass

Rob Fords said...

I never smoked that photographer

Loose Lips said...

Just think of all the ships that are being saved

Anonymous said...

I met a VC on a flight once, and I said his job must be interesting. He said for every great idea there is at least 100 shitty ones. Kickstarter makes me appreciate those poor ol' VCs and the tough work they must do!

Checkpoint Charlie said...

Anon 11:09, those dang Vietcong are sketchy.

Anonymous said...

http://i.imgur.com/z5CIPs6.jpg

Anonymous said...

Actually,I don't care how many people cyclists kill, or how they tie up traffic with Critical Mass. We get it: riding bikes is holy, and will save the earth.

But, can you guys atop wearing those ridiculous plastic form-fitting outfits? Please? And those oh-so-cool helmets. Unless you are missing a testicle and doping all the way, you are not Lance Armstrong. You have to be a hot woman under 25 yo to wear that cr*p. It is in the contract.

Cipomedes said...

"Give me a labia long enough and a fullcum on which to place on it and I shall groove the girl."

Casual Observer said...

Ginger gizzard?

Do the Math said...

When should we expect the Team Cinelli & Chrome Gang Bang Adult Feature Film to be released?

6 dudes/1 babe but only 3 can be "clipped in" at once so she will need at least 2 trips "down the alley."

leroy said...

Dear Anon 2:58 AM--

My dog says he can't help it that he looks good in Lycra. That it causes you confusion concerning your sexual preferences is understandable as long as you don't attempt to act on that confusion with him.

He says that's your own bear to cross.

Anonymous said...

Cyclists kill people? Sounds like CJ

wishiwasmerckx said...

98...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...99...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Anonymous said...

Dead last.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

NEVER cross a bear. I tell you that from experience.

Anonymous said...

Monday...

JB said...

It was going to rain, so I drove my car that I own and I drive to work everyday.